Twink's Journal

[Twinkletoes]

Wednesday 8th Feb.

I had my session last night, I really was feeling very anxious about it yesterday. I guess that I knew deep down it would be okay really, but the shame was so much. I wanted to hide and even had thoughts (quick ones) of cancelling my session and saying I was sick.  I haven't ever missed a session due to illness in nearly 3 years so the thought left quite quickly and I guess that the fact I sent t an email to tell her I was feeling huge shame and embarrassment about coming helped me to know that perhaps she would go delicately with me.

As the time turned to 7.30pm last night, my stomach dropped and I had to lock the car and knock on her door. She greeted me the same way she always has done, with a smile and a hello Twinkletoes... I sat down and put my coat over my lap as always - she asked me last session why I do that and I did admit its a comfort thing. I felt hugely uncomfortable and was dreading what was going to get said, I realised that I couldn't look at her.  She had my emails in her hand, as predicted.  The first thing she said was, I have got your email. You are really shaming yourself, try not to do that and then she said "well done for sending it".. I felt embarrassed immediately and said "ha, thanks" quite flippantly although I knew deep down that I liked hearing her say "well done" - it was like it helped me to feel I had done the right thing and that it meant she could really understand the struggle I was having within in coming to my session.

She handed me the emails over and said she wanted me to read them - she clearly knew I didn't want to. She said that she wasn't trying to be mean, but she thought it would help me to get into touch with things.... I panicked I guess.  I took the emails and said that I really didn't want to (despite the fact I knew I was about to)... I held the emails and immediately my eyes filled up and I started crying. I hadn't even said a word at this point. I couldn't look at her. I felt a huge wave of heat come over me and I had to take my jumper off because I started sweating. 

She was kind, as always, and told me to take my time, to go with the feelings, not to rush the reading part etc etc - I said I couldn't believe I was already crying and I hadn't even read the first word from the email yet! I noticed that when I cried, it was extremely sudden and deep. Not just a few little tears - this is unusual for me in therapy but also, normally I feel the build-up more than I did in that moment.

I read the email and a few times during the email I burst into sobs - proper, deep sobs. I even made a noise at one point (not sure how to articulate this properly!) but it made me really realise quite how hurt I was at the things I was reading. Here is a small section of the email that made me do this: 

I feel scared that now this has come out into the open that we won't be able to tolerate it. What if we can't fix it? What if Paul is put off completely and can't see me any differently after "seeing" it?
 
I feel ashamed that I've done this – that I've let this happen. What if I do lose him ... is our love strong enough for us to climb out of this triangle together and still be okay? I've spent the last 3 years feeling so sure I have finally found "the one". Someone that I feel safe with, secure with, someone I don't worry about cheating on me or leaving me – someone that "gets me", encourages me and supports me. Having someone that understands all that I do in my counselling and can be there for me when I am going through tough times without judgment..  and now I realise we've been in these roles, does that mean none of it was real?

She told me that I was really in touch with the fear and the abandonment and the loss of hope and things like that. I agreed. It felt huge.

Here is another sentence that hurt to read: I know logically it isn't just my fault. It is both of our issues that have allowed for it to happen and I know that I am working on myself in counselling so I am doing the best I can do, but I do feel extremely worried and upset right now that maybe now we've realised, it can't ever be hidden again. I can't bear to think that we might not be "real".




I managed to read the whole email, I was extremely glad to have got to the end of it and then we discussed it.  She told me that its very painful when we realise things in therapy that we've always done - that we couldn't see. She said that it is a good thing, but we have to get through the pain of the realisation first. I told her that I learnt this relationship triangle stuff a year ago but I was too scared to show the article to my boyfriend, in case he left me. She explained that our defences are so strong at first that you won't be able to really "see" yourself in things until you are ready to.  She said that me and my boyfriend have repeated this pattern/cycle a few times since I've been seeing her, she said that it becomes quite disrespectful and that now I've really understood it, I will be able to notice when it is in play and stop it. She said that it can't change overnight and that it's a strong and powerful thing but it's a good thing. I told her that I felt like it meant I could no longer have any needs and she said it doesn't mean that at all - it's just about learning to share the roles between you more and being more adult in your own feelings - not expecting people to automatically know what to do, but to be able to tell each other how you are feeling, ask them for what you need and also if you can't get it, knowing that you will be okay and stuff like that - all a bit much to remember to write properly here right now.

I admitted to her that I felt scared - that it all felt hopeless - that I felt so guilty for everything - she told me that I shouldn't feel guilty, I didn't know what I was doing and also told me that we both played our parts in this, it wasn't more my fault than his. It was just that we were both getting our needs met in a maladaptive way which lead to cycles of resentment which played out in a persecutory way - I hope this makes sense, its hard to digest overnight I think.  She said that all was not lost if my boyfriend was happy to try and sort this out too and she also said that this often happens when one partner has therapy because they start to change and want to pull away from their "role" - mine having been "the victim" and his "the rescuer". She explained to me that he basically dealt with all of my needs instead of his own because he has learnt to disown his own needs... I felt sad for him.  She said that I would do because as you learn to get empathy for ourselves in therapy, we are able to have more for other people. 

We then spoke about my boyfriend's dad/family - we think we have understood why he doesn't like to express his own needs and feelings due to patterns in his dad and his grandparent's relationships. That was something I need to digest further and plan to speak to my boyfriend about. She repeated that she thinks therapy would really help him, I agreed but said I can't see him ever doing it.

I left feeling better although very tired. I actually missed my exit off the a-road on the way home so I must have been deep in thought or maybe a little dissociated or something... I got home, watch tele for 30 minutes and then we went to bed. I felt like my boyfriend was particularly quiet when I got home, he didn't really speak to me much... I wasn't sure whether I was being paranoid or whether perhaps I had picked up on his nervousness about what I might have dealt with /learnt in therapy. I had cried a lot and I think it was quite obvious from my face (it stays red and blotchy for hours) but he didn't say anything.  I remembered that I shouldn't be expecting him to mind-read so unless I had something I wanted to tell him or ask him for, I didn't need to think on it much more.  I am trying.

I went to sleep early and woke up this morning from a very odd dream.  I had gone travelling to Thailand. I was laying around with a group of people, feeling very happy. I was sitting next to a tall man.  For some reason I think his name was Graham but I'm not sure if I've just added that since I woke up LOL!! In the dream, me and Graham were chatting for hours and then I realised that maybe we were flirting with each other - we started to exchange smiles as if we knew we liked each other. We joked about the fact we were both wearing the same dressing-gown! pink ones.... his was only slightly different with some sort of logo or picture on the breast pocket.... we ended up kissing and later in the dream we slept together.  He was very tall (I am very small).  I remember feeling in the dream that I was so happy I had come travelling and said that I had been bored of my life work and my job and now I felt alive.  Suddenly something happened to the man and the sea swept him up - I thought he was dead.  I was crying.  I crawled along the floor to my room but I had splinters in my feet.  Later in the dream, I saw his body on a hospital trolley type thing. Later he came to find me, somehow he had survived!! I was so happy.

I can normally analyse my dreams quite well, but I haven't done that yet so I will do that soon.

Twink. 

[sanmagic7]

twink, you're a brave and wonderful soul!  congrats to you for doing the tough work.  what an accomplishment!  and you're therapist sounds beautiful, nudging you but allowing you your pace as well.  well done, both of you!

i believe those tears are cleansing tears, bringing out some of the poison of fear that you've been keeping inside, so i'm really glad you were able to release them.   acknowledging those fears is usually difficult and painful, but you did it.  you can  be very proud of yourself.  if it were my place, i'd be very proud of you, too.  wonderful work - no wonder that you were tired afterwards.  it is hard work to say the least!

what your t said about being in therapy, making those changes in ourselves that evolve into changes in the relationship is so true.  would it be possible for your bf to come to therapy with you, some couples counseling at least, to get this explained to him?  just a thought. 

you did good, sweetie, real good.  it was huge, indeed!

[Twinkletoes]

twink, you're a brave and wonderful soul!  congrats to you for doing the tough work.  what an accomplishment!  and you're therapist sounds beautiful, nudging you but allowing you your pace as well.  well done, both of you!

i believe those tears are cleansing tears, bringing out some of the poison of fear that you've been keeping inside, so i'm really glad you were able to release them.   acknowledging those fears is usually difficult and painful, but you did it.  you can  be very proud of yourself.  if it were my place, i'd be very proud of you, too.  wonderful work - no wonder that you were tired afterwards.  it is hard work to say the least!

what your t said about being in therapy, making those changes in ourselves that evolve into changes in the relationship is so true.  would it be possible for your bf to come to therapy with you, some couples counseling at least, to get this explained to him?  just a thought. 

you did good, sweetie, real good.  it was huge, indeed!

Wow what an amazing message to read. Thank you so, so much sanmagic, you don't know how lovely that message was to read.... it IS tough work and I do feel proud actually, you're right - thank you for saying those things.  I love that you are "there" reading my rambling diary entries as a non-judgmental ear. Thank you.

Re couple's counselling, this was something I have thought about but he isn't "into" that stuff. I guess his defences are still too high. I try to remember that I have been in therapy for nearly 3 years and I can't expect everyone to feel the same as me, I know how slow the process has been for me, even this is a huge example of taking so long to really process despite learning and reading about it over a year ago!!

[Twinkletoes]

Thursday 9th Feb

Today is therapy day again. I like therapy days, they seem to feel different. I can't entirely work out what the feeling is, but it can change the feel of the day from "ugh, another day" to "oh, its T day, excellent"... isn't that strange. 

I thought I would write a quick entry and I thought I would ask myself, how am I feeling today? Then it struck me, that I find it pretty hard to answer that. I mean, if someone else asked me that, I'd just say I'm fine, thanks, or I'm good! but knowing I am writing in my own journal means I can be a bit more honest and think about the answer more and I realised how strange it is that I can't answer that quickly. I have no obvious feeling of sadness or anger or anything - so I guess I am happy... although I'm not hyperactive happy like I can sometimes be.. in fact that seems to have been happening less and less frequently lately. 

After my big session on Tuesday evening, me and my boyfriend had a pretty brief chat last night about things, I told him that I had cried a lot in my session on Tuesday and he seemed genuinely surprised. He asked why and I said the triangle stuff, realising I had been doing this and not realising, the fear that we weren't as happy as I thought we were - he got off his chair and came to cuddle me and I burst into tears again - something has REALLY got me with this stuff, hasn't it!?

He said that we may not be perfect but that we have a relationship that a lot of people would be envious of, I agreed with that but said I was so scared of the things we had done that weren't "healthy" or whatever.  He went into the kitchen to clean up after dinner and I sat at the table and cried again, quite hard. I could feel that I was only crying half as hard as I could have - that was a weird feeling.  I don't know a better of way of describing this, but it was like the depth of the tears were (could have been) soooo deep. 

My boyfriend promised that he would try to open up to me more about how he feels and I said that I felt like such a * when he admitted that when I ask him what he wants, he panics and doesn't tell me because he worries about what I will say or think. I said I hate that he thinks I'm that bad and that I felt so guilty for that. He said it wasn't that he thought I would "kick off" but more that he worried he wouldn't express himself clearly and then I would jump to conclusions and take it out of context and it would upset me.  I said that was a sign that I wasn't patient enough and that hopefully it would get easier now we've had this conversation and with practice.  He agreed and said he promised to try and open up more and relax about things that he worries about.  I told him that I'm not weak and unable to handle things and he said he knew that.  I said that we had to work on things so that if I was upset by something he told me about how he was feeling, that was MY problem to deal with and not his to own. 

Obviously Tuesday night's session and that conversation are emotionally tough so maybe that's why I don't feel hyperactively happy but I don't feel sad either... I just kinda "am"... maybe its even a good thing not to swing from high to low so much? I don't know.

Knowing I'll be back at T's at 1.30 is a good feeling - I don't really know what to expect. I guess she will want to talk about my tears the other night and my reaction to this stuff.. I wonder whether there are more tears yet to come or not? I also think she will ask me how I am feeling knowing that I only have 2 sessions before a week's break - and for the first time I think I am able to admit to her that I am not looking forward to it. I've been on a countdown of the date she's going away since she told me it at our first session back after Christmas.  I guess it unsteadies me because I have become so dependant on my sessions, on her and knowing that even with 2 sessions a week, I still have to reach out to her via email sometimes - I guess there is a panic that I won't be able to handle stuff without her there.  When she's on holiday, I NEVER email her. I do plan to be honest about this today if it comes up, but I am embarrassed about admitting it.  There has been so much shame and embarrassment this week hasn't there?!

Things occupying my mind at the moment are:

• The triangle stuff/stuff with me and my boyfriend
  My reaction on Tuesday and again last night - the crying and how deep it felt
  The shame I've felt this week in particular
  The therapy break coming up
  What my mum said at the weekend about men crying; and
  That dream about the man
  

x

[sanmagic7]

wow, twink, i'm so glad you and your bf had that talk.  it really sounded like it was hitting some of the basics of your relationship, and i think that the idea of 'practice' was right on the money.  i'm not surprised at the tears - again, i think it was a release of fears you've had around the relationship, because you got not only support but reassurance.  i guess we'll see where it goes from here.  like you said, he's had defenses up, so it may be difficult for him to evolve from the pattern the two of you have been practicing.  but, it sounds like a first step.

an idea popped into my head about couples counseling.  and, this is not to trick or manipulate him, but i do know that sometimes a person in therapy will invite their partner to therapy with them as a way to help them with some of these issues.  in your case, since your bf has put it out on the table that he'll try to tell you how he's feeling, a session or two together could give you both the chance to practice what that would be like, how that change would feel, how you might both react, or how to sidestep any potholes, with your therapist as a guide in case there's an issue.  something to think about, maybe bring it up with your t to talk about if it would be helpful in your relationship from her perspective. 

shame and embarrassment may have raised their heads, but i also think a lot of either/both have been dispelled by your actions, behaviors, and willingness to be vulnerable and take a chance to move forward through the fear.   you may not be feeling much of anything right now cuz you've been through a lot of different feelings in just a few days.  your emotional mind may just be reeling a little bit, trying to right itself.  it's been a lot, twink. 

as far as your break from your t, we will still be here for you if you need us.  i know it's not the same as an actual session, but you're not alone, you do have support here, and you can lean on us if you have to till your t returns.  keep taking care of you.  you're doing wonderfully!   big hug!

[Three Roses]

Your post made me feel happy for you. I even said "Awwww" out loud! I'm happy to hear he's invested in making it work for you two. Big hug to you both!

[Twinkletoes]

Okay so her words are running through my head today over and over again. Sometimes she says something and it's like she is shouting it at me really trying very hard to make me pay attention, to sit up and understand what she is saying (not literally).  I don't know whether it is that she really does say it in a different way, or perhaps that she repeats it enough times that I finally listen or whether sometimes something in me realises somewhere along the line, this is important, Twink, listen up.

Yesterday's words that are having this effect on me were "your needs and feelings are not too much.  You just attract people who cannot handle feelings.  It isn't your feelings – it feels like it is, because everyone around you is the same so you blame yourself, but it isn't you". Or words to that affect anyway, I can't remember the exact words but I remember playing it back to myself at the time thinking "she is saying that it feels like EVERYONE in the world thinks my feelings are too much, only because I've attracted those people around me.... so that's all I know"...

Repetition compulsion at play again I guess.

So, do I believe her? I guess the adult part of me has sat up and thought about this and understood that she is a very clever, knowledgeable lady and what's more, she is a therapist.  It is her job to point things out to me, make me understand and believe them and not lie to me. Yet I guess there is a part of me that still thinks she is just trying to be nice to me and say nice things, whether they are actually true or not.

When I've sent her an email in a dark place, I send it off to her and I don't hold back. It could be full of desperation, loneliness, sadness, anger, fear – any of those things.  All I care about is getting it out of me, making some sense of it and sending it to her "to hold" because she is the only person in the world who could possibly understand what I mean.  Sometimes I worry that my emails have little emotional effect on her and that she reads them like reading a story about a stranger in a magazine, skimming to the important bits just enough to be able to tell me that she has read it and the other half of me thinks that is entirely unfair because she is clearly invested in me and has known me for nearly 3 years, enough to care about me when I'm in pain.. surely?  Anyway, I send her the email, I eventually calm down and return to a bit more of an adult way of feeling and then I'm whacked by this great big shame storm for having been so needy, so desperate, so pathetic. I hate that I've sent it to her and I hate that she has read it and worry she will think "Jesus Christ, will you stop!!".  Obviously she hasn't ever given me any reason for feeling this, although when I emailed her last Tuesday to tell her that I was not looking forward to coming because I really felt so ashamed for having sent such a desperate email a few days before, she didn't reply and that really didn't help contain me when I was already feeling extremely anxious.

She said that she thinks I get this shame attack because I've had it drummed into me that my needs are bad and that my feelings can't be handled. My mum couldn't handle my needs or feelings and made that very clear to me over the years. She said that is why I find it so hard to really bring the feelings into therapy and why I've found it so hard to cry with her because I am so worried I will be too much. Makes sense....

Another thing we spoke about was that when you are a child, you have to keep your parent good – you can't allow yourself to "see" the bad stuff about them.  So you push away anything that doesn't fit with the image you hold of them, the one you want to hold for them.  You idealise them. She also explained to me that in a relationship, at the beginning stages, you idealise your partner and you both project onto each other what you want the other person to be – a while later, maybe years, that projected image starts to fall and you are left with the real person.  She said that it is this stage that effectively makes or breaks a couple. Do you really/still like what you are left with or not?  She said that couples who get through this period are normally pretty set for life. 

I told her that I've been crying so much lately and she asked what the main feeling/fear was. I said I wasn't entirely sure and that it was hard to make any sense of. I thought a while and then I said that I think it's that feeling that "we" weren't really real. That what we've had wasn't as good as I thought it was and that I don't really know him at all.  It made me cry quiet, slow tears again.  She nodded and seemed to understand.  She told me that she thinks although I am starting to use her as the mother figure for transference issues, she thinks I've done a lot of it with My boyfriend.  She said that obviously she can't be there with me at home every day and that he is so she thinks I've maybe done a bit of this with him...

So today I'm trying to digest this... I'm only just now, 3 years in, realising that he isn't able to be emotionally open with me and he can't discuss his feelings, fears etc because of his own things... and I guess that is proving so unbearable for me because I have to "keep him good" like a child has to keep their mum good.  Now that I've had my eyes opened to the truth, that he isn't emotionally available to me, it is killing me because I NEED for him to be what I NEED him to be.. I don't know if this makes any sense but the words seem to be flying out as I process it.

I told her that after our last session, I had sent him an email telling him our theory about why he finds it so hard to be emotionally vulnerable with me and about our theory of why concerning his upbringing and his mum and dad's relationship etc – I told her his reaction which was mainly defensive although he agreed to one small point in it.  She said "you can't be his therapist, don't even try".  I said oh no, I'm not, I just want to help him so that it helps us! But she said "you can't change him".  I didn't like her saying that because I don't want to be someone who is accused of wanting to change someone they love.  I guess I was feeling instantly defensive.  Am I trying to change him? I guess I am, but not because I don't think he is lovely as he is, and not because I don't love him – just because I want so much for our relationship to blossom into a healthy, authentic and equal one and that him being more in touch with his emotions is something that we need to happen... still, I guess the words have stayed with me because she is right. It isn't for me to try and get him to do that – I just want to encourage him to because I guess I worry what the alternative is... if he doesn't ever open up to me and learn to confide in me, will our love stagnate because I will change due to all this therapy and I will one day realise we are incompatible because of it?

I have been so busy playing my part of this relationship triangle business and enjoying the "benefits" of being the victim – getting all the comfort, support, love, advice etc that I hadn't sat up and looked at things in a clear light.  Now I can see that I've attracted a (wonderfully) imperfect man, its scared me.  All I want to be able to do is accept that he is imperfect as we all are, and be able to still feel the love I feel for him.  I hope that is possible more than I can write.  All my previous relationships have been with emotionally unavailable men, and I've spent the last 3 years telling her that he is so different – which is is don't get me wrong!!!! But on this level, they were somewhat the same. That is a hard thing to discover. I had totally idealised him as my perfect saviour – my hero. 

As I write this, I feel totally consumed with my love for him. I can picture his face smiling at me and it makes me feel so happy inside. I truly love him, I hope whatever is next in my therapy teaches me to be able to tolerate any pain I feel which is really aimed at my mother and my loss of what she couldn't give me so that I can keep me and him safe whatever issues we may have to confront together.

Perhaps one day he will agree to some couples counselling – but I can't see it right now.   

[sanmagic7]

such huge realizations, twink.  the ideal/real dynamic of a relationship, whether it's the one you had with your parents, or with your bf.  the clarity with which you're seeing yourself in regard to those relationships.   being able to separate how you were compared to how you are now. 

if you're feeling confused at all by any of this, i think that's totally normal.  you're in transition by learning all these things.  they're biggies.  keep going slow, don't push, let the transition flow at its own pace.  you'll get to where you want to be at just the right time. 

i think you're doing great, twink.  keep up the good work.  standing right beside you.

[Twinkletoes]

Oh thank you!! As always. Your support never falters! I feel like you're becoming my OOTS mum haha!! X

[sanmagic7]

lol!!!   

[Twinkletoes]

It's Saturday 11th February and its 2pm. My boyfriend has taken the kids out for a bit and so I have some rare quiet time, well quiet except from the washing machine that is broken and so is spinning so loudly I am sure the whole road can hear it!!

I don't often get a chance to write at the weekend so I thought I would make the most of it whilst I can.  I feel quite happy today. I feel very comforted by little things around me.  Silly things really, I'm drinking tea out of a mug I brought myself a few months ago which I thought was pretty, I have just cleaned the house and so it smells and looks nice, I've been playing my music and I've always loved that.  I finished one of my new books last night and it was fantastic and now I get to start one of my other new books - there is nothing nicer than the first page of a brand new book is there, I even love the smell! Bit weird aren't I? ha.

I've thought about my therapy a lot today, well a lot most days if I'm honest - and so obviously in turn I've thought about my therapist.  I was wondering whilst cleaning, what would life be like without that and her in it? I can't really imagine it, is that strange?

Going to therapy gives me some kind of structure I guess.  I look forward to my sessions in the week (I go twice a week).  I like the journey despite how bloody hard it is sometimes - I like knowing I am improving myself, my life, my chances of my future.  I guess I feel that it makes me more contained and more aware or something... I'm  not entirely sure what the feeling is. 

Having her there in my life has been a wonderful strange experience.  I spent a long time, over 2 years I think, being pretty highly defended that she wasn't that important to me - she was a professional who was pleasant and knowledgeable, but not important to me, no.  In the last few months I have accepted on a conscious level that actually she is extremely important to me.  Isn't it scary to admit that?  Admitting someone is very important to you, to your life leaves you feeling vulnerable to be hurt doesn't it.  I guess that is why I spent so long not acknowledging that attachment to myself. She has never given me any reason to doubt her but the whole paying for her time thing is still in my head I guess. At the end of the day, if I didn't pay her, she wouldn't be there for me - end of.  The adult part of me can talk this part down mostly, in that I pay for her time so she can be doing this with me and not out there doing something else, but her care and thoughts etc are free - those were her words.  Anyway, she is important to me now and I can admit and acknowledge a real connection when I see her. I can feel a very obvious change in me when I leave her on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I am starting to be able to admit to feelings of missing her sometimes.  I don't know if it's "her" that I miss, but certainly that connection with someone who understands you more than anyone else really can.  I know my boyfriend might know me better in terms of my quirks or my habits or even my day to day stuff, but she"gets" me on a whole other level - she understands the fears I have of being abandoned, of being seen and rejected - all that stuff. 

She knows it better than me, isn't that weird?!

I am so glad I took myself into therapy 3 years ago. It is the hardest, most life-shaking, wonderful thing I've ever done and for once in my life I can admit to myself that I am PROUD of myself for embarking on this journey.  I've never felt proud of myself before.

If we manage to maintain this relationship, me and her - it may possibly change my whole life.  It might bring me an "earned secure attachment" - I might see the world differently, see myself differently.  Isn't that huge? No pressure on her part hey!! I am learning to be vulnerable and I am learning to trust.  Mostly, I am learning to feel. 

Life feels like it is at a real turning point for me at the moment and I think I feel quite emotional about it today - in a good way. Good emotional.  I want a word to summarise that feeling and I can think of is "embracing".  I am embracing the changes right now. 

Twink x

[sanmagic7]

hey, twink, it already sounds like your whole life is changing.  being able to admit the importance of someone in your life, allowing yourself to rely on her, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, getting out of denial of what she means to you, what the relationship means to you, being able to feel proud of yourself for the first time - wow!  i'd say those are life-changing, each and every one of them.  and kudos to you for putting yourself in such a situation that would allow and encourage all these wonderful things to happen.

embrace is such a great word, such a beautiful concept.  to be embraced rather than held, to embrace a feeling rather than simply acknowledging it, to embrace your life and all that means rather than just going through the living of it.  huge, in my opinion.  i love the word and the concept it embraces!

i love to read, too, and i'm with you on the opening a book to the first page, beginning a new adventure of the mind and imagination.  do you know there are candles that smell like books?  i've seen them online, so, no, i don't think you're weird.  it seems that there are lots of people who love that smell as well.

i don't think it's strange that you can't imagine your life without your therapist right now.  you're in the midst of an exploration trip with her.  she's like the guide, and, yeah, she should know the terrain better than you.  that's why we hire guides, for their expertise.   who knows what the future holds, but for now i'm really glad she's there with you, helping you find your way down the river and through the forest, giving you the help and support you need to traverse the trail while giving you the tips and tricks you need to learn to become more independent in doing it.

i'm so glad you had some time for yourself this weekend.  enjoy your time, your house, your tea in your pretty mug, and most of all, enjoy yourself enjoying all these things.  big hug to you dear twink.

[Twinkletoes]

Driving to my session last night I realised that I didn't want to be driving. I didn't want to be in control of the car and I felt like I wasn't "there" enough.  Something felt wrong and I felt nervous to be driving. Part of me wished I hadn't passed my test last September.  This was a bit of a strange feeling for me to have because since passing my test, I've really enjoyed driving and have recently got very confident.  That was a sign for me that I've had before... something was going on in my body.  When I arrived, I was relieved I had got there okay. My body physically deflated and I realised I had been holding a lot of tension in my shoulders.

My therapist opened the session as normal, "How's Twinkletoes" and I said my usual response – "Yeah, I'm fine..".  She always repeats this and laughs – not in a cruel way but it's always enough to make me try to elaborate or say something else.  "I'm fine really is a non-committal statement isn't it?".  I told her how I felt on the drive over and that I've noticed it before – she said perhaps I was nervous about coming and I said I didn't feel nervous, but it has happened a few times and it feels like I can't concentrate – like my head is foggy..

I also told her that I had my yearly appraisal at work during the day and she asked how it went. I said that it was okay, I pulled a bit of a "sulky" face and said that they had told me they thought I had become a bit complacent and that they thought I could do more.  They told me that I never left my comfort zone and they wanted me to try some new things and take on some new responsibility. I told her that when they spoke to me about this stuff, I had burst into tears and was shocked by that – it had left me feeling a bit sad all day. 

T asked me what it was that had made me cry.  I said I wasn't really sure, but that it was true what they had said and for some reason it had provoked that response from me so suddenly I didn't have time to think about it! She told me that she thought perhaps I had realised quite how much my childhood/the trauma etc had such an effect on me. How it/my mother has held me back in life and how I could have had a different life.  She asked whether I felt the sadness of that.  I said I wasn't sure. I said I just feel bored in life in regards to my job. I don't have any passion for it, it is mind-numbingly boring at the best of times and I've wanted to do something else for many years, but I never do.  She asked me why and I said I wasn't sure but I was scared to look stupid.  We discussed where this thought came from and I said I don't know. We then spoke in detail about how it is my mother's internalised voice – not my own and that it's the "inner critic" and I should try and fight against it and not believe it. 

I told her that although this may be the case, it feels like my voice and I do really believe the things it says – it isn't like I am aware they aren't my thoughts.  She tried to explain to me that they are my thoughts, but only because of her.  Because I didn't have the kind, encouraging, supportive words I should have done. 

We went on to discuss different career options, college, university courses and various things – I felt like I had a reason none of them could work.  She said sometimes it's scary to think that everything could change and I cried again.  I said my boss had told me that everything in my life was comfortable and that I should try and change things up a bit – she understood that maybe it looks that way to him, but in therapy, everything is changing.  She said perhaps I needed that anchor of something staying the same whilst I dealt with this stuff and I agreed although said I felt this was also a bit of an excuse on my part. I know I would be much happier if I felt excited and challenged by a new job.  I told her that I used to love learning. I love reading, I love writing – I like highlighting things and the feeling you get when you really understand something you've just learnt, how it opens your mind up to wanting to learn more and more and more..... she told me to try and stay with thoughts like that. 

I told her that being called "Saffy" and a "boffin" when I was young doesn't help and she told me off for saying them things and didn't laugh with me at all. I felt embarrassed and like I'd been told off my a teacher or parent.  Naughty Twink!

After a while, conversation moved on and eventually she brought up the therapy break next week.  Despite what she thinks, she hasn't asked me how I feel about it. I have been waiting for her to ask me and I've been equally dreading and wishing she would – very conflicting I know. She still didn't ask but she didn't need to as she started to speak about how the breaks generally can be tough, I began crying again. I felt very embarrassed.  She said that she could see I was upset and that she really did understand etc – luckily I didn't need to say much. She reiterated like last week that I can email/text her and ask if "she is there" and that she would reply to tell me she is, but I am struggling to see how that will help me right now.  I don't need to know she is "there" – when "there" just means somewhere in the world. When I feel those needy feelings for her, it's because I need to see her, be with her, feel the connection and cry to her – or whatever it is... even so, I do appreciate the reason behind her saying it.

But then she made a joke.... "I will wait a few weeks before giving you my Easter dates" *laughs* 

..... ..... Child me is not happy about that joke. It felt very insensitive when I was sat there with tears running down my face regarding the therapy break. However, of course, I laughed along.....   

[sanmagic7]

well, twink, color me 'out of it' but i didn't understand her joke at the end, and i also didn't understand your words 'boffin' and 'saffy'.    so, i missed something here.  not your fault, just that i don't know what they all meant.  it happens with my hub a lot - he'll say things that he expects me to understand, and i just don't get it, for whatever reason.  i don't know.

as far as the rest of it goes, do you think you've become complacent at your job?  do you want to stir things up a little for yourself, maybe that would make it more enjoyable?  do you want a different job?  is there something going on in the back of your mind that you can't quite reach yet about working/doing something different?  i'm not looking for answers, just some questions that popped into my brain.

i know this break with your t is wreaking havoc with your emotions lately.   sometimes, when i have something to do that i'm not looking forward to, i picture myself having it all over with and my life being back to 'normal'.   for some reason it helps me to be able to picture the situation being over and done.  it's going to be uncomfortable, emotional, and maybe knock you off track for the time she's gone, but being the fighter you are, i also know that you'll get through it and come out the other side all right. 

hang tough, twink - hangin' right beside you. 

[Twinkletoes]

Hey!

Her "joke" was meant like - I won't tell you the next set of dates that I'm going to be away then!!  - because I was crying....

Sorry, so Boffin is a derogatory term that means geek - someone who likes learning/is always reading etc.  "Saffy" - was a character in a programme in the UK in the 90s called "Absolutely Fabulous" and "Saffy" is the daughter of a Narcissist (like me) who was the opposite of her mother. She was more serious and more organised and sensible - whereas her mother liked to go out clubbing and drinking and stay up late, that sort of thing. Role-reversal between the mother and daughter and that is exactly why my mother used to call me "Saffy" when I was being, in her eyes, boring.

Re the job. Yes, I would like to stir things up for myself. I would like to find something different but I don't know what. I've done this job for ten years now and I have no other qualifications.  I agree that I stay inside my comfort zones for sure - I admitted that - I think that I cried because the truth hurt.

Reasons I haven't looked for another job - fear for sure. The worry I will be bad at it, look stupid - be laughed at - wish I had never left, that kind of stuff.

Thank you for that idea, I will certainly try it. I will write a lot - I always write a lot but particularly in the break, it seems to help somehow.

Thanks as always Sanmagic7!! sending you hugs xx