I can't close my eyes, ever *triggers*

[Dee]

Recently I have been working on sleep and I found out once again that I am not normal (imagine that).  I never close my eyes, if I have to it is only for seconds; I have to see.  What I found out today that is really not normal, is I don't close my eyes to fall asleep.  I lay there and stare at the door until I just fall asleep.  It is kinda like a baby who fights sleep and eventually sleep gives in.  I started doing this when I was young and would watch the door, trying to stay as still as possible, waiting for what I knew was eventually coming. 

I am disheartened today thinking that maybe my sleep issues are too ingrained to ever really have relief.  I don't know what it is like to relax at night.  It isn't so much the stress of the day or the stress of tomorrow, it is feeling like I might not survive the night.  When the morning comes I am temporarily ecstatic that I made it.  I just cannot imagine peaceful sleep with pleasant dreams.

[Three Roses]

I also sometimes wonder if there has been just too much time, too much damage, to much everything for me to undo... then I remember the recent findings about neuroplasticity and the workings of the human brain - and I smile.

We can do this. I'm standing with you, Dee.

[radical]

That's so awful, Dee, being too afraid to close your eyes.  I really believe you'll get there.  You are so strong.

We can work on this damn sleep thing together huh?
Here is my favourite emoticon for you:  . 

One day we'll both regularly close our eyes, feel at peace, and wake refreshed eight or nine hours later!

Till then - 

[sanmagic7]

can i join this happy sleep party?  it would be so nice.

when i was young, i did what you are describing, dee, just keeping my eyes open until they finally closed of their own volition.  i wasn't afraid, tho, or at least i don't remember being so.  it was more like the baby you spoke of.  but i did it into my adulthood.  maybe there's something there i don't recognize.

i have slept tensely for many years, however.   i used to wake up with my fists clenched.  some of it was mother sleep - always on alert for a peep out of one of the girls.  took it all on as my responsibility.  but, i also know that as all this kept happening, i continually stored tension in my body cuz i had nowhere else to put it.  weird how these things affect us.  still struggling with sleeping.   it would be nice (unreal!) to sleep 8 or 9 hrs. at a stretch.

i do hope you find some sense of peace about this eventually.  my wish for you. 

[radical]

You are most welcome to join, Sanmagic. :-)

I know what you mean about tense sleep.  I wake with pain and feel worse than before.

I found some u-tube edmr videos that I'm going to try to help me wind down.  I know 'candy crush' can be hypnotic  and soothing when I'm very tired and I wondered when I read about how the inventor discovered and refined the technique (on herself), if it he effect came from searching the screen, my eyes always moving, during such a gentle and mindless game.  Watching moving dots,  (and not lining up lollies) might take it to a new level.

I'd like to see if I can get used to it, to gently ease into using it to calm painful memories and obsessive thoughts.  Not big things, but it might be useful to be able to settle my troubled mind sometimes, if it works.

Sleep is a big issue for so many of us with cPTSD, and getting enough regular, peaceful sleep would make such a difference to everything else.  I hope you find peaceful sleep, too, Sanmagic.

[Dee]

I'll look at this more tomorrow, but all I can say right now is I am smiling through the tears.  A little too teary to really read, but still a smile.  Sleep party, love it

[sanmagic7]

yay!  so glad to be part of this.  i already take meds for sleep because of dancing legs syndrome, have been using them for over 20 yrs.  they really help - before that, i didn't sleep for 20 yrs., was literally falling asleep in my office at work in the afternoons.  finally, some doc had me do a sleep test overnight and discovered that my legs were twitching almost twice the accepted amount, and that was continually waking me up without me realizing it all night long.  so, the meds help - at least i can get about 6 hrs. of sleep/night sometimes, but i have to have a nap every day as well.  i feel rested about 3-4 hrs./day at most.  too often, tho, i'm only sleeping 4-5 hrs. a night.  it's just miserable.

i do repetitive video games as well for soothing my brain.  you may have something there.  and thanks for the tip on the youtube emdr for relaxation - i may have to look that up. 

and, dee, we'll get there together.  zzzzz . . .  visualizing a perfect night's sleep for all of us.  how lovely would that be! 

[radical]

You get restless legs too?

Meds don't knock me out, I think I'd need a general anaesthetic.  I've averaged about 2 hours a  night for two years now (sometimes four, sometimes none).  I sometimes think I might just lose my mind completely if I can't find a way to sleep.

i feel better that we are all in this together.  I've just watched the sun rise, though I've been up for hours, but felt peaceful because I just KNOW we will get through to the other side of this.

I love this gentle song, it plays in the back of my mind sometimes.  Bic Runga -'When Will I Get Some Sleep'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzTUSR3fbfU

[Dee]

In image rehearsal therapy (IRT) I created a safe place.  Now I practice going to my safe place.  It is important to incorporate smells, sounds, feelings.  For me it is in the woods with small animals, birds, leaves rustling, sun glimmering through the leaves, and water rushing over rocks in a creek.  I practice this a few times a day.  It would be better if I could close my eyes but I can fix my eyes on one point on the floor.

I can sleep with blood pressure medication.  It lowers my blood pressure to a point it makes my dreams hazy and I fall back to sleep quickly.  The problem is I already have fairly low blood pressure, so it makes it a little dangerous.  Also, I am wiped out during the day.  I am hoping this comes through and I can at least get the sense of a safe place before I go to sleep and perhaps change my dreams as well.  I am not at that point of determining my dreams, just working on imagery. 

[sanmagic7]

my heart just goes out to everyone.  this sleep thing is the worst.  we have to beat it!  that's why my naps are so important to me, imperative, even.  i've had a shrink tell me i needed to work on my 'sleep hygiene' so that i didn't take naps anymore, as she handed over more pills.  one doc asked me if i didn't have enough to do during the day! 

my regular bedtime is between 10 and 11, and if i could i'd probably sleep till 6 or 7, which would be a full night's sleep.  but, because of my husband's work, the alarm goes off at 4:45 every single morning - he works 2 jobs 7 days/week.  it just messes with my circadian rhythm, and i know what's coming, and i hate hearing his alarm so i'm unconsciously waking up before it goes off.  or, because of adrenal fatigue, i'm waking up around 3, and i feel wide awake. 

it's just nuts, and can drive people nuts.  sleep deprivation, after all, has been used forever as a form of torture.  and that's what's happening to us - systematic torture.  is it any wonder that too many times our symptoms seem out of control or magnified way out of proportion?  our brains can't work correctly on too little sleep.  glug!

i love your idea of a safe place, dee.  i love the woods as well, but my sound would be the gentle lapping  of a lake on the shore.  i'm going to try that.  it sounds so soothing.  and, i'll check out your song, too, radical.  i also used one of the youtube emdr videos, emdr in nature.  it did help, and i'm going to use it again.  good luck to you.  i hope it helps you as well.  there was one i would especially not advocate using because it encouraged digging into a traumatic memory, and i think that needs to be done with an emdr therapist.  but the one i found was a woodland scene, creek running through it, lovely sights and sounds, and it was all about releasing pain, anger, and fear, and being in control.  i liked it a lot.  there's another one with ocean sounds, and i'm gonna check that one out tomorrow.  i hope you get some relief. 

[Dee]

Oh, the sleep hygiene speeches and handouts.  I think it is wonderful for people who have never been here to tell me what to do.  I know it is based on science, but does science account for nighttime abuse?  I do actually follow much of it, but not all.  For example, I have an iHome that is a light that I can change the color of the light and the intensity.  I keep it at a low, soft blue.  It is imperative for me to have that.  When I wake up and don't know where I am, I find the light and from there I can piece my surroundings back together. 

I did have my therapist understand this, unlike others.  She suggested a soft, calming, music on a timer.  However, because I still have not untangled all my accounts from my ex I can't download music.  I did think about seeing if I can order one of those sound things, like ocean waves.  However, I don't want the ocean, but a creek would be great.

[Three Roses]

I love to have anything by Liquid Mind playing softly while I sleep.

https://youtu.be/gXYu7k-O4iw

Your phone speaker can't do it justice, put in your ear buds

[sanmagic7]

there are also different things on youtube that last 8 hrs. or so, music or various soothing brainwave sounds, or sounds of nature that might be a nice background noise for you.  your blue light to help you find your way in the dark sounds great.  when i'm home alone, like this week, i keep a light on in another room that barely shines into the room where i sleep.  still, i can see it if i wake, and it calms me.  we'll keep at this till we get it!

[MLG83]

Even though it says non-habit-forming Unisom is the only thing that allows me to sleep at night

[silentrhino]

I don't sleep, I know my body sleeps but my mind doesn't. my night terrors are extremely severe for most of my life but especially the past four years.  I wake up screaming nightly and usually can't remember where I am, even if I've had a "good" day out in the world.  I take sleep meds, anxiety meds and whatever else I can use to sleep.  Either that or I just pass out eventually after two to three days of no sleep at all.  It's *.