3R's Path of Recovery

Started by Three Roses, December 22, 2016, 12:58:37 AM

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radical

Very happy it went okay.  It's hard and takes courage, and I know you have a lot of that, but courage doesn't make things easy.  I'm so glad that he has been receptive and insightful.
Hope you get/got a really good sleep.

Three Roses

Very slowly I've been opening up. I am trying to be present & authentic at each session. But - it's hard. I get uncomfortable when faced with real, honest intimacy of any kind.

I revealed to him today the shame and guilt I carry everywhere. How I feel like a worthless human being. I said this one other thing to him, and we discussed it a few minutes. He asked questions to clarify what I was saying. He then said something that shocked me - that very same thing I said, he has heard from recovering ex-gang members who lived in the worst, most violent areas. I was kinda speechless. I know I have a tendency to minimize what I've been thru - so many of us do - but that truly was a big surprise to me! And - weirdly validating.

This time, I have homework. I am to write a letter to a younger me. Then, wait a while and have the younger me answer it. This is getting interesting.

sanmagic7

#17
o, 3 roses, how powerful that must've been!  validating, indeed!  it makes it all seem real, doesn't it, that how you feel, what you've been battling hasn't just been in your head, but has happened in the worst of worst circumstances?  my heart and soul, dear friend.  no wonder you've been so afraid of all this!  your warrior spirit is shining through like a beacon in the long tunnel of darkness in which you've been trapped for so long.  very proud of you!

i've done letters like that before, and they are interesting as well as eye-opening in themselves.  good for you for having a go at all this.  truly an inspiration of courage and determination.  you go, girl!!!   big hug!

Blackbird

Good luck with those letters, I think it's a great idea. I might try it sometime.
:hug:

Three Roses

Dear 30 year old me;

This sounded like such an easy assignment - until I started trying to find something to say to you. I've tried writing, no luck, so I thought I'd come here and try.

You are broken, lost, and desolate on the inside and you don't even know it. You only catch glimpses here and there, and usually only when you're drinking. Your children bring you so much joy, and you're frantic to "get it right" for them. Ironically, that frantic feeling is causing you to make mistakes in your rush and resolve to do better by your children than your own parents did.

I know this is hard to talk about, and dredges up feelings that you think are better left smothered and buried. But like an infected wound that needs to be lanced, it's going to need to be opened up to heal properly.

Imperfection in any form causes you to panic. Imperfection draws attention, scrutiny, and then pain. And sadly, success draws attention, too. Scrutiny of your success could reveal the fact that you don't know what you're doing, you're an imposter (so you believe); this would be bound to bring more pain, rejection, and dangerous introspection. Deep down you know you are guessing at what "normal" looks like and trying your best to replicate it. And you're doing all this while running from the truth as fast and far as possible.

You are exhausted.

When I close my eyes and let myself be transported back in time, back to you, to standing in your skin and seeing through your eyes, I can feel that sense of loss and betrayal that you are diligent to hide from even yourself. Honey, it's true. You are not making up what you've been running from. You're not imagining it, or making a big deal out of nothing.

You try to embrace the conventional opinion to "not think about it" - "leave the past behind" - "don't let it bother you". You're riding your bike away from the hurt but you're coming to a steep hill, and you won't be able to keep up the pace.

The answer, instead, is to slow down and turn and face your history up to this point. You know this - but it fills you with dread to even think about it. It's pretty big stuff!

The things you think are character flaws are symptoms of the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse you've been through. You didn't have an emotionally healthy childhood, so how can you be emotionally healthy now? The answer is: You can't. Not until you look at it. Look at ALL of it.

Let's call it what it is. You were repeatedly assaulted, with violent cruelty. You were regularly handled with contempt.  The things you went through, if done today, would land your abusers in jail. If those things were done back then to another adult, your abusers would have gone to jail. That's how serious it was. You are not exaggerating.

So go easy on yourself. Take the time to learn who you want to be, not who you think you should be. Do what you love. Slow down, stop running. Walk at your own pace. Savor each little moment, and if someone criticizes you, tell them to take a flyin' leap! You are a beautiful, thoughtful, caring, loving person. Sure, you're not perfect, but you're not supposed to be! You're just supposed to be "good enough".

Love,
Yourself

Elphanigh

Three Roses, that was a beautiful letter. I am so glad you seemed to have success with it on here when it wasn't coming out on paper. I am proud of you for being persistent and trying/succeeding here.

I want to give hugs to both you and thirty year old you :bighug:

Three Roses



Three Roses

Today I feel defeated, lifeless, alone. Every attempt I make at reaching out leads to more exhaustion. I'm so ready to see my therapist again, in a few days.

It's so hard to be honest, tho, when I get there. How am I? Fine.

I'm drained and have no energy for the simplest of tasks.

Lingurine

I so get you Three Roses. The exhausting feeling of keeping it all inside and to guard the truth with your life. It's like you get stuck and can't move. I feel like that too. I think it takes a lot of energy to keep it inside, I think it wants to come out. I'm facing the same thing and want to bury it under a pile of blankets. Denial and fear. Maybe it's time to face the truth.

Let us stand by your side. Let's help each other, that's why we're here.

:hug:

Lingurine

radical

With you in spirit, 3 Roses.
I know my version of how that feels, so I feel for you.  I wish there was more I could do than to send a virtual hug, which this damn laptop keyboard is stopping me from making pictorial.
Anyway HUGS!



Three Roses

Saw my T last week, it was REALLY a heavy session. So much validation came from it. His office has been the only place I seem to be able to really let down and cry.

I tried to write the other letter, from my 30-yr old self to my now self, but the only response I seem to get is a vitriolic, confrontational lashing out. But T said that was good enough, just knowing what "her" response was.

I want to be done with all this introspection but I know that is not the healthy thing to do. It is a lot of work, and yes it's painful, but I'm starting to see how much more painful it's been to keep my emotions bottled up inside all these years. So good to let things, the truth, hit the air and be illuminated by someone else's insight.

I never really grasped that I was bottling up my emotions. After all, didn't I unleash with a good verbal thrashing every now & then? Didn't I tell people in no uncertain terms how I felt and what I thought? But now I see that this was to keep everyone at arm's length. Intimacy was a foreign thing to me, closeness was pain.

Truthfully, I still like to be distant & hidden from others, but I put on a good show. No one ever sees how dark it is inside me, how much loneliness and anger lurk there. Just typing that out made my heart pound a little! I know how to put on a happy face, how to do the "happy social" thing. But it's wearing on me, and I prefer to be alone but myself these days.

Elphanigh

Lots of warm, safe hugs (if you want them) and compassion to you Threeroses. I am so in awe of your strength and am so glad you are sticking out the hard stuff. You sound like you are doing exactly what you need to be right now. I am so glad you can let it go in session with you T, he sounds very amazing. Keep up the amazing work. You are brave and so worth all of this effort.  :hug: :hug: