something I DO remember... (probably triggers)

[joyful]

(I'm using like all my willpower to not apologize for posting so much...)
I just barely posted about not having explicit memories of SA, but over the weekend some things came to me. Things that I've always known, but have always looked at in the wrong way.
I do remember some instances of inappropriate touching when I was like 11 or 12 (and other things in my childhood...). I was uncomfortable when it happened, but ignored it because the person wasn't *meaning* to hurt me... guess what I realized yesterday?? It doesn't matter what they intended, if I was uncomfortable then I was uncomfortable! Just because they didn't *mean to* doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. And it wasn't like accidental touching either. It was definitely on purpose, but I pushed away how I felt about it because they weren't doing it to hurt me (and how I figured that out I have no idea. Too much trust maybe) ... something to with work on I guess. Being true to my gut feelings.
I still am resisting the urge to apologize for this, I just needed to get it out.
Thanks for reading

[Wife#2]

  Try to not worry about us. If you need to apologize to relax, then do it! ** NO JUDGMENT ZONE **

I am so sorry these things ever happened to you.  You deserved and still do deserve to be safe. I hope you are able to learn to trust your 'guts' that when something feels wrong, it probably is. It certainly is for YOU. That's enough. Because YOU are enough, just as you are. 

[sanmagic7]

ditto what wife2 said.  i had a similar experience w/ my mom, she didn't mean it to be anything but a loving way to wake me up for school, but i was uncomfortable with it, yet didn't say anything.  it seemed like it was an important thing for her, and i didn't want to hurt her feelings.  she's been dead a long time, but i think i'll write to her, make a funeral for that.  i'm glad you brought this up, joyful.  thanks.

and, i don't know if there is such a thing here as posting too much.  we all have so many layers and realizations and clarities that come to mind, and i think it helps a lot to get it out.  so, as far as i'm concerned, post away!  as hagrid (in harry potter) would say 'better out than in'.  and i totally agree.  besides, your posting of this helped me with something, and i thank you for that.

[joyful]

I'm glad sanmagic. I'm glad I'm not the only one too! Thank you Wife2 also. It always feels good to be so understood and validated by people who don't even know me, but are still so kind and supportive. it's good to be able to talk about this and have people understand. It's hard and scary...thanks for being here for me. (that sounds super cheesy...) I guess through all this stuff i'm having to learn to just trust myself and my gut feelings.
the hard thing is that i'm still living at home, with the person i think was the abuser. it's hard to feel safe. i know i'm not in danger anymore, but i guess it feels like when i'm there it's easy to deny and minimize... whenever i'm not there, i KNOW things are wrong. but then i go back and it's so hard to not get sucked back in if that makes sense. i also wonder about what has happened or is happening to my younger siblings... and then there's the whole thing where i feel sooo bad and guilty blaming someone for something that i have no explicit memories of... but ALL the signs don't line up for no reason right? the body memories...going through lists of symptoms of csa and finding myself checking off the majority if not all of them depending on the list... i don't think all the things could line up on accident...

[Wife#2]

Joyful, that's why you 'lost' the memories in the first place - they're just too difficult to believe about someone who is supposed to protect you.

I understand that feeling - I used to tell my brother that I'd get SOO mad at myself because I'd walk through Mom's front door and be 7 or 12 for the duration of my visit - fawning all over her, everything all about her. He'd crack me up about it later because he understood. I'd crack him up about things she said to him that were ridiculous (Mom was a neglector, likely uNarc). We'd laugh with each other about how she tried to make us responsible for her emotions, financial state, whatever. THAT, more than anything, helped me understand that those things were wrong.

Maybe you can invite one of the younger sibs for a visit or evening out with you. Don't make it all heavy, but do try to laugh about those things that are easily seen and fundamentally not right - like 'Isn't it funny how Mom acts like we're going away forever when she hugs us good-bye?' That could be a door opener to either find out if stuff IS going on, or to let you both laugh about 'Mom's strange behavior - letting younger sibs know that those things are silly, NOT normal. Again, you're not responsible for anyone else's lives, actions, reactions or emotions. But, giving your sibs a break from the house AND giving them a good (educational, too) laugh can be reassuring and refreshing for BOTH of you.

Don't worry about age differences. I'm 8 years younger than the brother I talk about. We really did get along together. I felt safe if he brought something up, safer with him than a therapist even! Siblings are 'safer' to open up to IMHO because they've often been through the same stuff, or similar enough to understand. And, although being blood related does not have a love requirement, if sibs are trying to help each other through this stuff, that's a love that goes beyond words.

Also, let the memories happen as they happen. They'll be hard enough to cope with if they come on their own, as your subconscious realizes you are now able to cope with them. And, yes, these symptoms don't just appear for no reason. Nobody (that I can think of) would choose to have cPTSD. So, you and your body are trustworthy.

[sanmagic7]

hey, joyful,

that sounds about right to me, that it's easy to deny and minimize while you're there, but no so much when you're away from it.  i think it's just about the idea that you're not quite ready to face this head on yet.  (plus, you are still living there, seeing this person every day).   there's nothing wrong with that - everyone needs to go at their own pace.  this stuff IS hard and scary.  people don't realize the impact on our emotions, and how important our emotions are to our everyday living, when these kinds of things happen. 

i think wife2's idea of having sibling chats is a great one, especially if you're worried.  being younger, they may be scared, too scared to know what to do except 'grin and bear it' if something is, indeed, happening to them. 

and, i don't think there's anything 'cheesy' about that phrase 'being there for me'.  i've said it a million times at least on this forum.  of course, i'm originally from wis., am a certified cheesehead, so that may be why i think it's a perfectly legitimate way to feel (just an attempt at some goofy 'cheesy' humor here!)

i think you're doing fine, everything will come to you in it's own good time and when you're ready for it.  this stuff takes time and patience.  we must move at our own pace.  that's what's best for each of us, and it can be different for everyone.  keep taking care of you.