no motivation, lost my dietitian - venting about a lot - triggers

Started by Dee, December 27, 2016, 03:17:32 AM

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Dee


My dietitian left for another job (great job) in another state.  It was faster than she wanted and I feel lost.  They did an emergency referral to a dietitian outside my medical center.  It will take time, till then, who cares?  I had the idea of checking in for a blind weight and talk to an RN weekly about my meal plan.  Yet, I don't seem to care.  I have not wrote one day of my meal plan, because no one is looking or gets it.

I don't blame my dietitian.  She is young and this is an awesome opportunity for her.  I'm glad she is moving forward, that is what it is about.  Yet, there is no backup.  The team I had was put together for me and she came to me in addition to her regular job.  I know the only reason why I follow any meal plan at all is because of accountability. 

I am just coming out of a huge anorexia relapse and I have been slowly getting it back together.  Really, one more thing in December.  My parents came, my daughter (who worked hard) lost her scholarship, now my dietitian has left.  Why does this stuff keep happening, really?  Is it just me or is it like I am targeted?  Am I crazy to think this is a lot for anyone to handle?

Let me just recap the last few months.  I had my great nephew (who was abused) stay with me (gone now).  I was stalked.  I overdosed on Percocet, my sister and I had a huge fight about my parenting skills, my parents (and abuser) had a surprise visit, my daughter lost her scholarship and is moving schools (and leaving home), and now my dietitian is leaving.  Don't forget divorced in June.

I know people with trauma tend to live in crisis.  Yet, this seems external.  Is it external?  I did have trouble with boundaries which led to stalking....but the rest.  I guess boundaries too for my parents, that was a huge trigger.  Is it 2017 yet?

Thanks for the rant.  At least I got my service dog.  That was a huge plus.  Also, antidepressants seem to work, I think they keep me alive.  But seriously, what if they didn't work?

Tuesday I went to the ER at my small medical center.  I have never done that before.  I just knew that I needed supervision for a few hours.  I think Gizmo helped interrupt me enough to know I needed more.

Three Roses

I'm so sorry you lost such a vital member of your team. No, that has nothing to do with anything you did. Can you find a replacement person for the meantime? How did she hold you accountable?

Sweet Gizmo, I'm so glad the two of you have each other! :)

Dee


The only thing we have came up with is an RN.  When I go see my therapist I am suppose to ask for her (psychiatric RN) who volunteered to do it.  Then I am suppose to do a blind weight (stand on the scale backwards) and discuss my meal plan.  I saw my dietitian every week to two weeks and did that.  My dietitian would help me set goals and go over what went right and wrong.  She would make sure my portions are right.  She also gave me homework assignments such as my letter to diet coke and my letter to my eating disorder.  She had knowledge.  I guess this is an good interim fix.  But the RN won't know the warning signs or my background.  Basically, it is going through the motions, like someone sitting in for your therapist.  Yet the weight will be seen by my psychiatrist and therapist.  They will know if I drop badly, I am still not at maintenance.  I was close, but then all the stressors hit.  I'm tired these days.  As always, it just is, and I'll keep going.

radical

It is external, unfair and big.  These things individually would be hard for someone not suffering the effects of severe trauma.  Remember what a "family visit" means, how ill it made you.

Now your daughter is leaving home and one of  the key medical personnel caring for you is leaving and not to be replaced.  And trust is so hard.  On top of that being stalked by a crazy with a gun, divorce, major conflict with your only close family member, struggling to deal with an abused child in your family.  I'm sorry your life is so hard.  I know how it feels to be hanging on by a thread and assailed by things that would make a well person stressed-out, and one after another, no real respite.  And it's Christmas which is just the icing on the bloody cake.

I know they say traumatised people live in crisis and it is victim-blaming - we don't go out asking for trouble.  Dissociation, huge lack of confidence, constant illness, lacking the internal alarms that tell us to keep away when danger that would be apparent to others is signaled along with abuse amnesia, depression, isolation, pain, loneliness, absence of a solid family and social support systems, EFs, anxiety,....and  that's just for starters, add in financial, social identity and status, and employment problems, and also discrimination, the omnipresence of vicitmising users who look out for vulnerable people to abuse.....

We have to be strong to survive and you have shown yourself to be incredibly strong.  It doesn't make any of this easy or less painful.

I read an article written by a Guardian journalist (I'm guessing not also suffering cPTSD) comparing her experiences of breast cancer and of depression.  With cancer people rallied, offered emotional support and practical help, when she had depression people avoided her, didn't help, passed judgement.  She pointed out that the cancer and treatment didn't cause anywhere near as much pain and incapacity as clinical depression, yet with the socially acceptable, but much easier illness she found people responded with love and kindness, when she was severely depressed, there was no such compassion even though it would have made more difference to her then.

Take care, you have been through *.  I believe it will get better.
:hug:

Three Roses


Dee


Not yet with the holidays.  I did get approval to see a dietitian outside of my network.  Now they have to contact her and send over my paperwork plus make me an appointment.  I'm trying to be positive that this is a new person with fresh ideas and insight.  The nice thing is, this dietitian works with eating disorders.  That is it, it is all she does.  My last one had worked at an inpatient facility previously, but I was her only eating disorder client.  So maybe some good can come out of this.  I did really like how my providers communicated and were really a team.  I don't know how it will work, but I'll find out.

I see the RN next week if I am not set up with the new dietitian yet.