It's amazing how quickly it all changes.

[LovelyLindsey]

I just joined this forum today on a whim, thinking it might be good for me. I have spent my whole life trying to diagnose myself, to find out whats wrong with me because my mother has told me ever since I can remember that there is something wrong with me (in so many words- she's a nurse so naturally she has a diagnoses for everything-usually it's worse case scenario). She still insists to this day that I might be high functioning Autistic....which even my therapist says is absurd. I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar, MDD and ADHD. I've looked into just about every mental illness out there to try and figure out whats been going on inside my head. Just recently I've started seeing a trauma therapist and she said that everything can be explained by PTSD. I've never been so hopeful in my life. It's all starting to make sense.

I've never understood all of the rage inside of me. I've known that it's there, and that when it's triggered I can turn into an uncontrollable monster...but, I never knew why. I'm a great person, I have an amazing personality, and I'm proud of that. Despite all of the abuse I am a social butterfly and I am humble, kind, generous, funny, compassionate....I give everything I have and more...

But it can change so fast if you know what button to push, what wound to poke...and all of the sudden I don't recognize myself...or the sound of my voice. I say things, no...I scream things I can't remember and I can't be touched because it sets my soul on fire and I just want to run away as far as my feet can take me.

I'm finally starting to understand. The weird thing is that I'm excited and hopeful for the change that is coming in my life because of this new therapy, but I'm also terrified. I am scared because I don't know any other way...I don't know how to be anything but sad, and angry and lost.

Here's to surviving...and someday actually living.

[Three Roses]

The weird thing is that I'm excited and hopeful for the change that is coming in my life because of this new therapy, but I'm also terrified.

This is exactly how I feel, too. I'm probably not going to have emdr, but I'm excited and scared at the prospect of recovery. I've been this way my whole life - who will I be on the other side? Scary. But I'm looking forward to meeting me!

[sanmagic7]

hey, ll,

i'm happy for you that you seem to have found something that fits for you, finally, instead of those dreaded labels that make you feel crazy.  we're not crazy, not by a long shot.  finally finding out what's really going on is a relief in its own right.  pushing through it is what allows you to find the real you, your true self, and be able to discount the untruths that were told to you about you.

it is a scary process cuz it's an unknown.  one thing i do know, and this goes for everyone here, is that people who reach out for help and connection to others in the same boat are good, caring, compassionate people.   that's how i've seen everyone on this forum.  so, welcome!  glad you're here. 

3 roses, i've  gotten to know you because the real you has shone herself so many times while i've been here.  you are one of the sweetest people i've never met.  i hope you can soon see yourself as i see you.  beautiful.

[LovelyLindsey]

Thank you both for the kind words.

It's been a rough journey so far, and I know that it usually gets harder before it gets better, but man...

Truthfully, I've been avoiding my self improvement lately...and I think it's because I'm just exhausted already. It's not that I don't want to improve, because I want that more than anything. I guess I just didn't expect it to be as hard as it has been....but already with this forum I am relating with the posts I'm reading and I'm realizing that I'm not as alone as I once was...so hopefully it helps.

[sanmagic7]

hopefully it helps, indeed! 

maybe you need a little bit of a break from self-improving.  it can be exhausting and even eventually overwhelming!  we all need some time to recharge and refuel.  i'm on a break of sorts right now.  getting some strength and energy back so i can go at it again.  i was going full blazes for awhile, and crashed.  i've been resting from self-improvement, per se, for about 3 months.

i do keep in touch with this forum - i think it helps keep me balanced and grounded so i don't just float away.  it's not the heavy work of 'self-improvement' but it is replenishing for me, which is what i believe i need right now.  we all need to figure out our own best way of doing this - it's different for everyone.   your pace, your steps, your path, your recovery.   best to you.  big hug.

[Spirals]

Hi, Lovely Lindsey 

If it's any comfort, I have rage issues. I've even attacked people. I think growing up with frustrating or abusive people can cause some people to develop rage problems     It was so bad in my teens, I secretly worried about ending up in jail.

I don't rage frequently but once I hit my threshold, I can't be reasoned with and I need space and preferably solitude to calm down. I have found I need to prioritize stress management more than people who don't rage.

I think sanmagic7 is right about healing being exhausting and overwhelming. Nobody changes overnight anyways, so as long as you are making some progress (even if it's really, really slow), that's more important in my opinion. It's ok to take breaks, too. Progress has different paces for everyone