Is this dissociative amnesia?

[Jojob]

Ive not been diagnosed with cptsd as I've only just been to my GP finally to get help... I've been referred to the mental health team next wk... But reading up on all of this just makes so much sense to me!
I had a question about the amnesia part though.... I was abused from age 11 to 15 ... and its affected my whole life... I wish I would of got help sooner but I didn't understand what was going on or why I was behaving the way I was. I constantly feel like something will trigger me back to the past.. An it's not a visual thing but an emotional one... A small event to others can somehow spiral me into a state of panic and a deep feeling of just disgust and hatred for myself... :-( I know it comes from the past not the present but I can't stop it happening. I'm a nightmare to be in a relationship with because I my mood switches so fast an I feel myself using defence mechanisms that I used back then to cope... Even though logically I know it's not happening to me anymore... It's like auto pilot and  I feel like I'm right back in the past again...  I wanted to ask about the amnesia part .... This abuse went on weekly for yrs yet I can only remember certain snipits of it.... And mainly I just remember the aftermath.... Like sitting crying alone after it... And how low, isolated, and horrible I felt.... I do remember some events that happened but I feel like most of it I can't remember for the life of me.... Which frustrates me a bit because I feel like I want to remember more... Because I don't know if that would help me understand why I feel so so horrible about myself... And why I feel so unlovable? Does this make sense?

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, jojob! I'm glad you're here.

Yes, your post makes perfect sense! There are even names for what you describe...emotional flashbacks (EF), toxic shame, inner critic (IC), etc.

If you are able to tolerate reading more, I suggest you go to pete-walker.com and poke around a little.

Dissociative amnesia is real! I have experienced this myself. Here is a link to some info about it:  https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders

In this forum you've found a group of people who "get it", having been there ourselves. Thanks for joining! 

[Jojob]

Thank you so much! I'll check those links out. For the first time in 20yrs I feel like stuff makes sense now! I had no idea what flashbacks where, I couldn't tell my partner my feelings as I knew they didnt match up to the event that was happening in the present.... I thought if I told the truth I would just look like I was being irrational or dramatic.... But after reading up on this, I can see that certain things trigger me instantly back to those past events. Even the fight or flight response makes sense, because in all my relationships when something triggers me, my first response is anger an my mind telling me get out of this, leave the relationship right now, even though it could be the tiniest thing that happened. The feelings feel that horrendous in that moment that I tell myself to run away over and over. I'm gonna look into all this a lot more but all I can say is I'm so grateful I found this site, I see it as a positive sign that there's hope for me.