Speak up, ya little weirdo!

[meursault]

I was reading something where someone was having trouble with the idea of hearing their inner child last night.   Got me thinking, because I think I have a pretty good feel for that going on in my own head.  Thought I'd share this in case it's something others can identify with or connect to.

These last couple of weeks I've been completely disconnected from my inner children.  After last night, I started to do what I always do.  Talk to them.  Imagine if you had some traumatized kid you were babysitting, no expectations or anything.  Maybe the kid is severely mentally handicapped even, and can't understand language.  The kid never talks, hides, but watches you for threats constantly.  You can scare them away or terrify them so easily.  What would you do?  I just talk (internally, but like I'm talking to a kid).  I keep a positive, firm, gentle voice, and just describe what I'm doing, thinking, and what I think about them.  I'm actively talking TO them, though.

Kind of like if it was a real kid, and you wanted to vacuum, knowing it will terrify the kid.  "Well, this floor sure is dirty.  You know what?  I should vacuum it!  It's a pretty scary sound, but I know it'll be over quick.  It sure scares me, but then I get a nice clean floor.  It's alright to hide if you're scared of the sound.  I'll be quick.  I bet after you'll be amazed at how clean it is!"

That sort of thing.  I started doing it again last night a bit.  No expectation of hearing back from my inner child/ren, but just creating a vibe that should they wish, they can talk.  Last night it was feeling the really painful, desperate longing I get with women, after I had my date.  It's just an agonizing attachment need that's never been fulfilled, I think, like those Romanian babies after the fall of the Iron Curtain, or videos of lots of mammal infants who haven't been held or touched or cared for.  As frantic and urgent as if you were suffocating.  It's not about getting them talking so you can hear what's wrong and fix it.  It's about making them feel safe and loved.  That's it.  When they feel safe enough, you'll know what they're saying without words, since they make you FEEL it.

It all went to * the last few of weeks, I've been having a hard time even living, and terrified of the future, full of self-loathing and stuff.  I scared them all into hiding.  Sigh.  Now I have to spend a bunch of time talking again to demonstrate I'm safe.  They want to find someone safe, so I'm just doing what they want, but I have to earn their trust.

Today's been a day of that father part of me doing that.  All they are saying so far is they are completely panicked and exploding with wild, animal terror.  I haven't been on their side very well, I'm afraid.  I feel kind of guilty, I just spent the last couple of weeks constantly threatening and terrorizing a bunch of little kids.

Anyhow, just thought I'd share that in case it's at all a useful exercise or perspective to someone else.

Meursault

[mourningdove]

Thanks for sharing this, Meursault.

I relate to this big time:

It's just an agonizing attachment need that's never been fulfilled, I think, like those Romanian babies after the fall of the Iron Curtain, or videos of lots of mammal infants who haven't been held or touched or cared for.  As frantic and urgent as if you were suffocating.

[movementforthebetter]

This is an interesting approach. Thanks for sharing. I find it challenging to connect and stay connected with my inner child(ren). This could be pretty helpful.

[sanmagic7]

i just did some of this, exactly what you're talking about, yesterday, maybe for the first time.  i mean, i've done it before, have even written the words under a picture of a sweet, soft angel and read them to myself, but yesterday felt different.  it really felt like i was connecting to/with little me.

thanks for bringing this up.  i would've forgotten about it, i'm sure.  my hub is gonna be gone for a week because of his surgery, and i'll be here in the house in a foreign country (strange that i haven't really thought of it that way before) on my own.  he's never been gone that long before.  yes, there is a house full of family right next door if i need them, and my hub and i will be in touch by phone the whole time he's gone, but for some reason i was feeling anxious.

and then the words came, soothing, caring, reassuring.  in my mind, i was comforting my little me, letting her know she'd be okay and taken care of and she needn't worry, that i'd be there to deal with things, that i know what to do.  and, the anxiety mostly went away.  it was a wonder to me.

i'm really glad you brought this up.  it's like a post-it note on my brain now. 

[LaurelLeaves]

Thank you.
I tried it.  I imagined a little me on the couch.  And I talked to me.  It made me feel sad saying things that have never been said to him.   And I think he liked it.