Trying to make some sense of it all...

[Blossoming]

So glad that you have an appointment with EAP therapist. And that you are feeling a little better.

I get a lot of comfort from reading posts, and posting myself here. My therapist thinks its good for me to communicate with others who have the same diagnosis.

Thanks for the reply joeybird. It's great here. I'm definitely learning a lot and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one experiencing this.

[Wife#2]

Blossoming, in a way, we have similar stories. Both of us survived neglect, both of our husbands survived abuse. I'm hoping that your husband will see the positive changes in you and realize the benefits of therapy for himself. Mine, so far, does not.

I am happy that you are here and have begun posting. I am grateful for the opportunity to watch you learn and grow. I think, with your determination even in the face of a fawn/freeze tendency, to stand up for yourself, that you will get to the healthier place you seek.

[Blossoming]

That was so nice to read Wife#2. I'm actually a second wife myself if I'm guessing right and that is what your username means?
Our marriage has improved in many ways (from nearly ending) over the last couple years since I started coming back to reality. I guess I've been in recovery of sorts because by going through eating disorder recovery I had to start facing a lot of things I had buried long ago. I'm not sure if my husband will ever want to work on his own issues but I can't let that stop me from what I need to do. All I can do is just be a good example I suppose. Thanks for the lovely reply.

[Wife#2]

Blossoming, yes, you are right - I am also a second wife. A custodial step-mom as well.

I agree that you can't wait for him to join you as you recover. Yes, hopefully, you will set a good example and he will like the positive changes he sees in you, perhaps enough to begin his own recovery in earnest. Thank you for allowing us to be watchers to your process. We will certainly be here to support and encourage you along your journey.

[Blossoming]

Thanks Wife#2. I'm so grateful to have found this forum! 

*TW for talk about martial issues*

Last night I woke myself up crying while having a nightmare but I can't remember the details and I fell right back to sleep. I noticed I was sweating too. I'm doing ok today despite that. Nights have been hard for me for a long time. Back in May I started on an antidepressant (Remeron) that I take before bed and it helps with sleep. I'm not trying to blame my husband but I basically started on that because after discovering him using porn in the middle of the night one time I would become hypervigilant every night thinking he couldn't wait for me to fall asleep so he could get his pornography fix.

I put myself through all kinds of mental/emotional torture over that but the three C's have come in handy coping with it lately. Also I'm feeling more strong in myself and if that is what he really wants and needs there's nothing I can do to change it. I won't live that way forever though because that's just not what I want for my life or in a marriage. Also admittedly I don't know how much is me being suspicious, hypervigilant and expecting rejection. I'm willing to consider that I might not be seeing the situation clearly. He has gotten sloppy with his porn use a couple times to the point where I found out without even trying though. What a dilemma to be in right now.

He is going out of town on business for a couple days this week so maybe I will see if I sleep better without worrying about him. I was going to go with him but the day after I booked my flight my dog developed a huge tumor on her belly. She is having it surgically removed tomorrow so I decided I should stay home with her rather than leave her recovering at the kennel.

Fortunately my counseling is only 8 days away!   

[Wife#2]

That is a serious challenge, Blossoming. I am also glad that your appointment is getting closer and closer. Hopefully, some actual quality sleep, or at least rest, will help with your perspective and with your determination to do what is best for YOU long-term.

Peace to you, friend.

[Blossoming]

You're right Wife#2, I do have to figure out what is best for me eventually.

I actually can't believe I wrote that out yesterday.  It has been weighing heavily on me for quite some time. It's probably not complicated but it sure feels complicated. I guess I feel a lot of shame or embarrassment about it for some reason even though logically I know it's not about me.
I've realized recently that I really don't have any safe relationships in my life. That's hard to admit to as well but there you have it. Hopefully through therapy (if I can figure out how to afford long-term therapy) I can start to form some. I do feel safe within myself though and that hasn't always been the case so it's a start.

[Hazy111]

I'm not trying to blame my husband ??

because youre used to blaming yourself !!  internal critic?

Youre right to be upset

[Blossoming]

I'm not trying to blame my husband ??

because youre used to blaming yourself !!  internal critic?

Youre right to be upset

Whoa, Hazy111 you're so right. I am blaming myself even when I think I'm not! And if I'm totally honest with myself I am actually very mad and hurt and I'm pretty sure I have every right to feel that way!
I think the floodgates are opening....

[sanmagic7]

i was married to 2 sex addicts.  hub #2 was actually diagnosed, and was sent to SA meetings.  he would stay up until i went to bed in order to 'get it on' with his porn ladies.  i call it a form of cheating.  i once read about misogynists, how there are basically 2 kinds - physical (hub #1 - he cheated on me with other, real women) and intellectual (hub #2 - he cheated on me with video women).  either way, they would rather have sex with someone else than with their wife.

it's disheartening to be a willing wife and know that her husband prefers to 'get it on' with someone else, no matter what form that takes.    it steals integrity, credibility, and trust from the relationship, and messes with the feelings of desirability, femininity, and the feeling of being part of a team for the wife/lover.  it sounds like in your case it's also causing major anxiety, watchfulness, and uneasiness.   my heart is with you on this one, blossoming.  these are my opinions, for what they're worth.

[Blossoming]

Thanks for sharing your story sanmagic7. I truly can not fathom living through that twice!!! 
I've got myself in a bit of a no win situation at the moment because I'm basically dependent on him financially and as much as I hate that it's the truth. I wish it were as easy as me just going out and finding a full time job but there really aren't any in my field that I'm capable of doing  right now. One of my goals has been to find something in a different field but as you can imagine changing careers in middle age comes with it's own set of challenges!
I think he is the intellectual type but I could be wrong. I know when my body changed in eating disorder recovery it definitely seemed to have an impact on our sex life. I no longer blame myself for that though because it's unrealistic to expect a person to look forever 18 and I refuse to be compared to pornography actresses younger than my daughter! I talked to him about my concerns before and his porn use seemed to stop or decrease for a while but in the true nature of an addict he keeps going back. I'm sure since you've experienced it yourself you know exactly what I mean. I refuse to let it destroy me but it certainly hurts. He has been gone on a business trip the last couple days and it's been so nice to not have to worry about what he is off doing and trying to hide or if he is going to be drunk! It may sound pessimistic but at this point I don't see him changing.

I'm hoping in my upcoming counseling I can figure out how to get regular therapy, if there are any programs for job training so I can get into a different line of work or even if I should consider disability. All I know at this point is that things need to change and I need to be able to take care of myself. If my husband wants to be part of that he is going to have to make some changes too!

[sanmagic7]

good for you, blossoming!  i love your spirit. 

possible triggers here - sex stuff!

no, addicts won't change unless they hit bottom.  in fact, the addiction will get worse in some way, shape, or form.  hug #2, i found out, began lusting after our daughters, talking about them sexually, saying inappropriate sexual stuff in front of them.  the first time this happened, my oldest daughter was 6.  we were in couples therapy at the time, and, after i'd yelled at him for doing this, i brought it up with our therapist.  she pretty much brushed it away by saying 'that isn't appropriate'.  that was it.

so many years later, i know now that she should have explored that with him or had him referred to a sex therapist immediately!  (it turned out she's a narc and a misogynist as well, preferring men to women, and i'm sure that's why she just brushed it aside.  but, she's another cog in my c-ptsd wheel!)  and as it was, our family was one madness on top of another, and i didn't really get hold of all this until i was well out of the family, and was told some of the other things he's said to and about both our daughters.  i'm not in any way saying this might or will happen with your situation.  this is only my experience.

so, i don't believe you're being pessimistic as much as being realistic.  i'm glad you're having a break from that sneaking and hiding stuff - that is so awful!  and i'm glad you're not blaming yourself and body changes for his behavior.  with both my hubs, i was young and in good shape.  that physical stuff makes no difference (that therapist, at one point, was trying to make me feel responsible, telling me to buy some sexy lingerie, giving me a big lecture on what men like - i'd already had a drawer full!  but i didn't know any better then, and took her words to heart).   

good luck with getting financially independent.  that will make so much difference for you, i'm sure.  in the meantime, hang tough.  your time will come.

[Blossoming]

Thanks for giving more detail sanmagic7. The thought of someone lusting after children makes me want to vomit. I'm glad you got out of that marriage and away from such a horrible T. Fortunately my daughter is 26 and grown and gone so I don't have to worry about that.

My husband got home from his trip late Saturday night so it's been back to all the weirdness with him being secretive. I'm trying my best just to take care of myself and not worry about his issues. Often though when I walk in the room he hides his phone and starts acting nervous or guilty so that's a regular occurrences that is triggering. He was up to something fishy tonight and now I can't sleep because my heart is pounding so hard.

The good news is I had my first counseling session today. It was pretty much an intake interview but at least it's a start and I have another appointment next week.

I did have a big insight in therapy today when I realized my mom always treated me like there was something wrong with me and even at times would say it outright. I've always known that deep down but I think voicing it helped me solidify it in my mind and begin to see how it has impacted my entire life. I've spent my whole life either trying to fix myself (physically) or denial just trying to escape my wrongness. There was never anything wrong other than the issues that arise from being raised to believe I was flawed or not good enough. This is a huge step because maybe I can now begin to challenge those false ingrained beliefs.

[Three Roses]

My dad did much the same thing, belittling me and calling it humor; putting me down and making me feel like there was something inherently wrong with me. Who does that to a child?! Much less, their own flesh and blood.

You deserved a mother who was kind and thoughtful, and helped you realize your potential and see your worth.

[Blossoming]

It means a lot to be heard and know that I'm not the only one Three Roses.

Sorry you lived through that too. I hope there is a way to change those false beliefs instilled in us in childhood. I know intellectually it's not true but now I want to learn how we can change this false narrative that impacts our lives.
ETA: I'm not asking anyone for an answer just wondering out loud.