3R's Path of Recovery

[sanmagic7]

hey, 3roses,

remember the story about the lion and the roar?  we hear the roar of the lion on one side of us and are scared, so we move to the other side to run away, and there lies the lioness, the true hunter, the real danger.  we ran from a lot of hot air into the teeth of what can actually harm us.

the roar sounds scary and every nerve and cell in our bodies wants to run away from it.   unfortunately, when we do,  that's when we put ourselves in harm's way.  that roar cannot hurt us, so walking toward it is what will eventually save us. 

uncovering the truth, opening the lid of the pressure cooker where your memories have been stored, carefully with your kind-heated t right beside you, not making you do it alone, helping you every step of the way and knowing you're supported by loving caring people who accept you just as you are no matter what comes out, no expectations on you to be perfect at all, ever - is that the lion or the roar?   

you have my heartfelt support no matter what you choose.  i love the ideas that have been put forth to help you through this decision.  you can go as slowly as you need to when walking toward the roar.  you can stop and take a few beats before continuing on if you like.  you can decide not to walk toward it, and it doesn't affect the love, caring, and acceptance coming your way.   you are brave and a beautiful soul no matter what you choose.  standing right beside you thru it all.  love and hugs from the earth mother spirit who wants only the best for you, who enfolds you as she gathers you in to give you strength, determination, courage, and grounding.   whatever you need, you'll have.

[Three Roses]

 

[Candid]

Love the story about the lion and the roar, sanmagic7.  So very, very true!

I suspect I've always run from the roar.  T gets warmer, I make a joke or change the subject.  I've never been consciously aware of it at the time so I'm not certain I've done it, but 35 years of therapists can't all have got me wrong. [ETA: I falsely accuse myself.  I listed my therapists overnight, and the majority contributed something of benefit.  In fact, the only two who ought to have been struck off (preferably struck by lightning) were psychiatrists not therapists.]

Enormous kudos to you, Three Roses, because I've watched you keep plugging on despite the fear. 

My trauma therapy assessment interview is *ulp* just over 24 hours away. 

you are brave and a beautiful soul ...

I second that.   

[Three Roses]

IMO we are all brave, beautiful souls

[sanmagic7]

i'll jump in on that

[Three Roses]

So...I quit therapy. My T bless his heart said I should write to the head of my hmo's mental health department and ask for trauma informed therapy to be implemented there. It's just not getting me anywhere, it's not bad or hurtful and its nice to talk I guess but I really feel like I need much more specialized care than gestalt. Altho gestalt is good its just not enough, I've had tons of talk therapy and the problem isn't in my attitude or anything that's voluntary...

[Blueberry]

Hey, it's great that your T took it well and even had a suggestion for you on getting trauma informed therapy.
Good on you for taking the initiative and deciding that OK isn't good enough.  That is good self-care. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I hope you will be able to get that trauma therapy soon, Three Roses. ^^
All the best.

[Candid]

Big step, TR.    I hope you and I can get the trauma-informed T we both need!

[Three Roses]

Not feeling very well these days. Now questioning my decision to suspend therapy. Spending most days in a highly triggered, agitated condition.

[Elphanigh]

I am sorry to hear that. I am sending lots of love and warm hugs your way. 

[Sceal]

Sending you loads of support and kind thoughts your way.

[woodsgnome]

There's an old saying about 'living the questions'. The perfectly right way is almost never immediately obvious, although it's the ideal that everyone longs for.

That said, and given that despite his lack of trauma work, you expressed some good vibes with him (or at least hinted at the benefit to having someone who listens to you), might you consider seeing him a bit longer, with the understanding you (and maybe he?) would continue to be fair-minded about your stated desires for a more trauma-oriented T? Or would that just be too awkward? And of course there's the dicey hmo stuff; like why aren't trauma-trained T's in their system as a given? Just seems odd.

Sorry if I seem impractical, but I tend to look for all options, even if unorthodox. Took me 10+ T's over 20 years to find a situation that finally feels like a good fit, so I know the frustration that can ruin everything.

I recall that you didn't leave him as a reaction to any perceived deliberate hurt on his part. Too glib for me to say you might explore returning, but just hoping so much for you to receive the best care available.

[sanmagic7]

my dear 3roses, to be highly agitated most of the time must feel awful.  lots of sympathy and hugs for you       

i thought that suggestion of wg's was pretty good.  would that be a possibility for you - to go back to your t for stabilization until you find a trauma-oriented t?  i realize you might feel embarrassed or some such, but from what you've written about him, i don't think he'd judge you in any sort of neg. way.  just some food for thought.

in the meantime, we're on the porch, warm blanket with your name on it, some soothing tea, your pets to surround you with their own brand of unconditional love.  you can chat or not, utilize your treehouse (such a brilliant idea) however it feels best.  sending you angel wings to embrace you and calm your nerves.  sometimes we don't know it's a mistake until we make it, and then it magically turns into an opportunity to learn and do something different.  isn't that what recovery is all about?

all my best to you, my dear.  you know i support whatever decision you make, whichever direction you choose.   i just hate seeing you hurting.   

[Three Roses]

Thanks for you suggestions, guys. I am considering getting in to see him again, or asking for a referral to a trauma-informed therapist; I think I'd also like a brain scan to check for damage.

My HMO doesn't distinguish between simple PTSD and CPTSD, but I'm hoping that will change someday soon.