The new journal for me - stage 2

[Wife#2]

And, the roller-coaster continues.

First hill:  stove caught fire while hubby was cooking dinner last week. Major upset for all - hubby was convinced that he was about to burn down the house. I was proud of how he responded (getting fire out, then stove out of the house) and very relieved that he didn't get hurt (not in that order, folks). Not wanting to admit he doesn't CLEAN the stove - like ever - he tried to blame everyone else for the grease under the eye that caused it. I had to remind him that he does 85-90% of all the cooking. Not as a matter of blaming him, just as a matter of refusing to be blamed.

Good news - got another stove/oven and the new one works better than the old one EVER did. Loving it! And, I'm allowed to cook now.

Second hill: DS is still having tantrum style outbursts. At school, on the bus and at  home. DH lost his cool and really yelled at poor kid. In H defense, DS was being like a toddler with the tantrum at home. In DS's defense, yelling fixes NOTHING EVER. :: Shakes head. History in our family is more like a merry-go-round. Yellow bar - DS pouts and throws tantrum. Green bar - I try to teach DS better methods than tantrum. RED bar - H hears it all from down the hall and begins yelling from there. ::

Good news - DS is on honor roll and having fewer tantrums at school. He's 8 - way too old for tantrums.

Third hill: Get papers that sound like DS is being forced into a summer 'turn-troubled-kids-around' program through school. We think it's related to that really bad situation a couple of months back. H looses his cool and goes ballistic. Keeps hands off DS for fear of how I will react. I'm angry, too, but trying to keep quiet so kid doesn't feel completely abandoned by his parents. Quietly talk with DS later, calmly restate DH and my expectations of him. DS realizes this is WAY more serious than he previously thought.

Good news: It's a voluntary day-camp for kids who the school felt might get into trouble without something structured to do. DS doesn't want to go, we aren't going to make him.

Coworkers didn't forget to include me in latest office group function. YUM and I'm grateful.

This was going to be a rant. If I hadn't been so busy at work, it might have been. But, the day had a chance to play out and it ended up pretty good.

What makes me proud of myself:
1) Staying calm when told about the fire. Minor EF to childhood, but easily managed once I realized what was going on.
2) Catching myself dissociating and trying to bring myself back to the present. Successful more than I expected.
3) Didn't try to steal the spotlight when celebrating daughter's new job. Didn't allow DS or DH to do that either.
4) Kept hubby from over-reacting without having to say a word in front of DS. Called hubby on over-reacting so often (later, in private) by admitting honestly that I do that too, sometimes. He did agree.
5) Been getting my job done better as well. Not as well as I absolutely can, but better.

I know we're works in progress, but I really have felt good about progress today.  to all of you who've waded through the long and painful posts. It's really, really nice to be able to post a good day.

[sanmagic7]

yay for you, wife2.  you so deserve a good day!  well done on all counts.  yahoo!

[Three Roses]

Well done, Wife! You're an encouragement!

[Wife#2]

Ugh. *** Trigger warning - manipulation by a master PD ***


Then, I get home. All's well through dinner and with daughter, who stopped in to pick up HER daughter. While I'm doing dishes, the phone rings. Mom calling, sounding all cheerful. Telling me as if it's a big joke that she was feeling dizzy and had fallen. She was up and fine but wanted me to come over for a bit.

Remembering last Halloween when her medical problem ended up just being loneliness, I was suspicious, but told her on the phone that if she had fallen, she was going to see a doctor. I realize now that she was playing me and that she didn't WANT to go see a doctor. She wanted company. I feel for it anyway. BUT, when I got there, she greeted me at the door (locked even though she knew I was coming over) with another dizzy spell. So, I told her we were seeing a doctor before I went home. Her choice - a clinic or the ER.

This is another part where she played me. AND I FELL FOR IT. She tells me she put a call in to the ER doctor who used to be her physician before leaving the practice for the ER full time. I don't know. I just remember her telling me about that months ago (his going to ER full time). So, we wait for a call-back and she gets her visit with daughter time. She calls again, leaves ANOTHER message for that doctor. We wait maybe 15 more minutes and I've had enough. It's time to GO somewhere and get this moving forward. She chooses ER - after all, that's where her preferred doctor now works. Whatever, as long as I don't get petulant Mom on my hands.

I walk her in, get her registered, move the car, and we sit in the ER - which is the most crowded I've ever seen it - and that's saying something. Registration nurse laughs - That's Monday night for you.

TWO HOURS LATER, which actually isn't bad of an ER wait, we get up. She doesn't feel dizzy anymore and I've got to get home. Hubby has already put DS to bed without me. I tell her we're letting the registration staff know we're leaving. Suddenly, Mom is the next patient. They wheelchair her to a room and start running tests. ALSO, they tell me that Mom can get non-emergency transport back home if I need to leave. Mom's tests are looking good, but they want to run more. An old woman (78), with a heart condition and high blood pressure, reports being dizzy, falling, hitting her head - they run ALL the tests. While they're doing this, Mom realizes I have to work the next day (today) and that it's unfair to keep me when she has another way home.

I leave and get home with barely enough time to try to unwind before I have to get to sleep. Hubby calls me out, showing how I just got played again. Mom never did intend to see a doctor! She wanted company. I will only go over at the drop of a hat when it's medical (still - I keep falling for that!). Otherwise, I arrange public meetings - restaurants, park, etc. I know he's right, agree he's right and say once again, 'I don't know how to put that last bit of distance between us. I know I should just call her an ambulance and be done with it, but no. I fall for the visit plea. Again.

Hubby reminds me of Halloween. If anything should have taught me it was last Halloween. I posted about it. She got me.

When will I learn? What will it take? Another Halloween-type incident, worse than last night?

Oh, and the part that makes me feel like such a big heel - even more than being a 'SUCKER'? I had promised DS that when I finished dishes, he and I would spend time together, just me and him. Yeah, poor kid had to wave as I drove away and was already in bed when I got back home. The part Mom doesn't get. The disappointed child left at home. That's the part that rips my heart. AND, he was so nice and understanding about it this morning! Even when Mom called before we left the house - just to tell me she was dehydrated (duh, she only drinks soda) and had a bladder infection. THAT was why she hit the floor.  DS was still sweet and kind to me. I didn't promise, because I don't want to break another promise so soon, but unless someone is on fire, DS and I are spending quality time together this evening. And hubby and I are as well after DS goes to bed.

and  @ myself for falling for it again. Ugh.

[Candid]

she played me. AND I FELL FOR IT.

I dunno, wife#2... you're awfully hard on yourself. Most of this post made me think of Karyl McBride, who got to the point of treating her mother like a naughty child, and wrote a book about it: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers.

I reckon you're doing really well. Maybe a sorting of priorities, some iron-clad boundaries as to what you will and won't do, and for how long, and then !

they tell me that Mom can get non-emergency transport back home if I need to leave.

Something to remember for next time. There will be a next time, won't there? You can drop her off at the ER exit and let the medicos take it from there.

I know I should just call her an ambulance and be done with it

Better still!

The part Mom doesn't get. The disappointed child left at home. That's the part that rips my heart. AND, he was so nice and understanding about it this morning!

So catering to Mom/Grandma is being handed down...

Off to look for your Hallowe'en experience. I bet it's a corker!

[Candid]

Ugh, roaches. You only have to look at them to see how evil and disgusting they are.

[Wife#2]

I get shivers seeing the WORD. They've been such a huge part of my entire life. Because she never could do what needs to be done to get rid of them. YUCK.

[Wife#2]

The years that shaped me: *** Possible Triggers of parentifcation, neglect, child-as-servant ***

I've been thinking about a lot of different aspects of how I turned out this way. I get confused about a lot of things, because I'm not sure what are memories, what are stories I heard so often, my imagination turned them into memories or what is just family lore. From my childhood, I have to just take the word of the older children about what used to go on. That's harder with my two closest siblings now dead. They were the truth-tellers to me. Even if it hurt my feelings, even if it made parents or even themselves look bad.

So, I think the years that shaped me the most were the years when it was just me and Mom in the home. Dad had left, married again. Oldest was married with her own family. Next got married during those years, that's a sweet-but-drama-filled tale in itself. Oldest brother was still living a secret life, not yet ready to own his homosexuality, though nobody doubted it by then. Middle sis was off to England, then off to college, never to live with either parent again. GC bro was finishing out high school in another town, then joining the Army. Autistic sis was institutionalized in a very high quality resident facility.

The thing I didn't delve into too much during those four years of just me and Mom was the dynamic that seemed to settle into our routine. More and more as the years went on, I became more of a caretaker to Mom. It wasn't overt, but it was there. She taught me to do my laundry, then it wasn't her job anymore. She had already taught me to do dishes, they weren't her job for a long time. (I was grateful for the apartments that had dish-washers!) She taught me to vacuum, dust, cook, everything I'd need as an adult. The responsible part of me was glad, until I noticed that I was doing these things and she was doing.... nothing.

Most evenings when she came home from work, I was expected to have my homework done, the trash removed, the litter emptied, the dishes clean and something chosen for dinner. We ate a lot of frozen dinners. Even though Mom would spend hundreds on groceries, most went bad in the fridge or gathered dust in the pantry. After dinner, I'd listen to her talk about her day while rubbing her feet. I'd go to my room and finish any homework still undone. She'd never been a Mom who checked homework. I did it because I wanted good grades so I could go to college. Later, we'd watch some TV together or I'd watch while she read the paper. Sometimes, she'd want to talk about a news story or whatever. We'd talk about it. I was always aware that having opinions other than Mom's was not a good idea. So, I wasn't a 'Devil's Advocate' so much as a mirror - reflecting back to her the image she expected.

When I needed a ride to the library for school, I dreaded asking her. It was always made known how put-upon she was because she was so tired from working (in an office job - marketing). When I needed a ride to a babysitting job, I could sense, though she never said it, that I should share my earnings because she'd made them possible. Often, I chose to walk or got the parents to pick me up from home. When I started working a real job (fast food, I was in high school!), I really started to have to get my own transportation! And if I was in a play or in the marching band or needed to go to rehearsals for either, I was on my own. I chose to walk a lot. All of this walking was done by a girl of less than 100 lbs at dusk or night in a middle-sized city - and not the best neighborhood of that city. I didn't know enough to be scared. She didn't seem to mind the risk to me.

There were different times when she made choices that were great for her, but not so great for me as her child. Like picking the house to rent that both of her children hated on site (at that point, GC bro wasn't sure if he was moving with us or not - that house may have decided him). Like taking the second job at the home security service center overnight, leaving a 15 year-old home alone with no transportation. Like dragging her daughter to rehearsals for the local Little Theater, which often went well past midnight, on school nights. Like travelling out of town for up to a week at a time with a 14/15 year-old at home alone.

By the time these things were happening, Dad had left the state, oldest two never lived in that state, next two had left the state and GC bro was in the military. Aunts and Uncles lived in other states. Mom and I were essentially alone. And her way of dealing with having a teenaged daughter at home was to not deal with it. She lived the life she wanted and if I was inconvenienced, oh well. She'd put off having her own life long enough.

She had a pretty good job, got child support for me, got alimony and even though she hardly spent a dime on me most of the time, she was always broke. She had lots of new, nice clothes - she 'had to have them' for her Fashion-Forward marketing job. OK. I bought that. But, my clothes came used after the fashion shows - thank goodness I was 'model' sized. Even my prom dress was used from a fashion show. At least, she did pay to have it altered to fit me better. I guess I do have to give her that. IF she ever paid the woman.

When the company downsized and eliminated her position (the only management position eliminated ?!?), she moved to another state for a job, while I was away at college. My stuff was stuffed into green trash bags and put into what would be my new bedroom. That's how I found it when I visited the first time. She was still in that house when college ended for me. She had the bedroom - but she wouldn't get child support for me anymore. So, I guess I was denied parental help because nobody would pay her to give me refuge. I was an adult and it was 'tough luck' time.

**** I just thought about something. That may have played into Dad's decision to stop my college. At that point, both my parents had left the state where I attended school. I bet his decision had more to do with that fact then my grades or brother's unpaid loan.  I hadn't lied about my mother's address change and he wasn't going to pay out-of-state rates for me to continue. Hmmmmm  ****

The upside to living with Mom during this time is that she gave me the teen years she had wanted. No restrictions, no bed-times, no curfews. The rules were unstated - make sure Mom is happy and feeling appreciated and everything will be just fine. Don't have needs, though. And, don't be disloyal and tell Dad that I provided for most of my own stuff through babysitting, etc and my clothes were all used. Don't let him think she's a bad Mom. Give a good front because nothing would be more humiliating to her than to have her ex and his new wife be able to bring her to task over her parenting. Because more than anything, she could not bare the thought that my stepmother would have ANYTHING to say to HER about parenting HER child.

During these years, Mom's other children almost never visited, rarely called and even more rarely wrote. Even my GC brother didn't visit her when Dad was still able to have every-other-weekend visitation.

I can think of dozens of situations where she would tell me what was going on, in a way that tried to blame my Dad - because he was responsible for EVERYTHING BAD that EVER happened to her after the divorce.

She couldn't pay a mortgage and raise two teens on alimony and child support, so Dad was to blame. She had to move to another city and abandon that house, and THAT was Dad's fault, too.

She rented a house that had an oil furnace. It was Dad's fault that we ran out of oil on Christmas Eve and she had to pay a premium to get the men out there on Christmas to refill it. I guess it was his fault that house was haunted, too?

If his check was even a day late, she was burning up the phone line saying words I didn't previously know she knew.

I was privy to all this because, until she made a new circle of friends in the new city, I was her only support. She wouldn't talk to her brother or sister, she felt judged by both of them. Both her parents were dead. In the city of the divorce, all the friends were my Dad's friends, except one. So, I was her support system, at the ages of 12-15. She wouldn't talk to the older siblings about it, or she did and I didn't know it - that's always possible.

Anyway, that's what set up the messed up enmeshed relationship with Mom. My needs didn't matter, unless she was feeling magnanimous and there was a public view possible. I learned to blame others for my shortcomings. I'd learned that giving teenagers all the freedom they wanted was supposed to build good character (stay up too late, you still have to go to school - THAT's how you learn responsibility). I'd learned that trying to earn the spotlight would fail. She had many more resources and methods for stealing the spotlight or ruining it for me. She could even manage to ruin it while sounding like a 'good parent'.

My heart-Mom sister would invite me to visit her, pay for it, and try to undo all that Mom was 'teaching' me during those short visits. Sis was under no illusion about Mom. She'd broken free at 16 and had good emotional awareness by 21. While Dad 'worried' about me from afar and Mom used me to her own means, Sis was constantly trying to keep me from sinking into the FOG. It didn't work very well, and when Mom gave me a place to be in my 20's when I needed it, I felt obligated to be her ally.

When sis died, I became Mom's crutch. I was glad to be there for her, except that it completely stifled me. When my brother died, I had already built some distance with Mom, but was still pretty deeply enmeshed. I THOUGHT I wasn't, but I was. When Autistic sister died, I completely allowed Mom to take me over for a while. I had so much guilt over that sister, as did Mom, that it felt like Mom and I had to meld to make one functional human being. AND, to attend that funeral, we had to enter the snake's nest - the region of the country where stepmother's family lived.

Wandering mind.... How dare Dad try to make Mom feel guilty or shamed for not visiting Autistic sister, when he'd had sister set up in a half-way house in the town that stepmother's family called home for generations? How dare he pretend to know her and her limitations AND set her up for that kind of fall? How dare he? He'd have been kinder to set Autistic sis in HIS city, where he and his wife currently live, than to leave her in that region of the country which has NOTHING good for Mom up there. Reminders of heartache and a failed marriage and the child that her body caused to be autistic. Who in their right mind would want to visit such a place, knowing the child you were visiting didn't even know you as Mom? Couldn't know you as Mom.  I guess that may have been more narcissistic setup by stepmother - Look what a GOOD WOMAN I am, from such GOOD PEOPLE, who visit this poor, damaged child of my husband and his Ex-wife - we visit her child more than SHE does! Yes, she lives a very long distance away and my family are EVERYWHERE in this town, so I can visit family at the same time I 'visit' that poor child. Still, I see that child more than SHE does.

OMG. I've been in such a FOG, my father is in one as well. He doesn't even see how she sets Mom up over and over again, using my Dad to accomplish it. SHE is the ANGEL and Mom is the Devil. And, now that I've defended my mother to her and Dad a few times, I'm in the Devil camp.

I'm just realizing that I've been painted black by my stepmother and that's why things are getting worse between Dad and me, even as she and he declare that they want to be closer.

Wow, I need new glasses, I've been so blind! I've put so much of this on Dad. Yes, Dad is ultimately responsible for how he treats me and what he says to me, but I think he's been manipulated a lot more than he realizes or would admit - even with proof.

As much as I was ever enmeshed with Mom, my Dad is enmeshed with his wife. He declares it a great marriage because they are ALWAYS together, ALWAYS working on things and ALWAYS communicating. OK, that does look like a good marriage. But, she's sneaky. Mom was right about that. She's good at making things sound like HIS idea, but it always manages to go her way. Point in case, I bet if I asked if I could bring DS up to visit again this summer, she'd hem and haw and finally ask if they could have him to themselves (no me around this time - because I smoke). They'd make it sound like what they want. But, when we were there last time, she barely spent any one-on-one time with DS. Dad barely spend any one-on-one time with him. I stayed there, fearing that he would be too much for them.

It may be as simple as how much I look like Mom. I really do look like a clone project, we're that similar. Stepmother favors the step-children who look like her husband.

Brain hurts and I've got to get back to work.

Boss just came in and wrote me up for a small mistake last week. First write-up in 12 years and I'm pissed. Maybe it has to do with how much she reminds me of my stepmother. Maybe it's because she's petty and I can't stand petty. I don't know. Gotta go.

[sanmagic7]

i'm not surprised your brain started hurting.  those realizations can be extremely heavy.  good for you, tho, for allowing them to come to the fore.  it sounds like a few more pieces fell into place for you, and i'm glad of that.  piecing this stuff together, gathering it up to connect smaller pieces and making larger ones is work.  i hope it was worth it to you - i know it has been for me.

i give you a lot of credit, wife2, for continuing to go after this stuff.  it takes guts. 

by the by, i hate petty people, too.  dang, they are irritating!  there's so much more to life!  big hug to you, my dear.

[Wife#2]

Thank you for the hug, San.

I think I'm pushing too hard, too fast. Especially to not be in therapy at the moment. I'm sinking into depression and I'm getting pretty irritable as a result.

I've tried to 'fake it till I make it', planting a smile on my face, hoping it'll take root. No such luck. Everyone is noticing.

It doesn't help that adult son popped his knee last week and has been a sour mean person towards me and hubby ever since. Hubby and I have tried to do everything we can to make adult DS' life better. We get verbally snapped at and we had enough the other day. I was asking a simple question, before he went storming out of the house, not to return until after my bedtime, because it did need an answer before the next morning. *Chomp, chomp* I almost let it go, but hubby had enough. Hubby lit into adult DS. This is not uncommon.

One difference this time, adult DS admitted he was being a jerk and had been being a jerk since his injury. Youth is helping him heal quickly - for that we are all thankful. Still, he has concerns. We've tried to help with those concerns. We got bitterness and anger for our troubles. While hubby was talking to DS, it almost went down the rabbit hole.  I just didn't have the energy to try to sooth DS or hubby or other DS (who could hear this all from the other room), or myself. So, I shut hubby down, told DS that we'd continue to help, but only if he fixed that attitude towards us. Otherwise, he could exit the house permanently. Which in some ways would suit me fine. I love the boy, but he's nearly 25 and he's never been full-time responsible for himself and all his bills. It's soon going to be time.

As with our oldest, the door will always be open if he gets out there and fails. But, just as with his oldest sister, he won't get the pick of the rooms and he may not like the new terms. Still, we will provide a soft place to land if needed. I sometimes wish he'd go ahead and get out there and TRY adult life for a while. I hope it'll teach him to appreciate people in his life who DO care for him and want the best for him. And, maybe he'll learn that money is nice to have, but it won't be your friend and it won't love you back.

Rambling again. The point was supposed to be: It's getting harder and harder for me to step in and be the referee between adult DS and hubby. Last Saturday, it was just more convenient to me to shut down the 'lecture', let DS get out of the house and STOP THE DRAMA.

So tired. So depressed. Want to cry, but just can't make any tears today.

[sanmagic7]

 

parenting is so hard - co-parenting is so harder.  maybe you are going too fast, delving into things too quickly and intensely.  maybe it's time for some time for you - truthfully, i'm glad you backed out of that drama.  dad has some responsibility here, too.

referee is a sucky role to play in a family.  that kid is an adult now - he deserves to be treated like one, which means dealing with other adults (like his dad) on an adult level, having adult responsibilities around the house, etc.  i started my girls doing their own laundry when they were 13 - it was their rite of passage, of sorts.  they were used to tossing their clothes around when they were dirty, not putting them away when they were clean, so i let them be responsible for how they wanted to look.  it worked out well, and i was always there if they had questions.

you've got plenty to do with working full time, and being such a caring mom to your youngest boy and a good partner to your hub.  maybe that's enough for now. 

my heart is with you, wife2.  always.

[Wife#2]

I'm pretty badly triggered right now and I think I know why.

First, I get a call from DS. He's at school, he's been sick and needs to go home. I'm at lunch when I get the call. I've missed a lot of time lately for family illness or injury and it's beginning to show in my boss' attitude towards me. So, dreading but wanting to be there for DS, I prepare to ask AGAIN for time to attend to my family.

I call hubby first. He wants me to call adult DSD, realizes he can use home phone, though I'm pretty sure she's working today. He gets no answer. Then, he calls DSS - who will go get DS from school. DSS is driving again, but not yet released to work. Meanwhile, I decided to drive back to work in case this plan failed. While driving, I turned off my ringer. I get an earful from hubby about that. Because he'd called while I was driving. Lots of 'Why bother having a phone if you won't answer' and 'Why do I pay for that (he doesn't, I do)'. I try to explain, get interrupted and decide to not bother. Because I'm already triggered. And I finally realize why.

I was relegated to the care of a sibling by my mother at about the same age. I hated it. I wanted my mother! But, Mom was too busy at work. And here I am, being 'too busy at work' to go get him and care for him. I hate this. I want to cry! And everyone else sees this as the most reasonable, responsible and logical course of action. It's just me screaming inside my head - NO! I want to be there for my son the way my mother wasn't there for me!!! This isn't fair! He'll remember this for the rest of his life!

So, now I feel slightly sick, headachy and sad. So very sad. Do I understand more why Mom did that? Yes, says the grownup me. NO says the 8-year-old me. 8YO me says, 'Mommy was NEVER there for me and all I want is my Mommy to give me a hug and tell me I'm going to be ok. That's all. Is that really too much to ask?'

And the way things have been here at work lately, I really wouldn't care if I lost my job because I was caring for my family more than my paycheck. I know that's 'irresponsible' and I don't care. So, I sit here. Head hurting. Wanting to hug my son and tell him, 'It's ok. You're going to be fine.'

[sanmagic7]

and a soothing, caring embrace for you to rest your head for a moment, let out a sigh, and know that you are not your mother.  the relationship you have with your son is nothing like the relationship between you and your mother.  you are so caring and nurturing with him, always thinking about what's best for him, wife2. 

you don't always have the support you need for this dynamic to flow smoothly, and i'm sorry for that.   it absolutely gets to us at times; hence, the irresponsible thoughts.  you're so far from irresponsible, it's not even in the same ballpark. 

as a wise woman often says - breathe.  breathe in the light, and slowly breathe out the toxins, the neg. self-flagellation, and the guilt.  those don't belong to you, they're not yours, you can let them go, gently, so they don't scatter all over your head like so much dust.

you are brave and kind and caring with your family, and you deserve to keep that in mind and  honor that.  i'm proud to call you my friend.   big hug. 

[Wife#2]

Thank you so much for the reminder, the mirror and the big hug. I needed all of them.

Yes, breathing did help. I wish I'd remembered that yesterday! LOL.

When I got home, DS was feeling completely better, bouncing as he often does, playing on his PlayStation with is niece. We all went her award ceremony, the way we originally wanted to. It was a good evening.

Except, I hadn't breathed yet. Not the deep, healing kind. So, I did take the time when I read your post this morning. Thank you! It's helping me get through what must be a long day based on my job. In three seconds, out five. In with the clean air, out with the toxins and stress and fear and guilt.

Much better now.    

[sanmagic7]

love and hugs, always.