Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[Wife#2]

  I'm cheering because of the hope and self-preservation I see in this post. You are finally coming to see that TEA is an extraordinary woman with talents to offer the world and love to offer friends and that potential SO out there. I hope you like the TEA you are uncovering as much I like her. 

[tea-the-artist]

I'm actually taken aback right now (well, about an hour ago). that made me realize something wife#2

all these imaginings, while are often "ideal me," are even more so a genuine me. in particular, the tea who's no longer stifled under trauma on the daily basis. as much as Ive come to understand self care recently, many of my genuine wants is to be cared about (even cared for, though not babied), standing up for myself, just living freely.

and it's true... i've seen the genuine me. it's when i laugh so hard i'm in tears (lately i can thank the podcast MBMBAM for that!), and when i cry when i truly feel loved and valued, and valuable! when i take pride in my art, patting myself on the back for learning watercolors in just a year. when i wanna run and tell everyone my accomplishments! i know she feels pretty big!

but stifled under trauma, is the me who kind of sits motionless, not really sure what i'm thinking about, but thinking about something. holds her breath around people, feels small, like it's not worth it to tell anyone what's she's accomplished.. because "who cares?" that she needs to be entertaining, that she's not entertaining enough (and wants to make her trauma funny, even though that's self invalidating!).

so often i get a little burst of "I WANNA BE REAL BIG!!!" and flail my arms around and just do whatever i want! i wanna run around down a hill covered in wildflowers with my best friends and kind of scream? that's what i'm feeling right now! that i want to scream and yell (just as, but not as quietly, as i did the other day when i opened my windows to such beautiful beautiful spring winds! MAN it was refreshing i even cried! i wanna cry now!)

it's like little tea's wanting to burst out! all these feelings I just wanna feel on the daily, even if i get exhausted! that's what sleep's for! and the next day i'll be rejuvenated. i do feel beautiful! and i feel super corny and i particularly love that feeling! i'm the whole crop!

[Wife#2]

  Even though you're stuck in that caustic environment for a while longer, you are uncovering the Tea you are going to be free to be soon. I am so glad that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will get to be your authentic you EVERY DAY, ALL DAY. It will happen. You've come a long way, friend. It was hard work and the journey isn't over yet. Still, I celebrate the distance you have travelled. 

[tea-the-artist]

possibly suppressed a llot today after the nightmare. i am glad i guess to have fallen asleep after 2 hours of crying and trying to stay awake. i just got too tired and woke up 2 hours later feeling still sluggish and out of it.

the day was ok, i painted in my art journal and listened to a comedy podcast pretty much to keep my mind off it. i definitely kept getting the picture in my mind  throughout the day. at one point earlier one of the hosts mentioned railroads and i started crying so there's that. it was really hard in the morning and now it's gotten harder at night now.

it feels like the taking steps forward, and then 500x steps backward, like i'm reverting. but i know i'm not. i just feel a new kind of terrified. still childlike but new for me. similar in that no one was there to comfort me, but the nightmare just was not a real thing. but it felt real. i wont talk about it until i feel Ok to, but i don't think i will. it's something i need to get to the bottom of. why did whatever my anxiety is that i haven't yet addressed have to manifest like this? it's horrifying and it's not fair. i can't even think or write clue words without getting upset.

tomorrow i see my friends again and since they live in the city depending how i feel i may need to tell them to slow down on the expressway. i had a couple imaginings where i started panicking in the car, and again later at their place after hearing a train go by. this really sucks. i'm sorry to my self 2 years ago when it happened and brushed it off because it was quite the most minor accident that could ever happen to F and i. but still got shaken into a new hypervigilance, and thrown into new and confusing and horrifying nightmares that don't make much sense right now. i'll figure it out when I'm feeling stronger and up to facing it like i faced the memories of my abuse.

[Wife#2]

HUGS - we're here, with you, hands on your shoulder if that is a comfort to you. All your previous success still counts. It just does.

I do wish I could hug you in real life. The sadness in your post makes me want to reach out to you, to comfort you, to let you know you are wonderful, just as you are, even in this struggling moment. I'm glad you took those minutes to post here. I'm glad you trust us enough. Trust yourself enough to reach out.

We do care, Tea. We care about you and we are hoping today isn't as sad or awful. HUGS.

[tea-the-artist]

I think i'm on a roll of serious suppression in the last few days. Today's the last day of work this week so I think finally I'll be able to sit down with myself and assess some things.

I attempted to tell MG and Pansy on Sunday when we did some baking but shied around some specific details. I haven't gotten any blues about it since late monday and the fear of sleeping seems to have passed, though the ruined sleep is hitting me since I was really tired and kind of cranky yesterday.

I think what I'll do is write down all the symbols that I can remember and look at some dream symbolism. That's always helped me get past the "acknowledgement" phase and hopefully end up telling M about F's driving. sometimes I feel like I'm close to flying out of my body backwards out of the car.. There's a certain bump we always hit on the way to work that always scares me that we might lose control.


well in some other news, I found a job that's hiring downtown. I haven't told F yet, but I've been working on my resume which is 2 pages and "looks good so far" according to M. I may apply today or later this week and hopefully I can get some good news soon after. Feeling almost a bit miserable re my brother, but today's the last exam day and he just got 3/4 certificates yesterday (barely passed but I'm still proud that he did!) so hopefully he himself will get a job soon too so I can stop worrying I'm moving too ahead of him.

the job seems nice. it's a library job and I hope the pay is decent. M hopes so too so to cover transportation costs but I subtly brought up moving out so I wouldn't have to pay for too much of that. No response of course, but if the interview is successful and they want to hire me, I'm for sure moving out and for sure dropping the My Friends Will Let Me Move In Rent Free [For A While] news on them. I keep getting signs that this is a good thing for me (mostly coincidental "Do what you want~ Live your life~" type lyrics in new songs I've listened to).


Every time I visit the apartment I still get that homey vibe. I've noticed the younger-brother-older-sister dynamic my friends have a lot more clearly than before. It's almost upsetting truthfully, but I think that's my IC feeling fretful that one argument means that's the end of the relationship and the world. Raised voices still make me shrink, but I've imagined some times standing up for myself or just saying "Don't raise your voice at me!" I'm still learning to relax around them too and baking on Sunday I was pretty good at it. Just small things like casually leaning on the counter or just touching areas of the kitchen and putting some of the groceries away. Even turning off the running water because it was bugging me even though city tenants don't pay water bills.

I even put two watercolor sketchbooks into the drawer of the desk in my new room. I made one of them last week and figured I wouldn't use it for a while. So now it's the 2 books and a $60 watercolor palette that I'm keeping in the apartment. Kind of to make a mark on my space.

But that homey vibe is still there. I hope I can move in soon. I can just see a new self emerging as I get settled. More genuine and free and happier than before. Busier even? I kind of wish this job I have kept me busy instead of watching students test all day. I can still see myself painting commissions or laying in my bed with the wind open, getting a lake breeze.

If things go well with this new job hopefully.. I'll attain that. well. I think the reality is is that I will attain that. I don't think I won't ever move out. I donno how but I know all the possibilities that could happen.

[Wife#2]

Oh, Tea, that's great news about the potential job! I also hope it pays enough to be the final piece to this moving out puzzle. I'm so glad you're seeing how it CAN be between close friends, even between siblings, when there are healthy emotional systems at work. I do understand the envy, but you already put that to bed, so that's wise and wonderful!

I also can see you sprawled across your bed, paper at an angle to catch the light better, breeze billowing the curtain edge and you painting.  All in the new space shared by friends.  The goal is achievable. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU can make a life for yourself and succeed. Surrounded by friends who genuinely care about you (as your friends MG and Pansy do), you can do nearly ANYTHING you set your mind to do. 

[tea-the-artist]

Turns out the job is a no. The resume "isn't ready" and isn't specific to graphic design, so when employers read it they may assume I just want the job to get  money.... I can't even be bothered to get annoyed at that right now. though it did set me a few mile long steps back in terms of the prospect of moving out, feeling like because he doesn't want me to apply for the job, I'm never going to move out.

I didn't bother to face the nightmare facts/symbolism this weekend. I think out of laziness but I was on my period and really couldn't be bothered to do it. I don't feel so sad or triggered about it much now. I've been doing a lot to not think about it so in the even that I approach the subject again, it'll put me out of sorts, I'm sure. due to all the suppression I suppose.

really just wanted to get to this part though. I'm coming to terms with gender and my sexual orientation and it made me think about the really awful thing F said to me about not wanting a gay daughter (and a much worse statement preceded  that, that still haunts me). I know I deserve to be mad. that's fine. i think as usual I'm just sad and exhausted about it. how sad it is thinking about the compulsive heteronormativity I went through. Still go through. Still trying to understand my genuine feelings. Still trying to HAVE genuine feelings about people. that's tiring. policing myself "Make sure you smile!!! You need to feel like you appreciate them! You love them, act like it! Smile! Feel good about them! Feel genuine!!" that's tiring.


the other day, I thought about our life without F in the picture. i've pictured this numerous times over the years. maybe since I was in high school. I always felt bad imagining if something bad had happened and it was only M, bro and me at home. the other day I heard M and bro chatting about something as I was reading in my room and it felt kind of nice to be honest. I could hear how at ease bro was. he may still have VERY VALID frustrations and grudges against M, but second to me, she is still easy to talk to. she's not the type to really judge, but often has a case of not knowing how to really emotionally be there for us. but still, I can see how lighthearted the 3 of us are, and then when F comes downstairs or wherever the 3 of us are at, and the mood/atmosphere will change. And I really hate that. I see it in bro's eyes and his tone of voice. He gets shorter with me/M or the conversation ends quickly and he retreats (isolates) upstairs. I do the same, but not as quickly or typically as he does.

so I keep having these daydreams (very very short lasting) about it being just the 3 of us. M would be more emotionally strong to help us. At least, there wouldn't be someone else making her second guess whether her own children deserve the unfortunately "optional" emotional love and support. I try not to think about it too much because I don't want to get caught up in it. It'd never happen, and part of me feels like if it did, I'd be guilty of it just by thinking about it excessively. how awful am I? is it awful even? the abuse doesn't change the fact that he did provide for me.

but still his providing for me doesn't change the abuse. doesn't cancel out how worthless I grew up feeling (and still feel). how much harder he made my life, so much unnecessarily harder!!! it doesn't change that at all. i know that.

i just wish things were different. i wish he was weaker and my M, brother and me were stronger. if they were stronger, I'd be OK moving forward with things but that's not the case.

[Wife#2]

Oh, Tea.... HUGE hugs.

I've done the same, regarding my husband. I know that cloud-entered-the-room feeling, too. As the wife instead of the daughter, I can tell you this much. Your mother is VERY aware of it also. She simply isn't strong enough to oppose your father. His Narc talents have drained your mother of some critical parts of her humanity.

There is no shame in imagining him on a rest-of-his-life trip somewhere remote with no phones or internet. Like Castaway. Except no escape from that island.

I'm so sorry that he keeps saying such things to hurt you. I wonder, because I'm an adult and a parent and see things from a different direction, if he isn't aware of your sexuality and trying to goad you into responding to his hurtful remarks. I've seen plenty of goading in my house. One of my proudest moments for DSS24 is when he heard a negative comment about gays from his father and stopped him right there. 'How do you know I'm not gay, Dad? How do you know anything about me or my friends? How many gay people have you known, besides Mom's friend? Don't talk about what you know nothing about, Dad.'

I was FLOORED, but in a great way. I was so proud of him that when his father tried to defend his bigotry, I stopped him. I reminded him that everyone who is gay isn't running around shoving it into people's faces. And he has no right to judge people. Suddenly, the obvious bigotry stopped. He'd been shamed by his son for his bigotry. Now, the worst he'll say is, 'I don't care who a person sleeps with, but just don't put it in my face and tell me I have to like it'. That is as near to open-minded as he can get. DSS24 can live with that.

By the way, DSS24 isn't gay, but his point was our proof of that is very limited (I only happen to know the sister of the last girl he crushed on, who was unfortunately in love with someone else). And, I've let him know that I could care less WHO he loves, or their gender, as long as they are good to him and he is good to them. That SHOULD be all a parent cares about for their child. To love and be loved well. This is what I hope for you, Tea. To love well and to be loved well. This is what you deserve!

[tea-the-artist]

im so off track with things but i just need to vent.

i only thought of it just a second ago as i'm sitting and proctoring tests, and i wiped under my eyes kind of dramatically... its weird. i had the thought that i am essentially a walking performance of some sort. like the entertaining fawn can't make any moves without it being thought of as an action being done under watching eyes. im going back to feeling un-genuine again, even though my new gender ID has been helping a lot to make me feel whole. but still so much that i do is such a performance. i dont even know if that's really a "bad" thing or not but i feel like i'm worked up about the stupidest thing of my trauma. when i stare out the window at work when its windy outside, staring for a long time, is that necessary?

im still thinking of all the places my small habits come from. what's genuine, what's not. genuinely, i haven't bothered to take more time understanding my trauma nor the recent nightmare. i dont even know if i'm scared about it anymore but really i'm not sure I want to find out. yesterday unexpectedly on the car ride home i had a sudden, very brief flashback. an overall feeling i had of my midteens. all the times i got into trouble and the times my F said he didn't care about my feelings, felt all that in just 2 seconds and 2 seconds more i felt so angry until i got in the house and got greeted by my brother who goofily "fell" up the stairs.

even writing that felt like a performance. i feel all the time so calculated.

but i guess that makes sense considering much of my actions were calculated in a self-preserving yet self sacrificing way.
now i just feel like i dont want to talk about anything. i can't say things are going super great but so far no one's yelled at me nor have there been any problems, but of course i feel tired. but i dont want to go into it. idk what that means, if i'm just taking another break or just avoiding it simply.

i know part of self care is taking care that my needs are met. and i donno. i'm exhausted suddenly so i'll see about writing again tonight.

[Wife#2]

Tea - that is going to be one of the hardest parts to overcome, and therefore not stupid!

This happens to me so much I named it. Going into 'performance' mode. My husband has observed this and calls me out on it. I just don't know any other way to be around my FOO. The part hubby hates is that it can take DAYS to get back to being me. And, most of the time, that's because I have to go back over and redefine who 'me' is.

Distance is the best overall cure for that sense that you aren't real, just an image put up for everyone to see. Those commercials for an antidepressant that shows sufferers putting up a happy face in front of their depression really hit home with me. That used to be me all the time. I've only in the past few years begun allowing my FOC to see that depression or that quietness or that gentleness that is part of my genuine self. The more time I get away from my FOO and don't even think about them, the more I feel safe and real being who I am.

You will find, when you finally are able to break free from your FOO, that it may be slow going while you figure out just who TEA genuinely is, but you'll sense that comfort and that soul-ease when you express something genuine. I won't lie, it's scary sometimes. That second-guessing when you want to be real, but don't know if it will be accepted by anyone, feels like the world will stop spinning. Stepping through the fear and doing it anyway is the warrior woman action. Those first few times you've already spoken your truth were probably like that. It does get easier. You do become more comfortable with the idea that they don't have to like you, but they do need to accept you for who you are or get out of  your life. Your FOO may never do that. OK. That's horrible, but it's horrible about who THEY are that they can't or won't. It's not a judgment on who you are. It's a reality of who THEY are.

[tea-the-artist]

thanks so much for the words of support and encouragement wife#2 

[tea-the-artist]

it feels like a big journey step, even though this is going to be just a long assessment of things. i don't know why i'm choosing to do it today of all days, but i've been pushing it off long enough and tomorrow i'm spending the day painting cards and flowers and figuring out how i'm going to manage on the the second of SEVEN spring/summer holidays in may-july. (holiday anxiety 2K17 continues).

going to talk about the nightmare. trains haven't seemed to trigger me so I think I'm good.


mom dad and I are driving somewhere. a lot of train tracks everywhere alongside the road we're driving. We get to an area with multiple tracks curving and leading here and there. It doesnt make sense at all, logically this would probably never appear in the real world. the area has train tunnels on the 3 walls in front and to the sides of where we came from. Suddenly trains are approaching very fast and it seems like they'll all crash but the tracks don't let them. There's some cars coming from behind and next to us. Theres a path for cars to go alongside the trains carefully, and we continued driving slowly, waiting for a train to pass. one of the cars, kind of old timey, drives past us and into the path of where a train was going to be. We were stunned and scared and it didn't take long for a train to come around from the left, and then behind us, to the right and run into the car mercilessly.  i think the car had tried to back up at the last minute but not in time. i was so horrified and i felt like i was screaming No no! but maybe just in my head.

i woke up right after that crying of course. now i'm crying and i don't know if it's from remembering the fear. In the last handful of years i've been getting through bad and weird dreams by looking at symbolism to help me at least get an idea of whatever inner turmoil it is i'm dealing with.

in a way I guess this dream couldn't have come at a better time. I definitely have been doing a lot of suppressing and after realizing "survival mode" isn't good enough, yet still going through with it, it might have messed with me. Reinforcing feelings that I'm going against my Self-That-Needs-Protecting by not moving forward with move out plans or jobs or projects etc etc. Like in a way, I'm colliding with myself maybe? Not that that meaning for the dream is 100% factual, but it's getting some gears in my brain moving so I can hopefully make an action soon.

The surviving thing. it entails pleasing and conforming and suffocating. Those are things FOO unknowingly (the first 2) want from me. And I guess inside, in my mind i've grown to fully understanding that can't be an option anymore. Self-sufficiency isn't sufficient in terms of protecting and suppressing my true self in order to survive here. I'm making a lot of nice, even though I'm still distant with F. I wish it could be easier and that I could be confident and just move forward. but of course that's not the case and somehow i have to muster up the strength to come out and say "I'm done here" and get on with my life.

truthfully I feel incredibly exhausted these days and maybe that's why ive been taking the easy way and suppressing and ignoring and coasting day to day. I have been doing a lot of work since september when I joined, and to have such a different perspective and understanding of things than I did before joining is still something kind of amazing. despite most struggles not changing or getting any easier/manageable.

i only just realized that if I were to go about things in a survival way, it wouldn't be until 2022 when I move out. I still have to finish school. get a job. save money. school would probably take 2-3 years if I'm lucky and end up being dedicated.

I guess that's where my bro and I are different. He's willing to bide his time and hold his tongue for as long as it takes until he can move on and out. He's endured a lot more than I have. Though just partly because I've been at his side. in this cold dark and suffocating place, there's at least one person here for him. one constant. it seems rude to bring it up like I'm a saint. i've failed in a lot of ways. though I guess those failures were things that shouldn't have been expected of me in the first place.

on the other hand, I just don't know if I'm willing like that. i speak out in ways that seem like my true and healthy self preservation skills are still there somewhere, mostly dormant and active at sporadic times. i'm impulsive, with the downfall of second guessing myself and my validity as a person. as an abused person. i've learned too much about abuse and neglect and trauma to NOT want do something about it now. i know what surviving is like, and what it's done to me and it isn't fair to continue it.

especially! most especially with the opportunity of moving out *snap* just like that. with a phone call. to rebuild under the support of friends. i donno when this is going to end. i thought it might be spring break 2 months ago. then maybe the end of this summer. it can't be 2018. it can't be 2022. or later than that. I don't even think i would change if I realized I had to stay here another year. i could use 6 months worth of confidence boosters just to be able to tell my parents i'm just thinking of moving out to start progressing in my life.

it's naive to think, but I imagine maybe they'd understand. even if I said "I really need to progress. I don't feel like I'm doing anything and time is going by, I'm almost 25." they see me in this crummy job. it's easy, but the pay isn't cutting it, nor is it helping us. if somehow I can get some job in the city. the idea of moving out and not having to pay rent for a while could help. i need to be OK with being told "No," that it doesn't mean i'm worthless or invalid. at least then, i'll be making moves to moving out. that'd be my priority.

i dont really know what to do now. its finally 1am so ive been writing this for 2 hours trying to process things and i'm not sure what the conclusion is really. I ended up suppressing and going against my true self, knowingly, and need to remedy that. suppressing in favor of just trying to exist day to day didn't work out the way I thought it would.

more talking to IC and keeping up with how she's doing. i need to get back on track with that. event the times i did get upset and emotional, i seemed to have maybe stifled her and I'm feeling out of touch for sure. I feel like things have gotten a lot harder, or more confusing. I know what to do, but I'm still at a loss.

[Wife#2]

I have some ideas of what the trains, tracks and old-fashioned car all represent, but those are MY ideas. This is your dream. What do you think they mean? Without looking them up in a dream-translator. (I know, because I'd be tempted to do that, too).

The trains are all fine, moving along their paths, every which-a-way, quickly as if motivated. They don't wreck, though it looks like they will all the time.

Your family is safe, as long as the car you're in doesn't hurry, doesn't push.

The old-fashioned car is either unable to move or unaware of the danger from staying still. It is mercilessly struck by trains.

Your heart goes out to the old-fashioned car. You want to help. You are horror-struck.

If you keep having this dream, it's important. Even if it's only with small changes. There is a theme in here for you to understand. Even understanding, I think we both know, doesn't mean the dream will stop, just that it won't hurt you so badly when it does recur.

HUGS, I can imagine how frustrating this figuring out the calendar thing can be. The only thing I can say is that my plan failed by a year. I was almost 31 the last time I moved out of my mother's house. BUT, it was still glorious. I was buying my own home. So, maybe the plans seem to be falling apart, being put on hold, or that your life is slipping past you. Still, even if this IS the case, you can find what will make all this delay, all this struggle worth it. Will it be escaping with friends who REALLY care about you? Will it be renting your own place and knowing you'll NEVER have to live with Mom and Dad again? Find that piece of the puzzle and hold onto it. That piece can be what gets you through however long your dream takes. Mine was delayed by a year. I don't regret that. A lot of good happened during that extra year. And the goal made it all worth even more to me.

I can only hope this dream helps you resolve some ideas and begins to lose it's fearsome qualities. 

[tea-the-artist]

a small note for recent reference. i decided i'm gonna reread this journal. just to get a perspective and see how things have changed for me mentally. a quote I had pulled out reminded me of an important task I had forgotten.

There are many codependents who understand their penchant for forfeiting themselves, but who seem to precipitously forget everything they know when differentiation is appropriate in their relationships. To break free of their subservience, they must turn their cognitive insights into a willingness to stay present to the fear that triggers the self-abdication of the fawn response, and in the face of that fear try on and practice an expanding repertoire of more functional responses to fear.

I think I've come pretty for, knowledge wise and self-sympathizing wise. I am a lot nicer to myself now than I was back in the fall. A bit stronger, at least in terms of caring about little tea. I read the first time I tried interacting with her, and I remember it kind of fondly. I think then I decided my dominant right hand would be the adult self, and my left hand would be my child self. When I self soothe and pat myself on the chest when I'm sad or frustrated, it's my dominant hand patting, covered by little tea's hand. Rubbing her hand with my dominant hand when I know a bad feeling is bubbling up. I do care about her.