Shame and Depression

[BrokenDollMagnet]

Yesterday, I asked my romantic partner if he would like to have sex. He happily accepted, and said, "I would love to. Could we cuddle for a little while first and watch a TV episode first? I just got out of a very hot shower and I feel all noodly and weak."

It was a perfectly reasonable request, and I know that very long hot showers have that effect on him. But I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and sadness at his request. It pulled me back to how my sexual interests were the butt of jokes and cause of worry or scorn by my family and society in general. I hurt so much at the memories.

I agreed, and we cuddled, but when he asked if I would like him to prepare his bedroom for intimacy, I told him that I was feeling very fragile and depressed and that the mood had passed. He was very disappointed and apologized for his actions. I explained that he did nothing offensive and that I had been triggered and was experiencing flashbacks.

He held me as I cried and promised his love and support.

I deeply appreciate his kindness, and we discussed how we might avoid such a trigger while still allowing for delays or more pressing priorities.

It was a good moment of growth in our relationship. I am fortunate to be in a healthy relationship.

But I am very frustrated at the deeply embedded shame I still feel. My family if origin made me a black sheep and happily dumped on me. My having alternative sexual interests just further confirmed their scorn.

I am have been no contact with my FOO for about a year now, which has helped greatly. Even though our abuser is gone, the toxic pool still has no lifeguard. There's a seething resentment that permeates every moment together. It isn't healthy for me to see them.

And still, the shame haunts me. Such little things can trigger me to feel shame for my sexual preferences. This is ridiculous because my interests are not that abnormal, and my partner shares them. I am in a group of friends who all share those interests.

But the shame won't die. I remember being sent to the priest for confessions when my teachers found my doodles or stories. I remember my family turning to me when we were heading to an event and saying, "remember, this is a family event, don't try to sleaze it up." I never had done anything indecent and never even mentioned my interests during events like that, but they still felt a need to tell me that.

When I started dating, I met compatible people, and would take them home for the holidays to meet family. They would ask my partners if I was abusing them or if they needed help escaping.

I am not, nor have I ever been abusive. My family does not understand that I am a lifestyle sadistic dominatrix. The people I dated, if course, we're submissive masochists. Our relationships are not abusive and are very very careful and respectful. Enthusiastic consent is essential at every step, and there are 100s of people looking for Dommes than there are Dommes. But my family won't hear me out. I did my law school thesis on BDSM and the law a decade ago.  I am not an uneducated fan of the 50 Shades of Grey series. This is not a stage, and I love my local communities and friends who are very compassionate, open-minded, and often more extreme than I am. But none of that matters to my FOO. And I hate that this still bugs me.

I feel shamed and constantly await rejection from my loved ones. It overwhelms me so often.

I want to let go of the shame, but setbacks like this remind me that I still have a long way to go.

[Wife#2]

  Yes, it is sad that careless words by uninformed or under-informed family members can have such power.

As I've told my adult children and plan to tell my young son when age appropriate: Who you date and HOW you date them is entirely your business. Please respect yourself enough to be safe and sure of your partner (This was aimed at preventing STD's only).

I'm so sorry that you've had those memories steal joy from the here & now. It is careless ignorance like you suffered that keeps so many people secretive about their private affairs. Nobody wants to, or should be, judged by who or how they enjoy their bodies with - especially if there is mutual respect and BOTH people are enjoying the shared time.

[Three Roses]

You have every reason to avoid and reject your family's judgment (your phrase "the toxic pool still has no lifeguard" cracked me up). You have nothing to be ashamed of, and their efforts to shame you seem suspect to me. Of course you're not going to talk about your sexual interests at a family gathering! Would they??

Society and the overwhelmingly vanilla outlook of so many make those whose tastes are more raspberry ripple feel a shame that is misplaced. You are hurting no one. The shame should instead be felt by those who seek to humiliate and oppress others whose views are different than their own.

[MyselfOnline]

I remember the comedian Eddie Izzard doing a sketch in which God hands out the sexual positions to all the animals (dogs of course get 'doggy style,' cats are indignant because they get 'doggy style' too) and when God gets to humans he says, "Any way you like -- so long as there's guilt in there somewhere."

Sounds like your family are giving you their guilt. Is BDSM psychologically interwoven with shame? I find the practice fascinating, exciting in fantasy, but haven't explored.