The new journal for me - stage 2

[Elphanigh]

Hi Wife2, so good to see you. Although I am sorry to hear about everything that is going one. Just know you will get wherr yiu need to be in you own time. I promise

I wish I had more words,  but all of me is exhausted too, so instead I send a lot of warm caring hugs 

[Wife#2]

Ladies - your kindness is as welcome as the smile of my child when I return home in the evenings. Thank you for it, you enrich my life and I am ever grateful.

::: Deep Breathe ::: ::: One more :::

Ok, no whining today. All is not well, but it isn't horrible, either. I'll get through a few more days, then a few more, till suddenly another year has gone by.

I've got 21 days to improve my attitude and allow myself to have a wonderful birthday. It's one of the zero years and I'm having to remind myself to be grateful that I even get to HAVE a birthday this 'big'.

Dang, the whiney monster wrestled and won again. This will take a while (Trigger Warning, disability, autism, anger and resentment)

I have had a photo for a while. My sister put out a call for anyone in the family who had a picture of all seven children together, besides the one we all have. I told her about this picture I had, but didn't give it to her or share it by taking a photo of a photo.

Anyway, I am about 15-18 months old in this pic. So, of course, I have no idea where it is or why we're all dressed up. As far as I knew, it could have been a church thing, because the building we're sitting on the wall near looks an awful lot like a church to me.

On sister's last visit to my house, I gave her the picture. She laughed and said, Oh, right, this is at the Institution! We were visiting (Severely autistic sister)! No wonder we all looked so tense. This was in the same city, but not very close to our house. I'm sure, knowing Dad, we were piled into the car after Church and driven to 'visit your sister'.

This fills me with mixed emotions. She was my sister, but I can't remember a single day when she liked me at all. I don't remember a single time when we could even be in the same room together and be in peace. Ever. And, according to my Dad, *I* was the reason she was put there. Because I was failing to thrive with an older, profoundly autistic, sister in the same house. Ergo, institution.

I almost dropped the picture. I don't want it. I'm glad I gave it to her. Every picture of my sister brings to me feelings of shame, doubt, fear, having let my father down in a profound way such that I can never make up for it. Even the pictures of her in her half-way house where she was happy as an adult. There is no picture of that sister which does not repel me because of all of those negative emotions. That sister has been dead and buried for over 15 years. Still, the photos haunt me. I did love my sister and I did get the sense that she has forgiven me for running away from her in adulthood. She had her part in that as well, profoundly autistic or not.

Don't know why this came up, but here it is. One of my demons that just won't quit. And it doesn't like to shut up, either. Next month is going to be a difficult month for me. There will be lots of Autism Speaks events, highlighting the very real accomplishments of people along the autism spectrum. I AM glad to see these stories. But, throughout October, I am going to be triggered over and over and over again. Not the least reason that her birthday (and mine) is in October.

Part of me wants to attend these Autism Speak events. Speak of my sister and try to reduce the guilt/shame/hurt/anger by talking about it. Would it be rude of me to stand there and tell them that they are pompous when they assert that we should ALL love and speak for the Autistic in our lives? Should I say that some Autism Speaks, but when you're barely a year younger than a non-speaking autistic person, you don't speak either? Would it offend if I told them to shove their love in the backside of an angry bear? Until they've walked in MY shoes, they have NO RIGHT to tell me how I should feel about autism.

I wish I could find a group of younger siblings who DIDN'T have a wonderful experience full of love and sunshine that I could be open and honest with. I would love to hug one other younger sibling who says - this wasn't fair! I was younger and got ignored because of the needs of the older, autistic sibling! Maybe I wouldn't feel like such a horrible person for not adoring my sister. Maybe I wouldn't feel like such a *-bound failure of a human because I was hurt and angry at her just for being the way she was. For making my life harder. For making Dad resent me, even after he had to put her into the institution, because he wouldn't have had to if I'd never been born. For feeling horrible to even think these things, let alone express them.

And the triggers will be everywhere. And I'm tired of fighting them. Alone, because hubby THINKS he gets it, but doesn't. Hubby is no support at all on this. And, his fuse is short when it comes to caring about my issues that last longer than his lecture of what I should do to make myself all better. Crud.

This took longer than I expected. I'm sorry, faithful forum friends. I go through this every year around my birthday. I love having birthdays. I love being around family and friends. I tend towards FOC and friends since they don't tend to remind me of PAS (Profoundly Autistic Sister = PAS).

I really have so much that I could go on for pages. Much I've said before. Much I thought I'd got past before. Evidently not.

::: Breathe ::: ::: Again, Breathe :::

[sanmagic7]

my dearest wife2,

such profound emotions - i feel them.  my younger d was in a similar situation, albeit not w/ autism.  my older d was rife with mental illness nearly all her life, and younger d got ignored because of it as well.  i'm sure she could relate greatly to your feelings.

no, it's not fair, not too you, not to her.  it is a shame and a sorrow in my heart.  but, it's on me, not on her.  whatever happened, it was on me (and her father, for what that's worth).  just like it's on your father, not on you.  he just never took responsibility for his decisions.  instead, he put them on you so you could carry that tremendous burden for him.  that was absolutely not fair, nor was it right.

the idea of you trying so hard to unburden yourself from this and not succeeding - i suspect it's because you're working in a 'negative' atmosphere.  you know, one that continues to suck the air out no matter how many oxygen hoses you utilize in your attempt to fill that black hole.  it's an impossibility because you're trying to breathe in a vacuum.

the idea of being human in all its facets can be daunting, but human you are, my dear.  i can tell you till i'm blue in the face that none of this was your fault, therefore none of it is your fault.  however, it isn't until you can tell yourself and believe it that this demon will dissipate.  you were born into a neg. situation, and it was up to the adults to deal with it in a caring, gentle, loving manner.  that's what you deserved.

i am heartsore that you went thru this, that you were blamed, that you are the one living unhappily because of it.  my younger d still has issues with me (i don't know if she holds her father responsible at all, or if she's talked to him about it.  she's talked to me, and still can't get past some of it, even tho she's finally nc with her sister and understands.  still . . .) because of our family dynamic.  this is no easy task to perform, to get out from under.   

we are libra sisters, i guess.  my b-day is the 7th.   my gift for you is the wish that you can finally throw that yoke of responsibility off your shoulders where it will be trampled into the ground by 100 oxen, never to be a weight for you to carry again.  with all love and angel wings to embrace you, i salute your honesty.  you've got nothing to be ashamed of or to apologize for.  you deserved better. 

[Wife#2]

Big hugs back, San. And thank you so much. 

To help you with the cross on your shoulders....

The reason I'm angry at the adults is that, even after PAS's (Profoundly Autistic Sister) death, they assume they can tell me what a wonderful sweet person she was and that should wipe away all those years of her hitting, scratching and biting me. Their experience of her should trump my own. And, because I'm 'part of the Autistic Person world', I should embrace ALL Autistic people. See, the judgment of me as lesser and smaller-hearted and unkind goes on, will go on until all who knew PAS and me have passed from the Earth. THAT is the part of all this that makes me angry. They refuse to believe that the person THEY experienced as kind, loving and welcoming is not the person I knew. They refuse to acknowledge that, for whatever reason, she hated me. And that her hatred of me had, and has, a long-lasting, painful effect on me.

What makes the pain fresh is that they continue to invalidate my experience because it's different from theirs. This is the secret of opening your daughter's heart over time. Validation of HER experience of you and your oldest D and her father. Validation that HER perspective was and will remain different. Validation of HER choices in how to cope with this as an adult (as long as they are not self-destructive). This will allow those wounds to finally heal, for her to trust that you did and do love her to the moon and back - that those aren't words heard in a movie and repeated for effect.

I've never truly healed from PAS's funeral. The entire event was a nightmare from the time Mom and me rented a car to go. At no point did the nightmare relent. But, the most painful part was when my father spoke as if that woman, his PAS daughter, had never done a single thing to hurt another human being ever, with me sitting in the room knowing otherwise. Fine, you don't want to speak ill of the dead? Well, don't insult the life of the living either. There is a way to tell the truth without blowing sunshine OR insulting others. To not even allow that the sunshine could be flawed is to invalidate PAS's humanity AND my reality.

The biggest single take-away is to validate your daughter's experience of the whole thing. On her terms, letting HER bring it up as she needs to for her sake. To listen without defending, judging or correcting. She may remember it wrong as facts go, but she's relaying her experience of it as much as anything. Who cares if it happened on Tuesday, not Friday and it was raining, not sunny and she said that to both of us, not just you? Don't invalidate the deeper message of her pain or her struggle because you remember the facts better than she did. Later, when she's managed that round of pain or memories, you can laugh and say, I bet you a tuna sandwich that happened on a Tuesday. Something to keep it light and non-threatening to the validation already provided. And only if the facts of the situation will distract YOU from providing that validation in the future.

That's fresh on my mind because my husband lost a perfect opportunity to give me some validation and support after a tough day at work, but got lost in his own understanding of the specific words I used, my emotional state, how HE would have handled it better. When his lecture was over, I failed to have any desire to talk with him ever again about anything personal (not great in marriage) because he really hurt me with the invalidation of my feelings and the surety that his way was so much better than my own. At that point, when I had asked for support, it didn't matter even if his way would have been better.

So, listen, validate, love. You are already so wonderful at all this. I feel sure that's why your daughter is making the progress she is. That is where you show that the past is past and even harsh words spoken from pain and anger are forgiven, but moving forward you really will be listening. And hearing with your heart as well as your brain. Like you so often do for me. Thank you!! 

[radical]

Hi Wife#2

I was the younger sister (just over a year younger) of a severely disabled sister, and my sister's needs and problems were really hard for the whole family.  In one way, my experience was the opposite of yours because my sister was never institutionalised despite pressure on my mother from family and professionals, which I feel sure in myself, included "think of your unborn child".

Being an unplanned child, conceived so soon after my sister was born was a major reason I feel I was scapegoated in the family; being set up as a reason to remove a beloved baby, being touted as a replacement baby in the struggle of my mother's life, and because the extreme demands in coping with my sister's disability, and stress of and conflict arising from the situation meant my mother didn't have the time or emotional space, and possibly the unconflicted desire, to bond with me.

I think having my sister with us meant it was impossible for any of us to create a fantasy of who she was. I loved her very much but it was hard.  It sounds like your parents may not have been able to come to terms with having a disabled child or with their guilt at removing her from the family home and that you might have been blamed to alleviate the burden of their guilt.  I can't say, I'm just throwing it out there.  Maybe also, they weren't able to love her as she was and they created a myth about this too.  I can't understand why there would be a need to create a fantasy version of your sister if they were able to accept and truly love who she was.   Where a childly is severely disabled It is hard for parents to grieve the child they wished, to make the transition to loving the child and it may be that institiutionalisation my make this even harder.  Again, I can't know, I hope suggesting this isn't intrusive or unfair.  It really is just what is going through my mind as I read your story.

I'm sorry for  what you went through, are still going through.  It wasn't fair to blame and invalidate you.  It's hard enough to be an almost-twin of a child with great needs, and it is still hard living with having had so many developmental needs unmet - that is my truth.  It is no wonder you have been left with feelings of resentment.  I know that even without my sister having been beatified in my parents eyes, my needs and the ways I was affected went unnoticed and unacknowledged, at the same time as my sister's greater needs were the focus of enormous devoted attention.  I don't think I felt jealousy simply because this was how it always was and I internalised being unimportant and unlovable.

I feel for you.  thank you for talking about this.

[Blueberry]

Wife#2, I might manage a longer reply sometime but for now: 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, wife2, for the heartfelt advice.  my d and i have come a long way, have been able to talk about it, and are closer than ever now.  some of her issues are also connected with the sister dynamic, and it's all tangled together, so those parts are what are taking longer for her to resolve.

i feel pretty good about it all nowadays.  what helped her a lot was when i went nc with older d.  that act spoke volumes to younger d all by itself.  she was able to do the same about a year later.  i think my finality was very validating for her.  sometimes actions really do speak louder than words.

i'm very sorry to hear that your hub said what he said.  i don't blame you for not wanting to go to him anymore with anything personal.  i wouldn't either.   that lecturing crapola after the fact - it just doesn't make any sense, and sure isn't of any benefit to you.  how could it do anything but make you feel rotten?

been there, done that.  it sucks.

as far as knowing that others only see pas the one way your parents show is agony.  i experience that with my ex.  everyone thinks he is the cat's pajamas.  he is an entertainer and a great liar (he's bragged to me about being so, even w/ his t) and no one has any idea of what a crudrot he really is.  no one would believe me, either.  so, i sit with the knowledge that no one will ever see him for the kind of man? that would push me out of a 20-yr. marriage because of his narc attributes.

so, we go on.  as best we can.  i'm standing beside you no matter what, i hope you know that.  my heart is with you, wife2.  you are my dear sweet sister and i love you dearly.  that won't change.    i believe you, for what it's worth.  and i know you're always beside me as well.  together, we'll get thru this.  warm, caring hug coming your way.

[Wife#2]

I wanted to write this down so I can come back and re-read it often.

*** I hope that my son loves as deeply as I love him. I hope that his love is returned and that he discovers the joys of this world. I hope that he grows to adulthood healthy and open to life's experiences. I hope this world doesn't betray him.

I know I can't keep  him innocent - that boat sailed many years ago. Still, I hope to allow  him to have his child-like naiveté about the uglier aspects of this world. I hope we (hubby and I) continue to protect that and nurture his inner strength through confidence. The kind of confidence that comes from knowing one is loved and valued.

With the news being what it is lately, I am taking a hiatus from the news. I just can't hold on to my hope for the future AND watch the news. I also can't protect my son from the news - I know that - but he doesn't have to have it splashed in his face on our giant TV every evening as well. So, our home will become a place where internet searches replace news broadcasts. Last night was jut too much. I can't do that to my self or my family anymore.

I won't hide from it forever, but I need a season away from it all. I sincerely hope my husband understands. So, I can repeat and help guide my son to a path where those statements of hope can come true for him.

[Wife#2]

I'm not in a good place today.

**** TRIGGER WARNING, I THINK. JUST IN CASE **** Please, if you're having a less-than-wonderful day, avoid this post.

I just am not feeling any love right now. Not from friends, not from family, not from birth family. And they're all trying!







So, what's my issue, you say. Good question. While I've been telling my husband for years that I crave touch and that I do not feel loved unless I am touched with tenderness, he's been oblivious. The few times he WILL touch me, he expects HIS needs met nearly immediately. Every time. He's not hearing me that my well went dry from all those drought years and he has work to do to fill them. So, I've dried up like a tumbleweed regarding him.

Now, I have been sexually harassed at a former employer. I will not allow that to happen again. In fact, I've got so many self-protections in place that many of the men around here think I'm rather prickly. That's fine with me. They know I'm not mean, I enjoy a good joke or two, but don't try to touch or get physically close and don't try to get me talking about home life. NOT gonna happen!

Work has also been insane lately. I've literally had two full-time jobs to try to get done, while also helping cover in other departments, having just recently survived a layoff. So, when overtime to try to get caught up was offered, I jumped at it. I'm stressing out as it is, and the extra time is needed and the extra money would sure come in handy.

I was, therefore only slightly surprised when hubby asked me if I was having an affair. 

The surprised part was angry, because if ANYONE would consider cheating, it wouldn't be me. I won't allow myself to be in a situation where that might even be possible. I even offended the nice, flirty clerk at the nearby store because his flirting made me want to respond in kind and that was not appropriate. The walls are up. Besides, we may not be happily married, but I still wouldn't hurt him that way.

The not-surprised part was sad. He'd rather think that I was cheating than consider that he was letting me down emotionally and that he could do something to fix it.

And, in the back of my mind is the reality that EVERYONE believes I should at least separate from him, except him of course. He's happy and not sure WHY I'm so miserable. I tried to explain that all he does for me doesn't matter when it's not what I need! It's like feeding and feeding and feeding a pet, but never giving them water. They get a little from their food, but not enough to sustain them! When they plead for water, looking at them like they're rude for not appreciating all the food misses the point so dramatically!

Now I feel completely alone and misunderstood and taken for granted for all I do and because I'm dying of touch 'thirst' over here I'm now being doubted for my integrity? Because, as a seriously 'thirsty' woman, I can't give him HIS needs anymore? He refuses to see the progression as natural. And I'm at a loss how to open his eyes.

And I'm at a loss on how to move out or move him out so we can separate and determine if that's what needs to happen. OMG, the housing market around here stinks even worse than the job market! It's all either scary-bad neighborhoods that I can afford or nice neighborhoods I can't afford! And if I can't afford them, for certain, hubby won't after a separation.

So, not having a great time. Hubby thinks I'm cheating because that's easier than listening to what I've been telling him was going to happen if things didn't change - and they didn't change. And, now I really don't know what to do. As usual. Stuck because I hate making painful decisions. And I'm afraid of hurting others, even if they've been hurting me emotionally for years.

Ugh.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

dear wife2,

you will do what you think best, and i totally support that.  by the by, i, too, avoid the news now.  overwhelming on so many levels.  don't need that in my life right now.

in life, everyone has expectations, and in reality, all those expectations won't be met.  that may hurt sometimes, but for those we love, we would rather they take care of themselves first than sacrifice themselves to take care of us.  no?  my hub told me one of the most loving things i think i've ever heard from a man a few weeks ago.

he'd been helping me with all my illnesses for nearly 16 yrs., but he wouldn't do what was needed to help our relationship.  and, i had to leave.  we still love each other, and i know it hurt him deeply when i left.  it sent him into a shock that he's finally coming out of.  we still talk on the phone every week, and are very supportive of each other.  it's much better for me this way rather than living with him. 

what he said to me was that if i could find another man to take care of me, it would make him the happiest man in the world.   i'm not looking, and i told him so, but for a mexican man to say that to his wife, well, that's not really done.   to me, that was a declaration of love.

i write this because i understand your dilemma, wife2, of not wanting to hurt him.  i didn't want to hurt my hub, either.   i, too, stayed too long.  i'd talked about leaving him for years.  i'd gotten to the point, however, that i knew if i didn't leave, i would continue to sink and eventually, painfully drown.   i saw it, i felt it, and it was the point of no return when i knew what had to be done.   it was a singularly-focused knowing.  i had to take care of myself, and pray he would find his way to take care of himself without me.   he's been challenged, but he's staying afloat. 

i'm truly sorry for your struggles with this.  those chains that bind us, that compel us to look to the well-being of others  as we writhe in agony within our repetition of those messages that tell us we don't deserve to take care of ourselves if it means we haven't taken care of the whole rest of the world first, can be the most difficult to break.  standing strong beside you, wife2.  i know you're doing the best you can in a more than difficult situation.  big hug filled with love and understanding to you, dear friend.

[Wife#2]

  Thank you, so much, sister San. I really needed that hug this morning.

I did have a good weekend, despite hubby being strong on all the planning and my not getting to do something I though very important (wanted a date night on our anniversary, got dinner at home with extended family instead). It wasn't that I didn't enjoy the meal or the company, it was that he heard my preference, disagreed and went ahead with his plan.

Then, Mom came over yesterday. She brought a sweet card and flowers and was really wonderful for the whole visit. I miss THIS version of my mother. I MISS the woman who could reach out to me and with a look show me all the love she feels for me and all the concern that I'm not happy but putting up a brave face. THIS is the mother I would see in flashes as I was growing up. She would then disappear under the weight of her own life and concerns only to reappear just often enough to keep me grateful. I hugged her until I almost hurt her, she looked at me with deep understanding. She let me touch her face to show the tender love I have for her. Yes, it was a good visit.

This got me to thinking about the relationship with me and my husband. He was attentive and kind all weekend. He didn't realize that telling me he'd rather be in another room than insult the show I wanted to watch was the same as insulting the show I wanted to watch anyway, but I let it go. He didn't realize that I am so in the habit of not expressing my needs that when he asked if there was anything he needed to do, I would naturally say, 'No, I'm fine right now.'.

And, it's stupid things. Mom got me flowers (birthday & anniversary same weekend, she got two bouquets), my husband didn't. Mom was tender and patient, hubby backhand insulted without realizing it, ignored my preference for an evening for just us and still managed to look like he was catering to my every whim while ignoring me for hours both days. Mom let me guide the conversation, hubby only really talked about his hobby all weekend.

So, I'm sad. And I really appreciate the hugs everyone is offering.      Thank you!

[Sceal]

Just want to offer you a belated happy birthday and anniversary! And a big hug!

[sanmagic7]

yes, happy b-day and anniversary.  i'm so glad for you that it went well with your mom.  you deserved that, and it was great timing.

a thought occurred to me last nite after writing about us hurting someone when we take care of ourselves.  it seems to me that that's not exactly what happens.  we don't hurt the other people when we practice self-care.  it's not us doing the hurting.  they may feel angry or hurt or pain because we're not doing what they want, but that's on them.

if we don't meet someone's expectations, does that automatically mean that we're doing the hurting?  that we're hurting them?  their feelings are their own.  i was taught that a long time ago in a support group - we can't make people feel hurt, or happy, or sad, or anything like that. 

anyway, just thought i'd write that down.   sending you a bouquet of flowers, hmmm, dahlias and mums and baby's breath for your desk this week in honor of your two big celebrations over the weekend.   coral and pink and orange colored petals, yellow centers.  greens and pink baby's breath to round it all out.  enjoy.  and a smashing big hug for my libra sister.   

[Three Roses]

Happy anniversary and happy birthday!!