Promiscuity, Looking to be Hurt. Self-Destructive Behaviours (triggers)

[cherrywine]

Hello, I'm new here!

I've been raped twice since I was 16, coerced into sexual activities by abusive boyfriends that I didn't want to do, I've been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships and I've been assaulted several times. For so long I've been functioning, achieving and looking after myself. I currently have a really supportive, understanding and loving relationship but we live in different cities now due to University. 

I've been on a several week spiral of self-destructive behaviours that leave me hungover, sleeping all day, hating myself and missing work/university. I've been drinking quite a bit, deliberately not taking my medication, avoiding showering/eating properly, not keeping myself or my room tidy/clean, sleeping all day until 4pm, not going to my university classes, not doing university work and not going to work.

The scariest part though is that I've started to really want other people to hurt or use me. I go clubbing and I'm looking for men to just use my body and I put myself in risky situations. I'm thinking about how much I want to be raped again, I want to recreate what happened when I was 16. I also want men to physically hurt me.

I've never self harmed. It's not something I can see myself ever doing either. I want to be hurt but I don't want to do the hurting, I want someone else to do it to me. When I'm drinking my mind is just SET on that happening and I won't even think rationally about it.

Has anyone got similar experiences? Has anyone got any suggestions for fighting the self-hatred that follows in the mornings or ways to 'get up and going' (cleaning up my room, having a shower etc)? I really want to get back to looking after myself again ):

[Dee]

Do you have a therapist or a doctor you can go see?  Your behavior is dangerous and perhaps some professional support would be best.  I've had times where I can't get going.  When they have been occurring lately I get professional support, it is what I need.  I think antidepressants are a life savior.  I know some people won't agree with medication, but for me it was.  I recently had to change because my previous one no longer worked.

[cherrywine]

Hey Dee.
I've been to a doctor and to a therapist, unfortunately they both told me that as I'm "functioning" I can't get talking therapy on the NHS (UK). I'm currently on Venlafaxine and it sort of helps, it just makes me super numb which has it's own challenges ):

I'm also on a waiting list to get trauma counselling, but I've been on that list since January and when I get it, it will only be 20 weeks. The state of support for PTSD/CPTSD where I live is awful unless you pay for it privately. But I can't afford to do that.

[Dee]

Okay, so let's make a plan.  How about going back to the basics with taking care of your personal needs.  What do you feel like you can do right now to take care of you?  Is it just for tomorrow set an alarm, take a shower, eat, and take meds.  It can be less if that sounds too much.  Maybe get up eat and take meds.  One thing, one day at a time.  How about creating a schedule that doesn't feel too daunting?  I say this because I've been there and this is what I had to do.  How about planning on just one thing that you need to do tomorrow to take care of you?

[cherrywine]

That's a good idea, I think a simple list will help because just looking at my room seems overwhelming and then I just get caught up in hating myself for letting it get this bad.
It's 2am here but I've been asleep all day so I can do some stuff now:
- Shower
- Empty rubbish out of my room
- Empty my fridge of gone off food
- Put dirty plates by the sink
- Put an alarm on for tomorrow
- Make a list of things to do for tomorrow

I think that's doable. Perhaps I need to just write off the past couple of weeks and start again tomorrow? Otherwise I keep feeling guilty, and embarrassed ):

[Dee]

Don't overwhelm yourself.  It does sound like a good plan to start.  Try that, see how it goes, then we can gently keep going.  Every day is a new start, you can't beat yourself up.  It isn't all or nothing.  In fact, I have been hearing this a lot lately, and I need to tell myself this more as well.  Also, focus on positives, don't go down the spiral of negative thinking.  Get plenty of rest.

How about you do your list and I'll work on my evening snack

[cherrywine]

It's really difficult to focus on the positives, I spend so much time worrying that I've made myself look like a mess to other people or that they're weirded out by stuff that I've said or done. I can't decide if I want people around me to know what is going on with me or if I want them to just think everything is okay for purposes of not being embarrassed/thought of as a mess. 

[Three Roses]

Try not to worry about any of that now.  Your posts sound like me when I was young (almost 60 now). One thing at a time, one day at a time. You can do this! Each day is a new start, a clean slate. You are not a mess! Maybe some don't "get" it, but we do. Thanks for being brave and opening up; when we talk about our experiences and pain, we are helping those still too afraid to speak out.

[cherrywine]

Thank you, you're right. One thing at a time, a day at a time.

I feel like this self-destructive behaviour is something I do to hurt myself, but also to try and make other people notice what I'm feeling. I'm so bad at acting how I am feeling, I just resort to being politely happy.

[Dee]

Checking in, how did the list go?

[sanmagic7]

i liked your idea of putting the last two weeks into a slot of 'already done' and beginning again from there.  i agree with everyone about just one foot in front of the other.  whatever it takes to make one positive move.  that one move counts.  then the next, and allow that to count.  and the next.  as much or as little as you are able to stand, it all counts. 

i think a lot of us have had those 'two weeks' that needed to be put aside, put behind us in order to start anew.  i know i have.  go slow, at your own pace to avoid being overwhelmed.  isn't there some quote about a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step?  that's all we've done here, is started with the first step.  then another.  baby steps, if that's all we can muster.  but, they all count.  as do you.

we've gotten so comfortable with being abused that it seems uncomfortable and foreign to begin self-care.  it will come.  you're not alone.  we get it.

[Coco]

Hi guys,

Beautiful responses here.

Just want you to know, cherrywine, that all the things you described about wanting to be hurt again, putting yourself back in the position to be assaulted again, as well as being on self destructive benders, is really, really, really normal. What you are doing is a normal, predictable and common reaction to your previous experience.

There are sciencey reasons for it. Here are experts I know of who discuss and explain it: Tian Dayton, Bessel van der Kolk, Richard Schwartz. I'm sure there are many more, I'm new to this. These guys understand the brain chemistry, the nature of dissociation, stuck trauma, what the body does, they understand and explain ALL of it. They have brain scans and studies to prove it and explain it.

I know that I am largely numb and only feel truly alive and like my real self when I am in imminent physical danger. In mundane life I am bored *less. If I hear a noise and it sounds like an intruder who might attack me, I suddenly feel awake, amazing, powerful and ready for the confrontation. I walk directly into the possible confrontation. All people with PTSD have this. So that's one part of it.

We do try to re-create the original trauma experiences so we can live it again and resolve it that way. It's common. It's unconscious.

Also, as Schwartz discusses, we have fragments of ourselves who take over when we have been triggered. Their job is to engage in behaviors that we know will numb us, like drinking, promiscuity, sleeping all day so we can avoid being conscious, whatever. They don't care about university, work, hygiene, or keeping tidy - they are impulsive, compulsive, and will fight with all their might to help you dissociate from internal pain. These fragments of us step in to protect us from the huge overwhelming pain and terror that lives just beneath the surface of our skin. They are trying to help you, to protect you, they have your best interests at heart. Unless there was earlier childhood trauma, these particular ones whose best strategies involve drinking and attempting to re-create the rape, would be about 16 years old still. Make sense?

When something that traumatic happens, we automatically organize our entire identity around the event. We create a 'self' based on assumptions we have about it all, and none of this is really conscious or deliberate. Many incest and rape survivors seek out men to use their bodies, as you described, and there are many many reasons for it. It has its own logic and natural progression that does make perfect sense. It certainly doesn't mean we are stuck there forever but it does mean that we can be kind and understanding to ourselves.

Professionals can explain this better than I can, but all this is to say, there is no good reason to feel any crushing shame or guilt. All you are doing is acting like a person who has your exact history. It isn't logical to hate or blame yourself for it.

The first task of healing, and stopping this uncontrollable process, is to begin to feel safe within yourself. We usually can't do this alone. And it might not be talk therapy that does that for you first. It might be bouncing on a trampoline, drumming, yoga, self defense class, it might be just talking kinder to yourself, soothing the frazzled bits, becoming friendlier to all the parts of yourself and giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Now I have Hozier's song cherry wine stuck in my head. I love that beautiful song. Thank you!

[Wife#2]

Cherywine - I've been reading this thread, though not responding .... HOW ARE YOU!!??

You sound so much like me in my 20's and early 30's. I sometimes teased that my theme song during those years could have been - looking for love in ALL the wrong places. I decided to post to give you hope. It sounds like you really need some hope right now. Well, I survived all that. I'm now 12 years into a marriage that's more good than bad (he's cPTSD also). I've found that, no matter my past, no matter WHAT I did in my 20's, I'm still lovable. And loved. For the rest of my life. It IS possible!

I'm so glad you are reaching out now. Believe me when I say this - there is NOTHING you could have done that is SO shocking, SO horrible that you don't deserve love. You will always be worthy of love. And, much of what you may have done has been done by others here on this site.

Seeing that the behavior is causing you problems in your life really is step 1. And that's the biggest step of all! You're already there. Yes, it stinks that the UK National Health won't help while you are 'functioning'. We're starting to have the same problem with health care here in the US, too.

Still, you can get help. There are online organizations. We may not be professionals here, but we can and will try to help support and validate you through this time. Through, I say, because you CAN get through it. And, you will still be a woman. And you will still be lovable. And you will finally, finally begin to see your own worth - that you can know you are worthy of genuine, healthy love.

Come back, check in, let us be a part of this healing you know needs to happen. We've been there (I'm nearly 50). We've done a lot of the same stuff. We've felt the way you do right now. YOU ARE NORMAL in that your reactions to your past make sense given that past. But, today is all about today. Change IS possible. Change usually starts when YOU learn that YOU ARE A PERSON OF VALUE. You are more than the sum of any mistakes that may have been made up until today. Behind and under those acts lies the true you. She's trying to find her way out.

[sanmagic7]

 

wife2 said it beautifully, and i totally agree.  hope you make it back here.  big hug.