Not sure what to do possible trigger warning

[NBD]

I don't know what to do and have no one to turn to for help but google led me here so I hope I am in the right place and that my post here is ok

My life has been * and just keeps getting worse. I have a long history of abuse. I have complex ptsd and depersonalization-derealization disorder. Last year I was badly hurt, the person I trusted and told took advantage of me, assaulted me and then stalked me for close to a year. Last week I was harrassed by a stranger, thankfully a passerby intervened. The next day I had to go for a colposcopy and then I snapped. I fell right apart and I am having a hard time coping, I am so depressed I can barely function. I am scared and jumpy and can't even sleep.

So today I went to the emergency department of a local psych hospital for help because I don't have a doctor and I am barely able to function. I need help. I have gone there before, I went last year and they were awesome, they talked to me and gave me 3 months worth of prozac which helped a lot  but they apparently changed their policies from a respectful one to a harmful one.
I went into the waiting area and the door locked behind me and I got scared. Then they told me they needed to search me! and take away some of my clothing and all of my belongings! I started panicking. I asked why and they said it was policy. I asked if I could keep my crochet stuff as it keeps me grounded when dealing with difficult situations and my therapist suggested I use crochet to cope and they said no but offered me pencil crayons instead. I told the doctor that was ridiculous and she agreed but said it was policy. I asked if I could wait just outside the locked room and they said no. I asked why and they said policy. Then some nurse comes and is standing over me with some big black paddle type thing apparently it's a metal detector. I felt threatened and trapped. I asked them to let me out. They instead tried to convince me to stay. I was growing frantic. I told them to let me out and they again ignored me and tried to convince me to stay. I said no! They kept ignoring my needs while trying to coerce me into submitting to their ridiculous demands and suddenly they were no different then all the men who have harmed me. I was so upset I demanded they let me out and after 10 minutes of me begging to be let out they unlocked the door and I ran outside and fell apart.

All I wanted was help but I couldn't get it because I couldn't deal with what they expected me to deal with and I got so scared that I no longer trust them and never will. I don't know, maybe I am ridiculous? But I don't think I am. I don't think them making help conditional upon my submission and me disregarding my own needs and emotional safety is fair or just. it was too much and I think doctors should know better, they should know how to not harm people.

I am so upset.

[Three Roses]

hello and welcome, nbd. how bizarre of them!! they should at least have let you leave, imo, if you didnt want to be searched etc

our community is a good place for people with questions to come and dig around, and hopefully find the answers they're looking for. there is so much information here that i'm afraid of overwhelming you so instead i will just say, you are welcome here, and we try our best to keep this a safe place, where we can all share without fear.

i was so relieved when i found this community - finally, a group of people that could relate to my struggles, and i to theirs! it felt so good. i hope you find the same welcoming feeling here. thanks for joining!

[mourningdove]

Hi NBD,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve to be retraumatized by the Kafkaesque hospital staff. I'm glad you got away.

There is nothing ridiculous about what you wrote. Those psychiatric dimwits are ridiculous. You deserve for your boundaries to be respected. I don't know if it helps to know this, but what you experienced is very common. It's not just you.

I'm glad you are here and I hope that this site will be a good resource for you.

[NBD]

They should have. I was there about 10 months ago and it was the same doctor. Last time I was not required to remain in a locked room or surrender my clothes and belongings or be searched or any of this nonsense. Last time this very same doctor told me repeatedly how important it was for me to have a say in my care and be able to set boundaries and have them respected but today she kept trying to violate them.  It wasn't ok.

Anyways I called the hospital and put in a complaint. The man I spoke with told me about their new policies but agreed that there needs to be some flexibility and understanding of patient needs and he said he was very sorry that I wasn't able to get help. He said he will speak with the director of the er and call me back tomorrow.

I am still upset and I have no idea how or where to get help.

Thank you

[meursault]

I'm sorry for your terrible experience!  They just seem to be able to "get it"...  makes me mad.  You must have been dealing with so much, what with them on top of everything else!

Meursault

[Dee]

NBD,

I think I understand what happened and why, but it doesn't make it easier.  They took away the yarn so you couldn't hang yourself.  They also searched you to make sure you have nothing that is a threat to your or them.  They really, really should of explained this to you and been gentle.  When you said they took some of your clothing, my guess is it was your bra (again you can hang yourself).  I am sure they locked the door so you couldn't leave before they determined if you were a threat to yourself.  I recently had an ER visit, my things taken away, but I understood why.  While I wasn't locked in a room they took my purse, credit cards, and car keys.  This was to prevent me from leaving until they could determine what the risk was.  I was also assigned a sitter who watched my every move.  I even had company when I had to go to the bathroom. 

I think you will find a sense of different but same here.  We all have our unique experiences, some more similar than others.  While our experiences are not different much of our struggles are the same.  I find this forum a place where I am support, understood, and cared about.  I hope you find the same.

[NBD]

Thanks Dee.

Up until recently they would only treat you like a prisoner if you were on a form, brought in by police or made any mention of harm to self or others but the man I spoke with from the complaints department said they changed their policy and now everyone regardless of why they are there is treated that way until they are discharged or sign out.

They had already asked me why I was there and they knew I was not a harm to myself or others. I went because I had been triggered multiple times one right after the other and I am struggling to cope. Come 6pm once the sun has gone down I am so anxious it is unreal. All evening and all night every day since last Thursday and my heart beats so fast I feel like i'm going to pass out, I jump at every single sight and sound, a piece of dust becomes a threat, the sound of my own breathing makes me think someone is in my apartment. I am scared and I don't feel safe so I spend most the nights in my bathroom with my phone a knife just in case because it's the only room in my apartment with a locked door and no windows. And during the day I am exhausted and can't function. I have tried using grounding techniques and doing other self care things that usually work but nothing. I have not been this bad in years and I am really scared because I don't know what's happening to me. They knew that was why I was there but they didn't care because their new policy apparently trumps patient safety.

And my therapist is on vacation, thank you xmas

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're going thru this! How terrifying it must feel. Hopefully your therapist will be available to you soon. In the meanwhile, rest assured you can stay here with us and we will stand with you, to support and encourage you.

[Dee]

Yes, nights suck.  I hate it when the sun goes down and it becomes nighttime.  I just cannot wait for the sun to come up.  Summer is so much easier for me and I hate winter.  I look up the day of winter solstice and count down.  It provides a small sense of relief that the days will get longer.

Honestly, I have made my own bedroom a place of fear.  Between nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and my own behavior I have come to hate my own room.  I use to sleep on the couch but now my kids are older it isn't really an option.