is this shift recovery?

[Manchesterford]

8weeks ago I was anxious, suffering panic attacks and unable to keep food down. I've changed therapy types and she has workedwith me on releasing fear.

It seems to have been successful and I'm functioning better with lower,  manageable anxiety.  However I am suffering greater waves of sadness and feelings of heart break and despair.  Is this a step forward or back?
It was suggested by a friend that my body had been focused on fear as that feeling was a bigger threat and now it is letting the sadness out.

Anyone any thoughts?  Experienceof this?

Thank you x

[meursault]

Maybe something similar:  when I actively work on relaxing around triggering people, I often feel like I'm going to explode into tears.  This stuff is complex, so I think there are a lot of emotions going on.  Maybe we need to work through a bunch of them...

Meursault

[Manchesterford]

I looked today at the Abraham Hicks emotional scale and fear and grief sit side by side, at the same level.

But most research suggests that working through grief isn't in steps, you don't feel one and then another but move through all and back and forth.

I agree about working through. I'm trying just to let them sit. I'm trying just to accept how I feel and not fight it.  Maybe as painful as it is that is needed.

[Kizzie]

Hi Manchester - I am no psychologist but from what I've read and been through myself, getting past the fear and feeling your sadness and heartbreak is generally a big step forward.  The fear keeps us from feeling some pretty awful things, but it also keeps us from recovering and knowing that as adults we can deal better with things, protect ourselves, and so on than we could as children. Feeling and accepting the grief and pain from the past is probably one of the hardest things to do in recovery but sounds like you're on your way heading out of the storm (so to speak).

[Manchesterford]

Thanks Kizzie! I've saved your response to look at when I feel sad and hurting, as a reminder that this is a step forward.  It isn't much fun! I have been so very unhappy for so long. I just want to feel better again.

[Kizzie]

It is hard isn't it?  One thing that helped me is to say to myself "Well you've done some good work girl    Maybe it's time to take a break - have a nap, go for a walk or read a good book and let the emotions and nerve endings settle down for a bit."   CPTSD takes a lot of energy.

The other suggestion I have is to track your symptoms.  I didn't because at the time we didn't have a form to do so, but there is one now here - https://static1.squarespace.com/static/56983ac169492ecf0c7dc1c7/t/580e7b8937c581e306e54221/1477344137887/Background+and+Symptoms+of+CPTSD.pdf.  The idea is that it helps you to see whether your symptoms are decreasing in number and intensity over time. It may also be useful for your T.

[Manchesterford]

I love this! I can see the ebbs and flows of emotion but tracking might help me see more clearly.  I am learning you don't need to understand to accept,  which in my situation is essential. I'm also looking at triggers and working with my hypnotherapy lady to release.

Enjoyed a day to day without a real low.  The first in ages.

[Kizzie]

Enjoyed a day to day without a real low.  The first in ages.

Here's to more days like this one 

[Manchesterford]

Slight wobble today but hypnotherapy is really helping ! I can't recommend it enough.

[Kizzie]

Can you share  bit about what HT is like?  You said earlier you and the T were working on triggers.  How exactly do you go about that?

[Manchesterford]

My hypnotherapist is a holistic practitioner and has been working to help me reprogramme and turn down the fear response.  I see her for one to one sessions but listen to sleep hypnotherapy tracks she provides.  A lot of codependant issues. I had been struggling with my separation from my BPD partner and very fearful after such a traumatic ten years. All about breaking deeply ingrained trauma bonds.  Great for when you want to let go but your conscious gets in the way.

Today has been tough. With old loving friends but who know my partner as well. Lots of shame bubbling up in me about why I've been so rejected. Hard day.

hope everyone else had a better one?

[Kizzie]

Sorry it was a hard day for you - FWIW  sending along some cyber 

[Manchesterford]

Thank you.  I'm working through it all. Lots of sadness,  shame. I start to come out of the fog but things are still misty!