Dissociation or ADD?

[ChaosQueen]

Hi everyone,

Did anyone of you ever wonder if they had AD(H)D?

I read on the internet that C-PTSD and AD(H)D have much in common. I can totally relate to people who have ADD. When I told my doctor I probably had ADD, she said no, it all comes from my C-PTSD. My hypervigilence and anxiety keep me from concentrating. And my feeling spaced-out is in fact dissociation.
Still, why is my mind jumping from one thought to the next before finishing one thought?  Why do I always interrupt people when they speak? And never think before speaking? Why can't I ever wait in a queue? Why do I keep forgetting things and people's faces? My mind craves constant stimulation. If people talk too slowly or talk about things that don't interest me, or they repeat themselves, I get very agitated. 
If I get interested in some bizarre topic (which has nothing to do with what I originally planned to research), I go into hyperfocus, and the world around me ceases to exist. The same goes for reading novels or watching movies. Now this could be dissociation, perhaps. And I do live more in my own fantasy world or the world of some novel/film, than the real world.
But I can't choose what catches my interest. When I'm not interested in something, I just can't get it done, no matter what the consequences. I just fidget and squirm in my seat.
During boring meetings I either storm out of the room at some point or whine out loud "Are we finished yet?". I have zero patience. How is this lack of patience linked to C-PTSD? Perhaps I just have a really low frustration tolerance? But why is it that I leave a trail of unfinished projects behind me? Why I can't organize or plan anything? I start something with a lot of enthusiasm, but very soon move on to something else. And I'm always late or get lost.
Somewhere I read a description of dissociation as follows: you ride a bus and get out at your stop. Then you realize you can't remember big parts of the bus trip and how you stepped off the bus. I step off the bus and for a moment wonder where the heck I am, where I was planning to go and what I was planning to do. Then I realize I got off at the wrong station.

Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse for my impossible behavior. I'd like to say, "Sorry, that I forgot about the appointment. It's because of my ADD. It's a neurological condition and I can't help it."  Somehow I'm more reluctant to talk about my C-PTSD.

[Sandstone]

Hi ChaosQueen,
i can really relate to pretty much everything you said. Even down to my doc saying the same thing as yours.
I dont have any answers but im interested to find out too.

[Three Roses]

I totally get that is easier to talk about ADHD than CPTSD. I bet you never hear, "Just don't think about it, it will all go away!"

Also heard it said that if CPTSD ever makes get into the DSM, it will reduce it to the size of a pamphlet! ADHD is a common co-morbid diagnosis for us to have.

[woodsgnome]

Pete Walker in his book COMPLEX PTSD points out that those with cptsd, especially those who fall into his "freeze" category of cptsd types, are often prone to ADD (the "flight" sorts tend more towards ADHD, but it's not worth debating the differences here).

As a freezer myself, I relate totally to that characterization. With variations, I hasten to add--I certainly can 'stay with it', if needed and if it seems useful to do so; but indeed I often veer off if the trail seems redundant or not useful. Have to watch out, though, and not forget to live life in the meantime.

This goes back to having survived cptsd, which sets up a desperate search for that elusive remedy that would 'save' me--whether that took the form of books, workshops, therapists, spiritual teachers, etc., I was in constant flux to settle on a clear path or program or meditation--you name it--and settle into tranquility. Until finally I realized that I needed my own path, not to blindly follow someone else's prescription.

As to other signs like cutting conversations short, for instance; simple 'people fear' can account for lots of that. With me, it's like in any conversation I have this hyper-alert sense of an exit strategy kicking in (consciously or not), in case I need to suddenly bolt. Explaining 'why' I do this is, of course, puzzling to those who have no notion of the lingering effects left by cptsd. But I've learned to look out for my needs in the moment, whether others understand or not.

I don't have any notions of how to stop AD(H)D in its tracks, other than some wordplay. Instead of berating myself for having searched so hard and switched around so often in pursuit of the sure cure, it feels better to give myself credit for having curiosity in the first place. As to how to explain things like cutting a conversation short...not sure about that one, at all, other than to risk temporary censure in favour of feeling safe.

Anyway, it's understandable that AD(H)D and cptsd do overlap.

[LaurelLeaves]

Yup, I'm just like you.  In fact I was diagnosed with ADD.  But the Ritalin didn't do anything for me.   

I haven't been officially diagnosed with C-PTSD, but I know it's me.  Frankly I like it better than ADD, because it means I can do something about it.... I can Heal it... instead of just taking medicine my whole life because my body was born not working correctly.  I guess using the "I can't help it because I'm ADD", is an easy way out.... but it makes me feel defective. 

Although when talking to another, and trying to explain why you do the things you do... most people don't even know about C-PTSD.   They don't know that it can mimic the effect of ADD.   So I probably would say, "I have a condition that mimics ADD". 

[ChaosQueen]

Thanks for all of your posts!

It's so good to know I am not alone in this!

Thanks, LaurelLeaves, for the tip to say to people, "It's a condition that mimics ADD". I will use it!
I heard on some podcast on PTSD vs. ADD, that if the ADD meds don't work, it's probably C-PTSD... I don't know if that's true or not.
It's funny, I feel defective because of the C-PTSD... Like my brain is altered and the neurochemistry is messed up because of the trauma. I might learn to deal with it better, but I think I'll always have some emotional flashbacks. Peter Walker also says that.
I'll probably also be on meds for the rest of my life. But who knows.... My antidepressant meds keep me from feeling too depressed and anxious, which I'm very grateful for, but they don't keep the other symptoms of C-PTSD at bay, especially the ADD-like ones. Ritalin would probably make me more edgy. I can't even drink coffee because it makes me so nervous.
But of course being diagnosed with ADD and the notion that something in your brain was biologically wrong and you can't ever heal it would also suck.... Even though it is a great excuse...    And people know what you're talking about!

And Woodsgnome, I like the way how you give yourself credit for having curiosity.
I cut conversations short when they are boring and I berate myself for lacking patience. Same goes for finishing other people's sentences for them, when they speak too slowly. Or speaking out of turn, when I can't wait to say something. Even if I lack patience, at least I have a lot of curiosity.
When I start learning a new language every 1-2 years and buy all the books, without ever mastering the previous language, I am being curious.
When I start researching on "healthcare in rural areas" for a paper and somehow end up watching youtube videos on the extinction of the dinosaurs, I am being curious.
When I research about how to raise free-range chickens for 3 days straight without hardly any sleep, even though I would never raise chickens in my life, I am being curious.
When I'm on my way to the office, run into an aquaintance who is a hobby gardener, and head straight back home with a sack full of compost and prepare a vegetable bed for the rest of the day, I am being curious. 
My therapist congratulates me for being creative and tries to get me to accept myself...
Good thing I don't have to try to hold a job... In my volunteer job, there are few real expectations.

[Helen]

I was diagnosed with ADD about 5 years ago, and have been on Adderall. I don't think it works much. In the beginning I thought it did, but now, no. When I mentioned this to the doc., he upped my prescription, and that really didn't help either.
I am new here, and I don't know what my diagnosis is really, but this CPTSD shoe is fitting.