How Many More Reasons?

[tea-the-artist]

I was suggested not to beat myself up about this and that often we choose the decisions we think are best for ourselves in that moment/time.

but this past thursday when my dad said some horrible things about domestic violence victims (he was downstairs ranting/praising himself for all the false things he thought he knew and assumed!! so i was not a part of the conversation). i got so angry and upset and I just came so close to finally calling up my friends and saying I was ready to move out, because I so was. still asking my family to "give me one more reason and I'll move out!" and in just the last month I've had at least 3 reasons and thursday was the fourth reason and I still couldn't do it.

i know i'm supposed to have this strong self compassion, fake or not, to get me through it. all of my feelings so far since learning about cptsd have felt fake or nonexistent except for sadness. and it doesn't help that my brother and I are back on speaking terms (I guess we always were but he's been working so hard for his certification course) and my dad is trying to be cool and talk to me about a game system I'm excited for next year.

only my mom I can ever be visibly angry with and I've been short with her because she wouldn't stand up to him when he said those disgusting things about victims. i don't have the strength or patience to tell her why I'm annoyed, when really I was annoyed with my dad and not so much her until she said "You don't love your dad do you?" and since I've just not wanted to be my "Nice And Funny Daughter-Friend" self with her. everything and everyone's so confusing and all I want to do is move out.

if I were my own friends I know I'd encourage and support them and not be upset with them for not choosing to leave when the option first became available. but I can't fake that to myself. if my friends tell me good things, I accept it as I'm supposed to, but it just never feels good. Or bad.

I feel bad, I feel like I've made this post countless times and talk so much about how "stuck" I am.

[Three Roses]

When you're ready, you'll be ready. Until then try not to worry so much - there is a theory that says whatever we fear, we attract, so try not to think about being stuck. You're not stuck, you're just not ready emotionally.

[sanmagic7]

i agree.  we all move forward in our own time, at our own pace.  there's no right or wrong to this, no shame or blame.  we can't turn these kinds of things like readiness on or off at will.  it just comes when it comes, sometimes by surprise.  one day, when you least expect it, it'll be there.  and you'll go. 

in the meantime, be as kind and gentle to yourself as you can.  you won't be perfect at that, either.  none of us are, no matter what it might look like.  you'll get there.

[tea-the-artist]

thanks guys. I just really want to be ready as soon as possible. as much as I love my friends who have been just... incredibly good to me ever since we met, I just have this dread feeling that I don't know how long they'll be there for me. like it's extended from my lack of trust (emotionally) towards my family, onto my friends. and my not being ready to leave has always felt like betraying myself (or my younger self). that now that I'm an adult I have to take care of all the things my parents couldn't, and provide her a safe space. and if I don't feel safe here it just hurts. and then there's the unending (but justifiable) feelings about my family (frustration, happiness, closeness, invalidation, etc etc) that keeps me here.

[sanmagic7]

take your time.  have you talked to your friends, found out if there's a time limit on their invitation/generosity?   that might help you with your sense of urgency in their direction. 

it sounds like you have conflicting reasons/feelings re: your family, happiness/unsafe, closeness/invalidation.  it sounds like you'll need to get some priorities straightened out before you'll be able to make a move.  no wonder you're going back and forth on this. 

in my relationships, i've finally learned to make a sort of balancing scale of the pos. vs the neg.  when the neg. outweight the pos., that's when i know it's time to quit the relationship.  in your case, does moving out mean that you're abandoning your family?  or does it mean that you're asserting your independence?   do they want to keep you attached to them for unhealthy reasons?  what are your needs here as compared to their wants for you? 

i'm not looking for answers - these are questions that just popped into my head.  maybe they'll help, maybe not.  at any rate, when it's time . . .you'll do what you need to do.  of that i have no doubt. 

[tea-the-artist]

sanmagic7 after reading what you said I started to feel a bit better this morning and decided to answer some of those questions for myself. the negatives of staying greatly outweighed the positives. a lot of the reasons to stay seemed to me very toxic ("but they need me financially... despite all of my emotional needs being unmet, ignored and invalidated" or "I'm not mentally ready because I don't have the skills to be an adult because I've been sheltered from the experience under the guise/words of 'We want you safe.'").

later today I will talk to my friends and try not to be embarrassed about trying to have them reassure me that their place will be stable (emotionally and physically) and safe for me and that the offer won't expire (they've always told me "any time" and "whenever you're ready, say the word," so that's been kind of assuring. I think my trust issues are also creeping up and keeping me from feeling ready). while I won't be able to fully financially provide for myself, I am able to live there rent free until I get back on my feet. it's just scary to trust they will be able to help, and part of me feels like a big step would be re-establishing trust. I've been trying to save up here and there despite my family's dependence though.

but you've definitely helped get me started and I appreciate your feedback!

[sanmagic7]

so glad for you, tea.  these are the little steps everyone talks about, and you just took several.  yay!  keep us posted - you're moving forward.  and, good luck with your friends.  they sound like good people.  just like you. 

[tea-the-artist]

I almost apologized for dragging everyone back here, but I am happy to say that I am definitely much closer to moving out.

last month my friends reassured me about staying with them. It's not too good to be true nor is the offer shaky at all. they're there. they're going to stay there. Pansy (the older sister) has shown me the bed they are trying to get as my new room is on the smaller side, and they both have constantly told me how excited they are for me to live there. Since the new year started I've been more active in talking to them or communicating things to them indirectly and have had a pretty positive outlook so far. On New Years, it truly for once felt like there were people on my side, that I could feel it emotionally (and not just accept it and give my standard gratitude). Everyone was there, you all and my other online friends and my friends in real life. I could feel that, and I feel this gentle push towards moving.

I just wanted to let you all know the progress Not just towards moving out (which I am at least 80% feeling certain about) but feeling the good feelings my friends want me to feel 

[sanmagic7]

o, yay!  tea, so glad that you're feeling better about everything.  it sounds like things are beginning to roll into place.  i'm very happy for you (smiling right now).  you're on your way!  (by the by, you didn't 'drag' anyone here. i, for one, came here voluntarily from a place of caring, not duty or guilt or any of those ugly things.)