Like a bolt of lightning...

[woodsgnome]

***Triggering word used***

This is just my need to vent some, more than anything. Just another example about how something seemingly uneventful to someone else can set off feelings suddenly and explosively, like a bolt of lightning.

Yesterday I was at an MD's office for some minor issues. There were very few people in the place, a fairly large one; but nice and quiet yesterday. Then I was called to the exam room and escorted to it by a nurse.

Going down the hallway there was an open door, with a fellow sitting near the opening. As I was about to enter the exam room down from where he was, he yelled out, in a joking tone,..."Hey, you pervert," I stumbled as soon as that word was uttered, and when I turned in his direction, his weirdly cheerful response was "oh, from the back you look just like my perv friend such-and-such."

All I could do was kinda look past him and mutter something, I'm not sure what; but I was too stunned to properly respond (proper? no such thing). The nurse got me to my room...and I just burst out crying. She said she'd have had the same response had someone said that to her. The fellow hadn't even seen me, just from the back, and he lets his words rip, joyfully even.

Once in the room, well...I was left there, alone, for a long time before the MD arrived...which worsened things; alone in a cramped space, just like where stuff used to happen to me. The wait seemed to stretch on and on.

Not a big deal? It's 24 hours later and I'm still having a hard time with this. Not surprisingly the blood pressure reading was off the charts, but the MD helped soothe me a little. As I explained to her, who would address a stranger like that...I'd been abused badly by p......ts when a kid, etc. and that moment fell like I'd fallen into some weird cave with this leering guy repeating his word (for his friend?

Nothing new, I'm sure, for many (too many) here. This is mostly just the need to further vent that I even post it. It's horrible when I think that there's no place of safety; even a 'care-giver' place like a doctor's office can hold something that throws you. I've been working hard to shed my fear of strangers and then this happens. 

[Three Roses]

 

So sorry this happened to you!

[Dee]

That is so very hard to deal with.  I seem to be set off by words and phrases more than anything else.  I'm sorry that happened to you.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, Three Roses and Dee.

What that man said was a huge shock, but more of a disappointment to have encountered him in such an unexpected place. Very discouraging to think he roams around without realizing how the sort of words he used can cut and reopen pretty deep wounds.

As I said, the hardest part of what happened is how it flies in contrast to the trust level I'd like to reach with people. Stuff like his comments seem like more than the step forward/2 or more back routine. It's more like falling off a cliff.

More than that, though, is just the sadness. It was like he took a sword and sliced me with it, in broad daylight, and even gloating over what he said. Some would call my reaction overdone. They've never been on this road, either. So the other wound is the loneliness.

Thanks again for your kindness; it was so needed.

[2Spirits]

I'm so sorry to read this happening to you! Big hug, sorry though it's been some time since your original post 
It's really
1) awful to have these strong reactions due to past abuse,
2) and it's frustrating that many people cannot understand it because they have no experiences of their own that would be similar enough to facilitate understanding
3) and it's * that WE are the ones who feel even more isolated as a result of  the not-understanding. We already felt isolated because past issues with trust and bonding make it quite a challenge to build friendships or relationships.

So: hugs (if wanted)