the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

all right, step 3 is officially done - my bank acct. is closed, and i have all my money from here with me now.  my hub is never alone with it, and no one here thinks i have money cuz i drive a 23-yr. old car!  it's all beat up and rusting, and that's the first thing people notice here is what kind of car anyone drives.  that's the status bar.

next is a waiting game.  doc appts., see what's gonna happen with my eye.  it shouldn't be too big a deal, the surgery, but it'll depend on when it gets scheduled.  we'll see.  scary, tho.  never had anything done to my eyes before, except getting reading glasses or bifocals. 

and, the other night i was going to bed, thought of everyone who has been so kind and helpful and i felt loved.  it was the most miraculous feeling, like soft, warm angel wings embracing me, comforting me, soothing me.  wow!  i can't even say how happy i am that i lived long enough to feel this in such a tangible way.  i know it's because everything coming toward me from everyone is from their heart.  i can feel it now.  it's so beautiful, like being covered in flower petals, or the whisper of a blessing.  thank you, everyone.   i'll make it.

[Candid]

I know it's scary. Said a flat no to contacts. Have considered laser surgery but so far I've been too scared I'll end up blind. Yours is a cataract, isn't it? I've never heard of anyone being worse off after that op.

Your last par is so beautiful. BTW I showed H the top of one of your posts where you called me friend and sister, because I'd mentioned "my friend San" to him. It's an honour to be on your support crew.

[sanmagic7]

it's an honor to have you with me, candid.

my surgery is actually going to be because my retina is detaching.  at least, that's what i read from the last doc i saw last month.  i'm not worried about cataracts - i know that's a simple procedure once they get bad enough.  this is where they inject a bubble of gas into the eyeball in order for it to, presumably, push the retina back to where it belongs.   gotta stay face down 20 hrs./day for at least a week, maybe 2, so that the gas bubble does its thing, and then gets absorbed by the body.  the idea of sticking a needle in my eye doesn't sit real well with me.

i thought my hub had this same procedure done, but i just found out the other day that his was because of macular degeneration.  it was a similar procedure, but different focus.  he panicked the first time, they had to reschedule so he could go under general anesthesia.  so, i still have to find out what the real deal is, cuz i didn't get to see my own doc last time because of a glitch in the comp. system, and they shoveled me to someone else.  ugh!  i hate this crapola!  i'll know more after the 17th of may, exactly what's going on. 

i've already been told i can't wear contacts cuz the fluid in my eye isn't right for them.  that was about 25 yrs. ago.  don't know exactly what that means, or if it means anything for this now.  maybe i'll just have this eyeball taken out and wear a glittery patch.  that would rock!!!  we'll see.

  back atcha!

[Candid]

the idea of sticking a needle in my eye doesn't sit real well with me.

No, it wouldn't.

i'll know more after the 17th of may, exactly what's going on. 

Such a long time to have this hanging over your head!

maybe i'll just have this eyeball taken out and wear a glittery patch.  that would rock!!! 

You're... indomitable! I bet you'd do it, too.   

[Wife#2]

Wow, Sanmagic, I had NO idea that was such an intensive process! Can they keep you in-hospital, or do you have to go home and just try to make that happen?

Three weeks from today to find your answers! That's forever AND not too long. With all the junk going on, hopefully, you'll be so distracted that it'll be here before you know it! Good answers only - you're due by now. Surely, you're due. 

Big, big  to you, friend.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your support, candid and wife2.  when i read the report the other doc wrote (then told me to go back to the desk and get an appt. asap - this was the first one available) one of her notations was that the retina was detached 20% (now, i'm reading shorthand spanish, so i think that's what it said.  but i can tell something is wrong with my eye that wasn't there before).  from what i understand, it's an outpatient procedure.  i don't know anything about follow-up, altho when my hub had his procedure done, he had to return in 3 days to have it checked, so i may have to stay there in a hotel instead of riding the bus home for 2 1/2 hrs., then returning 3 days later.  i'm guessing at all of this.  my hub will be with me, so that's money spent for two.

if, in fact, this is what is going to happen, i don't have any idea when there will be someone who does this procedure available, if it's my doc or another, and how long it might take before i can actually get it done.  who knows with this med. system - it might be months.  it's all up in the air, everything, and i'm doing my best not to think about it. 

at this point, sometimes i wonder if i'm making it all up, if i read it wrong, or what.  my hub keeps saying he's not a doc, that when he's tried to read these reports they've been different than what the doc says.  i don't know anymore.  if it is what i think it says, i'm not looking forward to it at all.  in 3 weeks it's gonna be really hot, and just walking outside will be like walking into an oven.  in and out of a/c takes its toll.  just plain ol' ugh!

so, that's where i am right now, that's what i'm thinking.  maybe i'm wrong.  my eye is telling me different, tho.  ever onward! 

[Candid]

My mind boggles at the thought of lying face-down for 20 hours a day. How will you even breathe?

[Wife#2]

My mind boggles at the thought of lying face-down for 20 hours a day. How will you even breathe?

Just WOW. Thoughts & prayers are with you, friend.

Maybe rent one of those chiropractor tables with the open space for a head? Yeah, I hear you, more money you just don't have.

Maybe a hammock?  Hmmm, one of those rope numbers with tall sides so you won't roll out every time the wind blows. And that way, you could pass a straw through so you could still drink (water, soda, vodka - whatever helps the days pass). And you could put down a towel or blanket so you don't get rope burn or bed sores where the ropes crisscross. And, if the spaces are wide enough, you could put your arms through and put your phone or monitor or laptop below you and still play with us! Until your hands went numb at least.

[sanmagic7]

thanks ever so, both of you.  my hub got one of those pillow rings for traveling, but he never used it.  he stayed up there at his sister's house for 10 days so he was able to go back and forth for check-ups in the same town, and she made food for him.  i was so grateful for that.   i guess i'll just hang my head over the bed, if it comes to that, listen to the tv.  i don't have computer gadgets, so that's not an option.  i'll do a lot of thinking, lots of resting.  i'll get thru it.   

it would be nice if i were wrong, and this is something that could be fixed with some drops.  let's hope so. 

[Candid]

it would be nice if i were wrong, and this is something that could be fixed with some drops.  let's hope so.

Oh yes! As the wise man said: Be realistic. Plan for a miracle.

[sanmagic7]

that's ALWAYS my plan!  manufactured or natural, i don't care.  i love miracles - they're akin to magic.

was thinking about men yesterday, how i've been so man hungry all my life.  it's got to be about my dad, who i thought was god and wanted only to please him and make him proud.  never got confirmation on either while he was alive - even when my sis and i, who were living in calif. at the time made the trip to our hometown in the midwest while he was in the hospital with leukemia (and since he was sick, she and i painted the house for him), we got no acknowledgment from him about the trip or the house.  the first day we went to the hospital to see him, he said that he'd expected us to come, but he was really impressed by our mom coming to visit every day (she didn't drive, so it was a big deal, yes, and he was happy to have her by his side).  still, i thought we'd get some kind of thanks, or so nice of you to come all this way - something!

way back in first grade i think, i ran a little girls' gang who would pin down some boy i picked out on the playground, hold him there so that i could kiss him.  i remember being at the water fountain one day when a teacher came up to me, told me that she'd heard what i was doing, and that i should stop cuz kissing spreads germs.  i did, but it never stopped me from continually liking boys, wanting their attention.  i had my eye on them ever since.

as an adult, i loved going to bars, but i always found the night to be a waste if i hadn't gotten the attention of some guy.  i was a guy junkie, i think as i ponder on it now, not really feeling whole unless i had a man in tow somehow, often more than one.  back-ups, so to speak.  i truly felt like a boat sailing aimlessly without the attentions of a man.  my sole intent when i went out was to find someone, even if it was just to have a conversation with, maybe a kiss good night. 

for some reason this has been in my head the last few days, probably from contemplating leaving my hub.  i think i read about looking for men to be my savior.  i do know that i was desperate for touch.  without my emotions, touching or being touched was like the only way i knew i was solid.  otherwise, i floated.   i don't doubt it's why i hug everybody to this day.  it's grounding for me.

the only touch like that i remember with my dad was when i was very young.  i had problems sleeping at night (my mom told me that i had my days and nights mixed up from the time i was a baby) and i remember a few times when my dad would hold me on the rocker until i fell asleep.  while i was lying in his arms, i would put my little arm behind him, slide my hand up his back a bit, and keep it there until the pressure of his back against the chair with my tiny hand in between would become too much.  my hand would begin tingling, and i'd slide my hand back down to the small of his back where there was room.  when the tingling stopped, i'd repeat that several times before i went to sleep.

when i was a little older, maybe 3 or 4, my mom bought me what i thought was the most beautiful doll in the world.  i named her diane, and she slept with me every night.  eventually, i lost her clothes, but i had a ritual wherein i would hold an arm of hers till it got warm, then the other, then a leg, etc., until i finally reached her glass head.  this was my ritual for falling asleep every night.

one night when i reached for her, she wasn't there.  i had no idea where she was, she was simply gone.  i was beside myself, made up a story that a fairy king had come during the day and taken her away.  many years later while talking to my mom about her, (my mom was also dying of cancer by that time) she told me she remembered that doll, and had thrown her away because the rubber was beginning to disintegrate.  my mother was a stickler for a clean house - you could never tell there were 3 kids living there.

so, i've always been about touch as something that soothes me, i always make sure that i have a rocking chair, and i've relied on men to make me know that i'm real and solid by getting touched by them.  i began writing about this because i'm wondering if i've come far enough in recovery to be ok on my own once i leave here.  one thing i've always done with my hub has been to make sure i put a hand on him when i go to bed, touch his back or arm just to plant that reality of him being there night after night. 

one boyfriend i had for awhile literally engulfed me in his arms every night, his head on mine.  it took a little getting used to, but once i did, i couldn't remember ever sleeping better, more soundly, feeling safer.  he was a human swaddler, and it must have filled those needs for me.  quite an experience.

i wonder if i have to get a replacement for diane.  she was unceremoniously taken from me, but i never cried, never asked my mom when i was little what happened to her, never made a fuss about it - just made up that story in my head to explain her disappearance.  i feel like crying now.  i was robbed of something extremely precious and meaningful to me.  touch has been my go-to, and i've ended up in bed with plenty of men just for that (i took no pleasure, actually in sex - i was craving the touch).

it will be interesting to see how this washes out when i leave.  i'm scared.

[Wife#2]

I do understand that drive, that need.

During the years when I had no man at all in my life, my best friend and I both bemoaned how much we missed touch. We both made questionable choices in men, just to feel that touch again. Sometimes, we knew it was a mistake. Sometimes, we (especially I) imagined it was a real relationship just to excuse our going back for more again & again.

That's why it's so sad that I've chosen such a touch-less man for a husband. All touch is initiated by me. ALL. If he walks towards me for a hug when I get home, it's because I've begged again that I NEED that touch. As you said, to feel safe, to feel valued, to feel real - like I actually exist. This has been one of the bigger issues in my marriage.

I can tell you that friends would tease me saying I needed a man or a toy. My first response was, I have a toy, but it can't hug me. Then, I'd laugh and say, now the man... SURE, but where are the ones who don't have to be drunk to hug? We'd all laugh. Later, at home, I'd think about it a lot.

Pets help, but cats don't hug and dogs rarely do. I touch them, to pet them. They don't touch me. It helped, but not enough.

What was one of the best ways for me to cope was to have men who were safely gay or in the friend camp - by THEIR choice. Huggers preferred! Many of my college and young adult years friends were gay (even lesbian as long as they knew I wasn't on the fence) or just friends. One tried to move out of friends camp - before he was even separated - NO!  Anyway, I could hang out, be a great friend to them and allow them to be great friends to me. And, yes, I could get that reassuring touch of hands on shoulders or knees, back rubs, foot rubs and hugs. Those really were some of the best years of my life.

Most of those folks were only part of my life for a season. I miss them. I wonder if my marriage would be better if they were still around. The difference between that and what hubby proposes is that I am not seeking sex, I'm seeking feeling real, belonging, connecting, all that touch does for our souls. Hubby wants sex, if he has to touch to get sex, then he'll touch. But, it's an obligation to him. He loves when I touch him, it does sooth him and help him settle sometimes. Still, he doesn't understand that it is a fundamental need I have. No machine or fake flower is going to replace that need.

Dang, sorry to hijack your thread! Especially your journal. What I do recommend is to allow your daughter to introduce you to people. Make clear that you really are only wanting friendship, but that you are also a hands-on touch-type person.

It won't fix everything, but it can help sustain you while you continue healing. Just coming out of a 12 year relationship is hard enough. Most folks (especially emotionally healthy folks) will appreciate that and give you the space you request. Yeah, finding that fine line between 'some space' and 'isolation' can be a challenge, but you'll have your daughter to help you see if you're drifting away again.

I'm so glad she's in your life. You've been there for her, helped her, taught her and unconditionally loved her. Allow her to expand her role to daughter/friend. It's amazing the relationship that can develop between a mother and an adult daughter when mutual respect and real love are part of the equation. 

[Candid]

i was robbed of something extremely precious and meaningful to me.

I frequently pine for what I called my winky bag. It was a semi-circular bright yellow PVC zip bag with glued-on winking (tilt-it) eyes and mouth on the front. I treasured it because my Dad gave it to me and it wasn't my birthday or anything.  I suppose that was thrown out with everything else when my family migrated. I was 12 and I lost all my stuff, as if childhood was over in one, albeit very long, plane ride.

I've had more pricks than a dartboard, too, and for some reason I feel moved to mention that my first husband was latino. Gutter smart and physically violent. Aaaaargh!

questionable choices in men

Can't imagine what you mean, Wife#2. :wink:

cats don't hug and dogs rarely do.

True, but it occurred to me while reading this post that if I'd still had my dog, H probably wouldn't have got a look-in.

[sanmagic7]

thanks to both of you, once again, for such wonderful support and understanding.

wife2, i totally get that having to make the first move with my hub to get a hug.  he also loves it, but never initiates it.  and with sex off the board for so long, touch of any kind from him is just missing.  i've heard somewhere that we need 13 hugs/day to provide enough skin health, that that's the amount of touch necessary to keep our brains saturated in those feel-good hormones.    wouldn't that be lovely!

and, i think you're right about being in the vicinity of my daughter making a difference to me now.  it might erase that sex/touch-starved gene that poked it's head into my life every so often.   (i used a different word there to name that gene, but then decided it might not be ok.  but, that's what i really meant).

candid, yeah, it sounds like your childhood was simply erased.  horrible feeling that must have been.  ugh!  i've always loved the maleness of latinos, even some of the macho in them, but not the mucho that kind of overrides gentleness.   the streets will do that, for sure.  he's always been wary of me, that i'm trying to manipulate him, or do therapy on him without him knowing, or putting words into his head.  rather paranoid, and certainly lets me know that he doesn't really trust me, never has.  hmmpf!

ever onward, one foot in front of the other.  we're doing this, come * or high water.  i really do think i'm gonna buy myself a sleeping doll.  it may help when i'm on my own.  bring back some warm fuzzies that i'd relied on, and that never let me down.  i like the way that sounds.

[Candid]

i really do think i'm gonna buy myself a sleeping doll. 

Good idea.