Spirituality

[cheesy1234]

I've been wondering about having a spiritual life.

I'm at this point in my life where I am visualizing my values, attitudes and morals for me for the first time. I am rediscovering myself as a person with boundaries and values. I wasn't really given an opportunity in my life to experience much of a "me" in my FOO as it was highly dysfunctional, emotionally abusive and more. In therapy, I recently discovered I have PTSD from recent events due to living with my parents and my relationship with my brother. I just have so many issues to deal with. I have highs and lows. I intentionally self isolate. I've been betrayed my FOO and an ex friend. I put people at arms length as I do not want to be hurt again. I feel like it will be awhile until I have my self figured out. The healing journey is painful.

At the same time, this journey can be quite lonely. I don't know who to trust as I have almost no trust in authority figures except maybe one of my current bosses. I don't want to be controlled and nor do I want to be manipulated to believe in a certain way. I want to have a grasp of what I value so I can measure it up against the church to see if I like it or not. I don't know if I can ever have a spiritual life as sometimes I can't even trust my self or my own judgement. People are just scary to me right now.

I'd like to have a relationship with God but it's hard when I put God on the same pedestal as regular people. How do you recommend I could build a spiritual life when I have all these factors to live with? Any steps, podcast, books, or articles that I could look at to help me make these kind of judgments?

Thanks for reading.

[Three Roses]

The spiritual aspect of my life is what gets me through the darker days. I find strength and utter peace there.

You could always ask God to reveal himself or herself to you. Why be satisfied with a middle man's interpretation? Go to the source and ask for an introduction.

Think of the friendliest, most loving person you know - then imagine they're 1000 times more friendly and loving - then you're just beginning to understand God as I see him. Or her.

[sanmagic7]

spirituality is so far beyond the bounds of a church or religion, and it is just that personal.  i like what 3 roses said about going to the source.   good idea.  possibly writing what you think of when you want to envision a spiritual being/higher power, whatever works for you may help clarify some of it for you.   you can ask for guidance there, too.  as long as you want some spirituality in your life, i believe it will be there and you will eventually recognize it.  and you'll smile.

[woodsgnome]

Cheesy1234 noted that "I've been wondering about having a spiritual life." Per my experience, finding a spirituality that speaks to one's heart can feel like being on a rickety swing bridge while crossing a deep canyon.

Speaking for myself, I regard all of life--its ups/downs/ins/outs as spiritual, and one cannot not be spiritual; it's not a category but is life. Some native North American tribes don't even have anything equivalent to the word 'spirituality' in their language, yet are often regarded as highly so when it comes to how they choose to live. This is far from universal, but I hope it helps explain where I'm coming from.

I don't attend or belong to any church, but many people--my own therapist included--regard me as highly spiritual, which to me isn't as important as it seems to be for others; which is just fine. I have a lifelong antipathy towards organized religion, for sure--as a large chunk of my abusive youth was spent in the clutches of angry, awful people within a church/school I attended for 12 years. The experience, while brutal, has guided my subsequent pursuits in that regard--upping my hypocrite bs detector en route to building my own take on those philosophies called spiritual/religious.

Much of my early 'recovery' (by no means complete) was reactionary to the multiple abuses...I was and still am highly skeptical of any and all religious/spiritual systems, especially the cult-like manipulators resembling those I escaped from.

Much of this, though, is highly individualistic, and it's hard to pinpoint a best way to deal with the multitude of options. Many of Alan Watts' books are good, but I think an even better starting point is the more recent book by Thomas Moore--The Soul's Religion: Cultivating a Profoundly Spiritual Way of Life. There's also some excellent takes on the spiritual/religious intersect via the writings of Richard Rohr, a Franciscan monk who provides cogent commentary on his website and in his books. There's so many approaches, ranging across all the world's cultures, but those are 3 I'm partial to.

Lastly, in this forum you might want to explore the responses to 'Religious and Spiritual Abuse', one of the subcategories in the section 'Causes of CPTSD'.

I hope you find some equilibrium regarding this. Staying open and curious, you're likely to find an approach that works for you. Spirituality isn't to be found out there, but in your heart.   

[cheesy1234]

Thanks everyone.