Is it like this for anyone else?

[joyful]

So I really don't know if this is dissociation or not. I have very real feelings that I'm in a dream. It's hard to describe but there are moments when I'm like "wait, this is real?" I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I just have like fuzzy, detached, confused feelings. Does anyone else get that? Is it dissociation?

[joyful]

Sorry, one more thing. I usually have a really good memory and can remember conversations, but when conversations are deeply upsetting, I forget the whole thing. I remember that it happened, I remember how I felt, but I could not tell you a single word of what was said. Is that the same type of thing? I really have no idea if its even related...

[mourningdove]

So I really don't know if this is dissociation or not. I have very real feelings that I'm in a dream. It's hard to describe but there are moments when I'm like "wait, this is real?" I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I just have like fuzzy, detached, confused feelings. Does anyone else get that? Is it dissociation?

Makes sense to me. It sounds like it could be derealization, which is a form of dissociation. I get it a lot. In fact, it has become the norm for me.

Derealization is the sense of the world not being real. Some people say the world looks phony, foggy, far away, or as if seen through a veil. Some people describe seeing the world as if they are detached, or as if they were watching a movie (

http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=76#dereal

Not sure about the memory thing, though it's very common for memory problems to go along with dissociation.

What is dissociative amnesia?

Amnesia refers to the inability to recall important personal information that is so extensive that it is not due to ordinary forgetfulness. Most of the amnesias typical of dissociative disorders are not of the classic fugue variety, where people travel long distances, and suddenly become alert, disoriented as to where they are and how they got there. Rather, the amnesias are often an important event that is forgotten, such as abuse, a troubling incident, or a block of time, from minutes to years. More typically, there are micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a conversation is forgotten from one moment to the next. Some people report that these kinds of experiences often leave them scrambling to figure out what was being discussed. Meanwhile, they try not to let the person with whom they are talking realize they haven't a clue as to what was just said.

(That's the next entry at the same link.)

[Dee]

When I don't hear a conversation it is usually panic.  My T helped me identify it recently.  I look okay on the outside, I nod, but inside it is panic.  She said it is a form of a panic attack.  If I look back I can identify the trigger.

I also can sit with people at a table and I sort of look past them.  It's like they are there and then they aren't.  I think that is dissociation. 

[joyful]

Thank you Dee and mourningdove! That was a really helpful link. 

[woodsgnome]

All of what's been discussed in this thread reflects huge aspects of my life for soooo long. Only within the last couple of years have I been able to brake the over-analyzing impulse. In other words, I'm more accepting of myself, but have also been able, painfully/slowly, to reach out of my 'iceberg' existence and function in the outer reality, even if it doesn't seem like 'my' reality. This of course can be scary, upsetting, and disorienting; but I feel more confident my iceberg/balloon tendencies are only a natural outcome of trauma that actually aided my survival. Denying that would be like reopening the wounds that caused it in the first place.

Sometimes what works best is when I forget trying so hard to critique everything I do; that's the Inner Critic's stance, to go over and over what I'm doing wrong, creating a category of good/bad and putting myself on the bad side all the time. Still seems slow, at times it's very discouraging, but I've plodded along to better accept what's called dissociation as a huge but okay part of what life has been like. Yet it doesn't precisely define my existence anymore, either; it's there but it certainly isn't right or wrong, and I'm not a bad person because of it.

I'm still learning to go easy on myself and slack off the habit of constant self-criticism. While that's my new attitude, some days I feel incapable of accepting myself that way--it's still so new. The alternative--what I'm working towards--is viewing myself as already complete and especially as a good person being who I can be as best I can; ideally oriented more to possibility than staying trapped inside all the time. And no longer treating any difficulty as a failure.

[Dee]

Woodsgnome,

Your post was inspiring.  I so often think of myself as bad and a failure.  I am trying to remember to think in percentages and not "all or nothing."  I think your new attitude is terrific and I hope to adopt a similar one.

[joyful]

I love that, woodsgnome.

[Fightsong]

I don't know how you grade dissociation and spent a while wondering 'do i / dont i?  And it seemed really important. Now I know this - that I spend a lot of time - out of my head and out of my body / just 'somewhere else', not present I suppose.  I haven't always noticed it but I do now- sometimes. I suspect its a technique I developed to get through as a kid, and I suspect it explains why I don't remember such a lot. Because I wasn't really there. I feel sad that I have lost 'memories' that would have been nice ones -  of my adult life mainly - because of this.  Since I've been recognizing it I've been trying some of those 'grounding techniques' - which I always sort of thought of as for other people who were REALLY dissociating. Like - touching 5 different textures / naming 5 different things you can hear - whatever - know what? It helps. But I have to realize I've 'gone' before I can do it. And that's the rub.

[Helen]

Joyful, in therapy sessions when I dissociate, my T can usually tell. I start saying, "ahh what did you say," (I guess because of the distancing in derealization) and I lean forward to try to hear her better. Also, sometimes in conversations with a friend, I miss parts of the conversation. Suddenly I realize that I have no idea what the person just said, even when I wasn't bored or not listening. There are just gaps. Makes me end conversations so I don't appear stupid.