The struggle - possibly mildly triggering

[Wife#2]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Logic, patters, flow
These things please me
So, I just want to know
Why can't loving be easy?

Am I so difficult to love?
Did I offend you too much?
You look at me from above
With the coldness of a judge.

How could I have been different
Wasn't it you who raised me?
My child feels heaven sent
You chose to give me life, not me!

I'm following the rules again.
The patterns taught in childhood.
Yet, chaos is also a pattern
And I learned it from you.
I can break the rules of rhyme and time
I can twist the pattern sideways
But I still don't understand!

You didn't have to marry each other
And having so many kids was YOUR decision
So, why am I paying in pain, loneliness and loss?
Could I have helped this more?

I'm a grown-up now, responsible for my actions and all.
I get that and I embrace that, yet, my childhood haunts me.
Until all I'm left with is patterns, logic, flow.
I push through this adult world
Trying to make sense, wanting to know
If on this path, now unfurled
Is where I belong. After all you see
My marriage, my children are the best they can be
I've done what I can, but that's not enough
Too often I feel cold, tired and gruff
And I wonder if the bigger pattern is revealing before my fall

So, I'll struggle with the patterns, afraid
I'll fight to understand the logic, unsure
I'll step into the flow and feel it's pull, swept away
And, I'll continue asking you, myself, others until
One day, my prayer goes, I can see the logic, patterns and flow
Of who I am. And I'll finally understand.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, I know this has been ages.. I apologize for commenting on something so old. However I just started reading through a lot of the poems people have written. I was in a mood for them I guess.

I love this one, it resonates a great deal with me right now. Thank you for such beautiful writing

[Wife#2]

Thank you, Elphanigh. Wow, I hadn't read it since I posted that. It's good to see that, though I'm still in the midst of the journey, I am making progress.

I'm very glad this spoke to you. It really is/was my heart for all to see. We are, it seems, heart sisters. 

[Elphanigh]

It is beautiful to see that. It does seem we are heart sisters

I hope your adventure away from here is going well. I appreciate you still responding when you are around.