Self-Care and Self-Educating, ch.1

[tea-the-artist]

i cant tell if much has changed. it's been almost two months since my last entry. i think possibly i've felt a little better for a longer period of time while i was away. i fell into the same trap i fell into sometime in november. i have a tendency to want to isolate when my fawn skills of pleasing and entertaining fail me.

i also can't tell if the hiatus was good for me or not. i think for the most part i was starting to calm down and attempt to just exist, but the identity issues got the better of me frequently, and still is. i can't tell if all through this time i was suppressing, considering i haven't written my feelings in a couple weeks.

i tried to see through my EFs logically, this is what they do... I've done nothing wrong... i don't deserve this... they are bad or wrong, and not me, and sometimes it worked. There's been a couple down times (both times, my brother confronted me for not talking to him [as my usual cheery self], and one of the times i got emotional in front of him again and for the2nd time i explained some things to him, hoping he wouldn't speak to me in certain ways or expect certain things from me all the time. at the time i felt like it ended ok, that we had finally a mutual understanding. that he finally had some insight that my growing up wasn't as shiny as he thought it was, compared to his own. there's been some frustration here and there, and i just for some reason cant tell if things have changed. sometimes he speaks meanly to me, out of some random frustration and i never get an answer why.

but... the identity issues are just resurfacing. almost constantly. like i keep needing to pick up something from someone else so i can feel that happiness, but not seeing the results pains me. and not being able to always detect that, or detect when my brain is putting 2 and 2 together is frustrating. i think that's where i start to isolate too. like i don't want any sort of influence because i'll feel myself trying to change but it wont work for me. and that's disappointing.

on the subject of moving out, i'm in the dream move out month. it's not looking like i'm budging. still waiting for one more reason, even though my dad's recent comments on DV added to the pile. i thought back numerous times to childhood, and felt incredibly sad and cried over some things and still don't budge. i wont beat myself up, but i still would be happier if i could get the ball rolling. just today i read one of my first journals i wrote when i started middle school, and realized the way i was writing was as though i was speaking to a friend that cared about the things i talked about. and just a couple years later when my parents confronted me after invading my journals and privacy, i felt like that friend was taken away. i kept writing, just in secretive ways and yet still "got caught" and eventually stopped sometime in high school and on and off picked it back up up to recently.

really i just feel so unstable. about a lot of things. as important as it is i wish i could just stop crying. today i got so sad while working on an art journal i started.i couldn't figure out why. i just feel so tired. genuinely tired of this fight. lately it's just started to feel like it's too much for me to deal with. i'm starting to feel and remember the lie that i'm just not worth fighting for. how tired i am of being self reliant. how everyone seems to be depending on me for something. how i am too much to depend on someone else.

i know i'm a strong person. everyone has tested my patience and my kindness and my trauma-caused forgiving nature. i know i've been pushed and pushed for two and a half decades now. but for some reason i just can't show how tired of it i am. any hint and i'm suddenly guilt tripped you don't love you're dad do you?... are you mad because i didn't wash the forks?...are you mad at me?... why are you so quiet?

a saying my brother and mom have consistently told me over the last few years was about people changing. dad's not going to change... nothing's going to change. you can't change your dad.... has anything changed since then? no. and every now and then this spark comes up. and i think about how i could change. i could be different. i could be the one that acts on self betterment. i could stand up for myself when no one will. none of them have, and none of them will. so i could be me, who is the one who finally changes. but i always forget. something happens and it's out of my mind. my goals for 2017. i haven't really even thought about. and it feels like i'm telling myself that not even i think i'm worth changing for. i know that's wrong. but what does it say when i can't even keep my own goals and passions in mind?

[tea-the-artist]

that last entry came from a sad place. I will not beat myself up.

I quickly slip into that forgetful phase that fawn-freeze types go into when it comes to assessing self-worth. I'm not gonna beat myself up about that. It's not my fault I was trained to forgo self-preservation throughout my life.

I quickly get tired of routines and efforts towards developing a better Self. I'm not gonna beat myself up about that. A structured structureless life is what i experienced, expecting trouble, waiting for inconsistent love.

It's hard to get motivated for myself. Not all motivation lasts, but often it's still in your mind. Not something so easily forgotten. Trauma made me forget myself and my needs and that's understandable, and understandably frustrating. And even more understandably hindering. It's horrible, but it makes sense why things have gone and are going the way they are.

I came across this website for an interactive self care guide (cursing warning, in just the title so far that). I haven't gotten very far, but yesterday I felt like I need to give self care another go. A stronger go. A more consistent go, with extra elbow grease this time. I don't know how to keep consistent, but I want to try harder. It's suggested to play every morning when I wake up, so I'll do that. Or every couple of hours even. To accommodate for being rather unstable myself.

If I can get into the routine of just checking up on myself, and having this site guide me, it will be good for me. I want the habit to pick up, and I want to gradually get rid of the habit of forgetting that I'm a person who exists and needs care. I won't guarantee anything because that stresses me out, already setting rules and restrictions and expectations for myself. I'll just do the best that I can do.

[strangenights]

Hello! I'm new to the forum, this is actually my first post. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd recently and in my search for resources I happened upon your journal, I just want to say that i'm rooting for you, you're making progress 

Also you are not alone when it comes to the dead motivation cycle. Step 1 find something interesting, step 2 do all sorts of research and planning, step 3 abandon all hope of success or lose interest. I respect someone who gets back on the horse, it isn't easy. 

[Wife#2]

Tea - regardless of what you decide, how you decide or when you decide, I'm here. Standing beside you, saying that your decisions ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

Yes, yes, failing to decide is also deciding. Maybe that's all you need to try to manage for a while. You've done a lot of growth in a short time. It's not surprising that you withdrew inside yourself for a while - to take stock maybe? Anyway, it was the right decision for you at that time. It's still your life and you get to be the one person who says when anything *should* happen!

to you, my friend. For the memories, for the pain involved in 'waking up'.  because you just deserve to be hugged and treated well.

[tea-the-artist]

strangenights - a big welcome to the forum pretty amazing (in a way) that your search lead you to my journal. wishing you big luck on your own journey through understanding and managing complex trauma! thanks a bunch for rooting for me! i'll get through it.

wife#2 - i also appreciate your standing by me. that's hasn't changed at all I don't want to beat myself up, so.. I think i'll say overall during my break I've done an alright job at not getting angry with myself about not moving yet. When I feel frustrated about it I try to tell myself both sides ...You're doing the best you can right now. Progress can't be rushed. but also the more "logical" it takes a lot of strength to tolerate what you don't deserve. it'll take even more strength to reach out and grab what you rightfully need. and I know 100% you have that strength in you.

You are a great friend Wife#2 and I appreciate your compassionate presence

[tea-the-artist]

I feel like I'm in my "reporting back" mood but that's OK i'll roll with it since I am a bit proud of myself (still 25% proud of myself, 75% reporting back).

Again for some reason last night I felt kind of low suddenly. There was no trigger that I could pinpoint, I think it was just a sudden sadness about rejection/feeling ignored (I blew off my friends twice this weekend, and not that I deserve any rejection, but working on reaching out is still a struggle, so things were quiet). But I ended up following the steps on the self care guide from before.

I can proudly say it was a success. I used it about 5 to 10 times in the last week, and yesterday was the day I genuinely felt sad. I pat and rubbed my left hand gently for a while. I Tried to think of Little Tea and her two braids hair. I thought about my right hand (my dominant hand) being the "adult who's developing the skills" and my left hand as Little Tea's hand. I hugged myself, and pat myself on the chest for a long while until I felt better. I said "I love you, I'm sorry" and cried a bit (self-compassion reaction). In the end I was ok. I told myself I would be ok. I looked through a blog's self care tag and read quietly aloud some of the quotes and messages. I would get through it, it passes. And it did.

I'm proud of myself. Tea I'm proud of you. You're a strong person, capable. I'm proud of myself. For the things I can do. The things I attempt. Last week I read a whole long article from Oregon State about identifying plants based on their leaves. I spent three whole days putting together a 60 page reference book with the article text and photos. I'm not a botanist. I'm not studying to become one. But I love plants and decided to make a reference book for myself. And I did. It's beautiful and it took a lot of effort and fixing and refixing and I did it. Motivation comes and goes, and even though I haven't looked at it since Friday I learned a lot, so much added to my vocabulary. I'm proud of myself for the things I can do. It doesn't even seem silly. I just love plants and flowers.

And open windows. I'm going somewhere with this. Friday was probably my favorite day last week. I did the self care guide tips all on my own without referencing the site. That's good, it's getting built into my mind. I opened my windows and cleaned my room for the suggested 5 minutes, finished my laundry (didn't fold it of course), and worked on the book! I felt so at ease. It was a good spring day, 70 degrees and windy. It was like I was a whole person. I talked aloud about how I came to liking open windows, and it still doesn't make sense. I just felt like it was one of the few things genuine to me! And I felt great and have been on a streak of taking care of myself. Following through on the quote in my signature below.

If I were my own parent, what would I do? I'd know how my child's body and emotions my react under certain circumstances, and work hard to prevent or alleviate any pain. So far the cleaning for 5 minutes, drinking water, and as I did yesterday, working on a solution to my problem/trigger for 15 minutes are very helpful. And it keeps me moving. Just getting up and moving around helps me. I can stay glued to my computer drawing or playing a game for 7+ hours without moving and it's draining, and I realize it when it's too late. I'm working on that, and the self care guide is helping. One week will be two weeks, 4 months, one year.

[tea-the-artist]

speaking as an adult, mostly speaking on behalf of my child self, it still bothers me how much my FOO just unknowingly dumps frustrations onto me. things I can't fix. I've never been able to fix these things. especially when I was just in the middle of elementary school.

sometimes I want to ask, "why are you telling me this? why are you venting at me? did you ever think to ask me before venting at me?"

I already know the answer. after all my baby steps learning about cptsd, I know exactly why they flock to me. right now as I'm typing on my phone my M's venting about work and it just came out of nowhere but I'm not stopping her. its not that I don't vent to her because I do. but... its one of the expectations kids have of their parents.

last night I went into a 4 hour long EF just venting to the imaginary brother about how I feel inside. there was a silence in the car ride home and I thought I may have been outted (turned out my F found a scratch on the car) and it was triggering back to a horrible time.

but it tells me a lot about the dynamics. how my brother talks to me instead of M or F. how my mom talks to me (like this) instead of F. I hear how my M and F sound when Ms venting or just simply talking. and whatever my F can't provide I have to. its not fair.

not that I'm a child right now but I'm their child. not their parent. not their friend.

and when I try to vent to brother or on the rare rare rare occasion my F, they are uninterested. or I get lectured about how it was my fault. or how I should have done xy or z. of course no one else realized bc that's the norm.

I'm so tired of being the sole emotional support. this isn't even about moving how and how that could solve that particular problem. I'm so exhausted. I'm always around when someone needs me but who is around when I need someone? and thentimes I'm not around I get called out for no reason (always by brother) or get maximum vented at because no one seems to have the skills to process info/frustration without immediately having to dump it onto me. none of us have any of the healthy skills to be an adult with good emotional health. and the proof is shown in my brother and myself. that's a fact.

[Wife#2]

Tea, those are absolutely wonderful realizations! Now that you can observe it in action, is there any chance you can begin to distance yourself a bit? Gently, since you're still there, but firmly. Yes, everyone 'vents' to loved ones. In a healthy relationship, you're right - that would go both ways. This may be a part of why you struggle with allowing 'venting' in friendships. Because your family has taught you to expect a full dump and for you to *fix* it, but friends are just venting as part of sharing. I don't know.

I just know that I'm so very proud of you that you see things as they really are now. I do wish I could offer solutions. But, what I can offer is my friendship, ongoing. Also, my respect and admiration - YES, you deserve those. I don't offer them lightly! You earned them!

[tea-the-artist]

I think the obligation still lingers, wife#2. everyone's a pretty talkative bunch (myself included though often I run out of breath (out of nervousness possible? usually when my bro and i are talking about feminist stuff and i'm speaking more)) so there's often tangents and they often subtly turn into venting. i'd feel rude if i tried to change the subject smoothly somehow. i could give it a go (it just seems so out of my nature, and almost like i'm repeating their behavior of saying things like "well that's how things are, [let's move to another topic]" or something like that. and i often feel miserable even when friends do something similar, where I feel i have more to say but the conversation is already changing (part of me feeling "left behind").

i can  still give it a go though. I actually just read this thread over on the sister forum that's also given me some hope as to what I could do definitely can't use it on F though  of course. but M and bro are easier (tho it breaks my child-parent heart to think of setting boundaries when someone else is hurting). but alas i'll have to venture through like a re-parented adult and gradually set up boundaries.

as a bonus though, my bro's the chattiest of us all despite his speech impediment and is always telling me to cut the convo short when he's gone too long. he can really spend 4 hours starting off talking about a show we used to watch and how it sucks to be immortal, and ending on us watching a video about that primitive living youtube channel. true story. happened on Monday before i left for work I feel a lot better now! thank you as always!

[tea-the-artist]

i think day by day it's dawning on me that the love my F has for me, as his daughter, just doesn't exist. i felt bad the first time i said it out loud in front of my friends that i genuinely felt like my parents didnt love me. but i don't think i was misguided or being dramatic at all.

it feels like my F is just prone to saying things to make his prey feel bad about themselves, without any kind of reinforcement. a bare minimum parent will cover the basics for their child (food clothing shelter, education, any financial support) and stop it at that. that's who he is.

in my eyes, a parent who goes beyond that will never ever make their child's feelings seem unimportant and invalid. they won't make them feel like they are worthless.

they wont make them feel ugly as my own F made me feel today. they won't say things like I'm not gonna feel bad if you wanna only stay in contact with M. It's not gonna bother me, like my own f said to me in the car today. they wont make you feel like there's nothing at all likeable about you other than you providing financial support when they need it ever month.


i donno if i'm over it yet, though i did some subtle self soothing while he ranted at me during the car ride, and cried just a few minutes ago after my bro and i put the groceries away. i think i'm starting to see little tea more often than before. still not frequent, but i could see her while i was self soothing a few minutes ago and hugged myself. i've calmed down now, and i think i'm going to just stay in my room for the night and watch a video playlist i made for days like today. i'll be ok.

[Three Roses]

 

[Wife#2]

Tea - you're such a beautiful soul! No, this isn't easy. There isn't a finish line where you cross it and say to yourself, 'There, I'm done hurting over that.' It can lessen over time, it WILL lessen over time. As you begin to know your own worth and not count on his words for ANY part of your identity.

There is a phrase, it's a cliché, I know, but I hope it'll help you when he's being so blatantly cruel. 'Consider the source.' You need not believe what he says, father or not. And, when he's being horrible, like he was last week, just consider the source and discard his relevance in your life. This will take time and practice, and the words will not lose all their sting. I just hope it'll help you distance yourself from his words.

And, I meant what I typed earlier. You are a beautiful soul, whose input and contributions on these boards have made my life better and more bearable - and I'm just one person. I know others feel the same about you. 

[tea-the-artist]

if i don't write it out i just might burst into flames and i'm only an hour into my work shift.

i'm so so angry today!! and partially yesterday. since friday really. my F's words still are lingering in my head and i almost want to punch him for it. i keep flash forward thinking to my mom asking what's wrong why am i not talking, and me just saying "it doesn't matter! it doesn't matter to F and it doesn't matter to you and never have my feelings ever mattered to either of you so stop asking and acting like you care beyond your own potential guilt!!" that's what i want to say!

i feel like i'm boiling over today especially.  keeping in mind the phrase "consider the source" in the last 24 hours has been helpful. yeah. why exactly should I believe anything he says to me or about me?! why do i have to feel ugly for no reason! why did no one ever say i was beautiful as I was when i was a kid!

that's a big one. maybe something i havent' had the chance to fully think about over the course of this journey. why hadn't they? why did my dad have to say that to me? i'm not crazy about that style of hair... to me i like the perm better. what good did that do!? none. what does it say about an F who says he doesn't like the hair that grows on his daughter's head? newsflash *!! look at what grows on your head too! on your son's head!! on your wife's head! even though she has a perm. don't you dare think i forgot the day you told her her hair didn't look good. miserable sack of *

i can't believe i spent my whole life begging my M for a perm.. being too young wasn't good enough excuse but when senior prom rolled around that was it for me. there was no more excuse. i was 18 and i wanted what i wanted, but what i needed was for a parent to tell me i didn't need to change my appearance to be beautiful.

the idea of rebelling is still so annoying to me, considering my F labelled me as such for a good chunk of my life, even up to now. but i'm glad i cut my hair last july. i'm SO glad i did, without their permission. without even letting them know. i'm glad i cut my hair AGAIN in january. no permission. no warning. i'm glad i did. i took it into my own hands to tell myself i'm beautiful as i was, as i'd always been, even if M and F didn't think so and didn't say so. even after explaining it constantly to M, who still in the end did not understand my reasoning for the first haircut. that's her own fault and i'm uninterested in explaining it for a 10th time.

i ought to do whatever the * i want. this isn't some BS my F says about people needing to hear the truth. god if i had the backbone, it'd go like this!

me: you say you're all about telling people the truth even when it hurts, right?
F: yeah
me: cool cool well i think i'll follow in your footsteps! get a load of this: YOURE A GODAWFUL PARENT!!!! *packs bags, moves out immediately*

imagine that. just imagine it. i do feel exceptionally closer to moving out. impulsively or not, i just feel it in my bones and in my blood that i just can't keep getting talked to like i'm trash. like i'm nobody's daughter. nothing i've done or not done or refused to do is reason for me to deserve this, and all the pain from childhood. i dont care what happened on their end. i don't care at all. it's not reason for a child to be emotionally neglected and abused. man..

i'm fighting the urge to call my feelings petty. it's just hair... but it's not just hair. it's never just hair. never ever has it JUST been hair. society doesn't want me to be proud of it, my parents don't want me to be proud of it... and that's a shame. but maybe i'll pick back up the rebel label and wear my hair and my label proudly then.


i need to keep talking.. still having imaginings about moving out. less and less about my time living there (with the exception of meeting a partner in the building, but that's romantic wishful thinking), and more about move out day. more about the potential yelling. more about a random day i'm to hang out with friends, as soon as i get into the car, i've shut down. not talking or responding to them. i rush back out the car into the house, grab a bag and pack it with some necessesities and tell my parents it's for a project. back to the car, "I can't live there anymore."

another time, F is ranting at me, in the car probably, at the grocery store. i step out, call Pansy, tell her i can't live here anymore. sorry it's short notice. can i leave ASAP? whenever's convenient for you.

this morning i was in a daze and imagining myself handing my boss my 2 weeks notice.

and last night i dreamt of driving a car horribly (tho i can't drive in my waking life either), it was a big car, so i think that is pretty representative of the state of my waking life. i was backing up  out the drive way, and didn't know the wheel directions for reversing, and went into the ditch.

i think i just am getting to the border of being "tired" and "having enough of this." maybe it's how i feel about this dream/my subconscious telling me i'm headed for doom or whatever, but i am getting there. i am running straight into the territory where i feel i just cannot keep surviving. i can't! it's extremely exhausting. just NO!! no no no!!

all of my "attitudes" and "disrespectfulness" is me getting tired of surviving! surviving for me is taking the heat and not being able to protect and defend myself when someone tries to tell me who I AM! sorry hun but not even I know who i am so back off!!

i've survived a lot. for almost 24 years, if not the whole ride. i survived a great deal of absolute *. sometimes i'm so unsure how i made it through certain parts of my life, only to realize that part of my survival was throwing away my already destroyed self worth.

GOD!!! i still cannot understand how "I want mutual respect" is DISRESPECTFUL to an F asking "what do you want out of your relationship with your F?" that parents are incapable of disrespecting their children.... but consider the source. Of course he would say that nonsense.

i think i really need to see Pansy and MG again. thinking about this stuff... i can't tell if it's  impulsive feeling or not, but i donno how long i can last in this two story 3 bedroom hellhole.

it's just too late in the game. it's too late for M to realize she could be a million times better at defending her kids their whole lives. for starters, she could have defended us in front of us.

it's WAY WAY too late for F to realize his cruelty. to realize that his cruelty has had and still has consequences on his kids. that those consequences are why we are the way we are. that his actions and words shaped us to still somehow be not good enough.

*TRIGGER WARNING physical abuse, suicide (mention)

I survived these parents. I survived when i was hit for disobedience, or catching an attitude. I survived when they crushed my dreams telling me i wasn't good enough. I survived the bullying at school, and the lack of refuge I had at home. i survived constant privacy invasion and the punishment aftermath. I survived.. when F said he'd rather kill himself than have a daughter who's gay, at 14. i survived the consequential compulsive heteronormativity.. at least... the awful thing was with only one guy. i survived the consequence of that, the depression and following berating from F, who called me psychotic as i cried in front of him, feeling like i failed not only him, but the jerk i felt forced to please. I survived the deterioration of my self worth. I survived their failed attempt at telling me not to go to college for them, but for myself.

i survived going to college, with suddenly unstable guidelines as to how to behave in a new unfamiliar environment. I survived throwing myself away completely, I've now realized and glad it only went as far as heavy drinking on two occasions that i blacked out once and vomited from it both times (even though i told myself "drinking's not a big deal..."). I survived throwing myself into work, putting it before my schoolwork and my health, on my first year away, even though today I pride myself on quitting the reporter job and moving to the enjoyable cartoonist position despite my parents wishes.

I survived a quietly racist and fatphobic second roommate. I survived going into art classes that I didn't feel prepared for, even though they were foundation level, even after telling the professor I didn't feel good enough to be in the class. Yeah remember I survived my parents telling me "You have to be good at art to do it." I survived dropping out, and the quick depression that followed, no one being there for me, but everyone somehow needing me, not caring about the situation I was in.

I survived many many flashbacks, more than  I can count. I survived the torment disguised as "tough love," "tough parenting." I survived all the nights, childhood and adulthood, where I cried myself to sleep, feeling so alone and miserable. All the shifts at work I barely made it through because the only thing on my mind was trauma, and for once I couldn't ignore it.

In what world does continuing to survive feel OK anymore? Closer and closer, I feel my self worth resurfacing.

Even though I truly don't have a past "before the trauma" to go back to, the option of rebuilding still stands. Recreating a self, outside of toxic hands. Because of them, I have nothing to return to.

But because of all my surviving, I'm getting the tools to create something strong and better. Beautiful, longlasting. Those tools will die in this house. They will rust and wither in this house. They only last so long in this house until it seems to be of no good anymore. Imagine a life with stronger tools, reinforced by the support of friends. Who know, and who care, deeply, passionately. Where working on myself will be a good thing. I'm a work in progress. that's OK. when the tough times come, they can go with me saying "he's not here to torment me, to manipulate me." I can safely say that I'm ok, and will be OK. His physical presence won't be there, forcing me to hold my breath while he stomps around my space.

I feel like i really need to see my friends. i feel like crying right now but hopefully i can get a break soon.

[Wife#2]

Huge hugs for my friend Tea.

Finally, the reality that you are WORTH loving and DESERVE love and are capable of BEING LOVED and LOVING is pushing all this yuck and anger through your soul and out of your existence. That is healthy anger. Keep it private for now, though. Others who have not been through what you have been through would see this as a rage and be afraid.

I see it as necessary to move to the next stage of building TEA into who TEA is, not who you've been told you should be.

Why couldn't your parents tell you, as my mother told me, that the hair on your head is your concern. If you like it, wear it proudly! However that is. And, I've told my children the same thing - that hair is on YOUR head. Wear it how YOU want. Be aware, others may judge you based on what you do, but that is a consequence to freedom of expression - someone misinterpreting your expression.

I had no idea that little phrase would spark such a huge fire of emotions. I'm so sorry that it hit at work and you had to deal with the aftermath there. I'm so sorry it ever happened to be stuffed inside you so tightly.

Yes, Tea. You are beautiful. You matter. You deserve to love and be loved in return. 

[tea-the-artist]

thank you wife#2. it took a bit out of me, and i've definitely still feeling the anger but mostly the validity of it. which i'm pretty happy about tbh!

in the last couple days I feel like I've been making my mind about M. we are closest other than me and bro, so i've been slightly shaky about things.

i'll start with yesterday since it came as a surprise. once again i had another imagining of move out day. two actually. the first my brother betraying my confidence and outing me. personally i dont think that'd happen unless we end up on incredibly awful terms, and on my end i'm unwilling to allow that to happen.

the other.. slightly better. went like this:

i'm at friends' apartment. F calls, angry, yelling. can't see friends anymore. first time i angrily stand up to him
me: you can't tell me that! you're wrong!
f: yelling something. come home right now!
friends comfort me, unnamed partner asks if I really feel safe going back. I say I have to get my stuff. so it's determined.
I don't return home till nighttime as usual. go inside. yelled at. i stand my ground. retreat upstairs. pack as much as i can.

but then my brother comes in to see this. "do what you have to do." i almost cry, then hug him. then strongly tell him about not letting anyone take away his self worth. "don't wait as long as i did to realize you dont deserve to live here." he agrees. i finish packing and he sneaks my things out to my friends' car that's still outside, while F's ranting in his room. he calls me, yells at me. i look at M whos quietly watching. "since no one is willing to stand up for me, i'll do it myself." say i'm not going to take this anymore. i leave, grab last bag and rush out, noticed by F.

im at the car, he's outside now, yelling.
me: if you think for a second I'm going to spend another minute in that house becoming the worthless garbage you raised me to become, you can ch*ke! i go into the car, and we've driven off.


by this point i'm sitting at my desk crying. like i'm actually in all those moments. still have yet to figure if it's really an emotional flashforward or some sort of daydreaming or even dissociating.

by the end of it, i'd finish a phone conversation with M who once again asked "you dont love your F do you?" and me crying again at the future M who still cannot see the reality we live in. at least that was last night, that got followed up with something nice on youtube so i felt a lot better.

last thursday I got to hang with friends and we had a great time despite my initial anxiety, suddenly needing to self isolate right before leaving, and exasperation. it was good, and more and more im feeling more appreciative of them. our last stop was Target and I decided to buy my bro and F cards ahead of time instead of making them myself. we spent a long time looking at cards and laughed a lot about how they were all lies, and how there needs to be a lie-to-truth ratio. it was good, and after they left, i texted them I was really happy i got to hang with them.


in other news, I still haven't joked/talked much to M after F said that stuff about my hair. It's definitely crummy of me to do this and she not know the reasoning. it's just tiring hearing the same old "he's not gonna change" spiel yet again. not really speaking to F either, but openly and show-offy speaking and joking to bro. don't really know how to break the habit of silent shouldering when i'm wrong unbeknownst to another.. it's tough cos things aren't blatantly going wrong. but i'm still hurt and i'm not sure how to bring it up to her without her asking to not expect him to change or why i don't love him.

but on the day I hung out, a woman at the crafts store complimented my haircut and it was so uplifting. since then I've felt good about it and still reminding myself to consider the source and that's been really handy! and just now a student complimented my outfit as well! so today's been really good so far even tho i'm an hour into my night shift.

on another subject, I realized a new thing I need to work on. self care has been pretty good so far to be honest. I've been becoming passionate about art again and it really is a beautiful thing I'm realizing.

though, I need to learn how to ground myself more often. i must admit I'm always feeling pretty scattered in my head and constantly questioning if i'm really grounded. it's still a concept that eludes me, but I think it'd be beneficial to start learning about considering my toolbox has ... some tools in it finally. i'm really proud of myself!

and last bit but again I'm having dreams again. usually they come up when moving out is at the core of my daily thoughts. it's almost comforting. no nightmares lately. i feel again just a touch closer to moving. and Pansy sending me photos and telling me about the furniture she and MG are buying for the place really helps!