Stuck about what to do next: Mild triggers re: naming abuse

[Wife#2]

I've been working hard to root out ALL of the causes of my ucPTSD. I think I've uncovered most if not all of them.

I spent decades blaming Mom exclusively. That wasn't fair. Yes, we did fail to bond properly and there were abandonment and neglect issues, but she was only one of multiple sources. Dad had some failure to bond, some neglect and I do now believe some resentment towards me. My GC brother was a bully, and because of the neglect from the parents and his GC status, operated without consequences most of the time.

I was also bullied at school, made fun of, occasionally fought. The times that really hurt were when my brother joined 'the other side' against me.

All that conditioning led me to put myself into self-destructive or victimizing situations.

My dilemma now is that I want to get back in touch with my family. I haven't spoken to anyone since Christmas and then only Dad. I do love my family and I do want relationship with them. The old tendencies are there, but not as bad as when I was a child. I believe that with a perspective change, and a guard around my heart, I can be a part of this family. I find myself longing to have the courage to pick up the phone and call them. Not because I need anything, not because of guilt or obligation, but because I do care and do want to know how they are doing. I just don't know if I'm strong enough yet to hold my tongue and keep myself from rehashing these things with them. I already know that would not produce any good results.

How do I try to be a part of this family without the drama of dredging up the past? How do I let it sit and be what it is and speak with them in the now only? Since I am a freeze/flight personality, should I even put myself into that position? If not, how do I deal with the longing to be in touch, a part of the group? How do I be sincere, in the current times, and not play-act to gloss over my desire to question them? ::: shaking my head as I type this :::  I don't think I'm ready yet.

Thank you for giving us a place to try to work these things out.

[sanmagic7]

it sounds like you answered your own question, wife2.

the idea of letting it sit and be what it is resonated with me.  that's been the hardest part for me in distancing myself from abusive people, or wanting to tell my daughter everything.  i came to the conclusion that attempting to talk with them, explain, get some understanding, whatever - it just wouldn't work.  they'd never 'get' it because we're on a different wavelength.

letting go of wanting to tell my daughter everything ended up becoming a protective thing for me.  she's got enough on her plate - i don't need to completely turn her world upside down just to satisfy some longing within me.  that isn't fair to her.

i relate to wanting to have these people back in your life.  they're family.  maybe it wasn't/wouldn't be so bad after all to reconnect in some way.  you've got some recovery under your belt, some of your perspectives have changed, you've grown, all that.  your hesitation, however, speaks volumes, to my mind.  i know you'll figure it out.  big hug.