Feeling really scared....memories

[Butterfly66]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really scared and confused, so wondered whether anyone else has experienced or read about what I am experiencing.  I have felt like the past happened to someone else, at some point I disconnected to the whole of my past not only my childhood.   

I am doing a Domestic Violence 10 week group workshop, and last Tuesday week 4, I emotionally connected/realised that it happened to me, I went from intense crying, into shock like it was it was just happening, feeling it, rather than it being  something I had sort of known.   I must have denied, that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship as an adult for 15 years.  It felt like the start of grief, like when I was told my mum died.    Since then I have been experiencing emotional memories often with what the memory is about, with the connection that it happened to me,  sometimes to something really random,

Today I realised that I, me had got a degree, that it happened to me, I had got a degree, this was during the 15 year abusive relationship  (it is so random but it brings up such intense negative emotions with it even though i realised I had got a degree ) the only way to describe this is like I have had a past but "ME or I as a person"  was never there to experience it and I am now experiencing it emotionally realising it happened to me, experience by experience,  it makes me cry so much and feel so sad.

This has followed on from last November when I emotionally connected to an attempt on my life, again that it happened to me, I went into depression and grief symptoms after this and isolated and withdraw quite a bit until the New Year when I have started baby steps coming out again.  (Hence why I have not been online)  and now further emotional realisations, which are painful, scary and making me feel so alone, and isolated and frightened, I am spending a lot of time being with myself and my body is feeling such pain.

I feel that there could be a gift in that I am connecting back to me, someone once said to me "that it was me that was missing"  in my life,

Can anyone relate to this?

Blessings to you all
Butterfly66

[Butterfly66]

Hello

I have signed in and not received any replies to my post, not sure what the feelings are but they don't feel good.  Can someone say hello and respond even if you cant relate.  If there is anyone out there that can relate, please could you respond too?

Butterfly 66

[Contessa]

Hi Butterfly66,

I have just seen both of these posts. I can relate to feeling scared, and the need for ressuring contact. I can relate to the surreal realisation that I experienced and lived through something long after it was over. I can relate to the disconnect.

My past is different, so our paths to acceptance may not be the same. But I know that right now there is a lot of confusion and pain. Its okay that you cannot identify the feelings yet, with time you will begin to find their place.

While this happens you deserve to be kind to yourself whenever you can, and we will be here to support you.



Contessa

[bring em all in]

Hello! I haven't had the feeling that my childhood happened to someone else, but I have done quite a bit of minimizing over the years. I don't connect much to my feelings-I read a list of traumas to my therapist a couple of weeks ago and sounded like I was reading a grocery list!

I am connecting with my feelings more than I did, and I swing from crying to raging to numbing back out again. I had a major emotional breakthrough last week and have felt like * ever since- but I guess it has to hurt to heal.

I'm glad that you are back and taking baby steps!

[Martin68]

Hello

I have signed in and not received any replies to my post, not sure what the feelings are but they don't feel good.  Can someone say hello and respond even if you cant relate.  If there is anyone out there that can relate, please could you respond too?

Butterfly 66

Hello Butterfly, I have read your post and I empathise with your feelings. I feel disconnected from my past, I have even managed to delete partial memories, so don't feel what you are going through is strange, you are in good company here.

[Dee]

I can relate.  I was in an abusive marriage for 20 years and didn't know it.  I really thought that was what marriage was like.  It was my therapist who asked questions and explained that it was abusive.  I use to sit in the driveway, in my car, crying because I didn't want to go into the house.  I also wished my now ex-husband would have an affair so he would leave me alone.  When I realized it hit me like a ton of bricks.  However, knowing helped in so many ways.  I know understand why I felt like I did.  I had thought it was me for all those years.  Also, now I know I can work through it.

[Entropic]

Hello! I haven't had the feeling that my childhood happened to someone else, but I have done quite a bit of minimizing over the years. I don't connect much to my feelings-I read a list of traumas to my therapist a couple of weeks ago and sounded like I was reading a grocery list!

I am connecting with my feelings more than I did, and I swing from crying to raging to numbing back out again. I had a major emotional breakthrough last week and have felt like * ever since- but I guess it has to hurt to heal.

I'm glad that you are back and taking baby steps!

Haha yes to the grocery list! I used exactly that analogy to someone else recently which really was a good wakeup call to maybe try to stop trivialize my problems with a "a strong person would still struggle less than I". I also relate to feeling disconnected from my past history. It mostly feels like a distant dream shortly after waking up.