Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

Goods and bads this past week or two.

I started dating a couple weeks ago. I have been on 2 dates with different men. Both are very different from me, but I have lots in common with each. I"ll talk about the second one at a later date.

Neither are my coworker. I think I'm over my crush on him, which is good.

One was a straightedge vegan pierced and tattooed punk. Incredibly intelligent and we got on very well. He's poly and has a primary. I'm not ready for a serious relationship but was finding weekends disheartening, so here I went to find someone to spend time with. And he was great. But only available 1 night every 3 weeks or so. Didn't really fit the bill. But still I found myself waiting for him to call, and then making myself available when plans fell through, or basically on his schedule only. It didn't sit right but I ignored it. Until 2 nights ago when I saw the pattern I was repeating and cried for an hour because I realized I had to reject him fespite how much I like him.

It's easy to say "just be busy" but that's hard to do with cptsd. And so I ended it with him because I couldn't tailspin into arranging my life around some guy again, and one as unavailable as my ex, but for different reasons.

The good from all this is that I saw it happening pretty quick, before I got too deep. And I pulled myself out.

This also prompted me to email my therapist. I am restarting therapy next week.

So I am actually infinitely grateful I met him, and hope we can be friends because he was pretty much a bystander to and casualty of my abrupt change of heart. Lusting after him bumped me back onto my healing path. That's big and I'm ready for the next phase of recovery.

[Wife#2]

MFTB That's sad and wonderful all at the same time. The best part is seeing that you did decide to care 51% about you than about the relationship itself. Hurray for that part!!! You've done one of the hardest things any of us can do. You defied your 'training' and your old coping mechanisms for a new, healthier one! For that I celebrate you!!!!!

Yes, it's sad and yes you'll miss him. Still, because you did reach a point where you considered rearranging your life to have time with him, you may want to make that a clean break. At least until you are in another, healthy relationship. I say this because being around him now will stir those feelings and keep them unsettled. That could confuse things for you as you embark on another relationship. This is just my opinion. The best thing is that I firmly believe that you can and will do what is sincerely best for YOU.

[movementforthebetter]

I got busy and fell out of the habit of writing for a while. Lots going on in life but carrying on has been working ok for me for the most part.

I've been dating someone for about a month now... The second man from my last post.

Non-monogomy has been good for me in many ways. Ironically I haven't been very non-monogamous. Dating is hard and I find the whole "getting to know you", stepping on each other's toes phase exttemely triggering.

The increased communication of Non-monogomy has been really good for me. I have been vulnerable about my deepest, core issues, like abandonment, betrayal, self-respect, and fears stemming from those. And my boyfriend did not run away or tell me I was overreacting. He stood by me, and moved closer to me. My abilities to communicate, set and maintain boundaries, and be vulnerable have all increased.

But we're having a rough day. Seeing other people at the same time means processing a lot of feelings. And today that's what we were doing.

Ugh, the answer is simply to take care of myself. Sometimes that is so hard and so unreasonably scary. Sometimes I need a hug and to be told it'll be ok. Which I've basically just done for myself by taking the time to write again. To acknowledge myself and my feelings.

I have learned that I struggle with receiving anything positive. Compliments, gifts, connection. I recognize it now as a part of my broken programming... That anything good is suspect. Still lots in myself to work on.

Tonight is for laying low and staying with the feelings. I'm having a cry, which I guess is ok. Better out than in. Better expressed than repressed. And tomorrow will come and should be a lot better.

[sanmagic7]

it'll be ok, mftb.  big hug to you.  i think you're doing really good.

[radical]

I always admire your courage and honesty MFTB.

It's good to be able to cry some of it out of your system.  I'm so glad you are working on receiving from others.  It's is so essential yet not something many of us from dysfunctional families learn in the natural way.  You are more than worth it.  Sending a virtual hug   It's not the same but the best I can do. It will be alright.  You are alright.

Isn't it weird how people usually put more time and effort into agreeing on a movie - listening to preferences about likes and dislikes, times, difficulties getting to the theatre etc. than they do talking about needs, desires and feelings before having sex.  For some reason it is supposed to be understood without any discussion at all.

I really like the idea of radical consent, being open from the outset, not pretending, assuming, enforcing desires on others, going along with whatever isn't too appalling to bear.  Not just in sexuality, wouldn't it be great if the idea spread to every area of communication?  It's not that most people aren't happy to accommodate others in lots of circumstances, it's that without that accommodation being communicated, it's far to easy for the wishes of exploitative or dominant people to prevail or for outright abuse to be normalised under cover of plausible deniabliity.  There is a high cost to that.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I may not always reply.

This week I didn't because I was doing a lot of thinking and absorbing.

I still have so many issues with self worth. I was alone this week, and very lonely. I self sabotaged by eating. I'm trying to stay with this and move through it.

Here now are some next-morning additions:

A set of "thoughts" that I'm dealing with are "I'm not getting exactly what I think I want so I should end everything" and "I'm not healthy enough (whatever that means) to be in a relationship (...so I don't deserve to be in one or loved or I'm not loved)". I put thoughts in quotes because it took me all week to crystallize feelings into words.

I then use any and all negative thoughts or experiences to feed these two beastie thoughts, which in turn colour my experiences. And the snake eats it's own tail over and over again. This spreads into all aspects of my life. Once I start thinking like this, suddenly I'm also bad at my job and a failure at being healthy and financially responsible. Even though I have proof otherwise. It's litterally and figuratively maddening.

I was doing better at not getting into these cycles overall. In a way this is a setback, but it is also progress, since I'm understanding things at a deeper level than I did in the past. I may be encountering similar feelings to ones I know, but I'm trying to be vulnerable with them, rather than just give in to them or run from them or wall them off At least, that's where I eventually end up, after I ride the feelings rollercoaster.

Last night I was able to talk with my boyfriend about my feelings a little bit. He reiterated that he wants to be with me, to see me and help me where he is able, and otherwise stand by me. That in a lot of ways sums up what I want in a relationship. And it scares me as much as I love it and want it. It is both the start and end of the rollercoaster. Basically. I ride it alone, but in the past I would drag my partners with me. Now, I am here and I have someone willing to join me even though he doesn't find it scary like I do. I'm afraid of boring him or coming off as overly dramatic. These are just thoughts in my head though. He doesn't think that of me. Only I do.

I think that the tighter I hold on, the faster it's all gotten out of control in the past. But the chaos that caused was weirdly predictable and familiar, because it's what I grew up with. So trying to not control things now puts me in a constant state of uncertainty, and learning to trust. And thst is the real unfamiliar territory.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like progress.  good going!  you'll get there, mftb.  big hug!

[movementforthebetter]

Having said rough day.  A sick day.  Had my first driving lesson last week and was supposed to have another today but had to reschedule due to being sick.

I may have (probably did) make myself sick yesterday,  and over the past week,  due to my food choices. These choices were made almost instinctually to cope with stress at work and in life. I broke my phone and had to replace it urgently. I saw my ex to get things back... Seems there's always something else left. I was out each night then up at 5am. It was far too much for me.   I am in a period of intensely compressed timelines and what can only be called extreme expectations for the situation. I think I get now why my employer is unionized. We do not even have all the tools or information to do our jobs but are expected to provide exceptional results without being allowed to work overtime to compensate for delays.

I've had recurring tension headaches that last for days.  I dream of work almost every night and cried about it on the weekend. Then I suddenly developed some kind of gastroenteritis. It's like being sick is a defense response go the stress and I have decided to listen to my body and take the day off but I still feel stressed and depressed and worn out. I have at least a month left of this pace and can't think much beyond one day at a time.

Have spent most of the day sleeping and feeling vaguely nauseous. Did manage to prepare healthy food for myself for the week despite being ill  yesterday. Still feeling stomach cramps.

I'm writing to document this time in my life.  I know it's temporary in my head, intellectually,  but my body and emotions say otherwise.  I am putting too much pressure on myself and caring too much about what others think.  I am trying to reassure and soothe myself that I will be ok, am not alone,  can handle this, and am good at my job.  But it feels fleeting. The only thing really stopping me from sinking further is the lack of time to do so.

It's hard to imagine that my life will improve from this.  Do I stop resisting and accept it, or do I dig deeper and fight harder and longer?  I'm too tired and unwell to answer that today.

[movementforthebetter]

Today was a better day. My work situation is the same but I am not sick anymore. This has improved my outlook dramatically. I still have the same worries and fears but my coping ability is higher.

I woke up early and did yoga. That felt good. It's so hard to make time for it as often as I think I should.

My struggle with consistency is one of my greatest battles.  It's possibly the biggest factor that holds me back. With CPTSD, I am robbed of consistency. Of thoughts, of emotional states, of commitment of pretty much any kind.  I wonder if I can address this now, or do I still have a lot more growing g up to do. At least I see the issue now. Maybe someday soon I can address it.

[movementforthebetter]

So glad the weekend is almost here. I have days from time to time where I dread work. I always have. I've gotten better at coping with them as I've gotten older. Mostly that entails me forcing myself to carry on and reminding myself that I am in a temporary state. It doesn't feel too much like coping. More like flailing and praying.

I get overwhelmed so easily and when overwhelmed I am a snippy, emotionally reactive, frantically panicking person. It's awful for me and probably for everyone around me. I think I've been overwhelmed for at least a month, if not longer. Most I can keep it together but at the same time my "pleasant veneer" can make things a lot worse. I almost started crying today at work. Glad I didn't. And yet it's a wake up call. I hate working as hard as I have to for so little reward. In the last 3 weeks I've worked 4hrs of unpaid overtime and I'd need hours more to catch up. I'll never be the fastest worker. I have struggled with speed my whole life. But I'm so tired of feeling like a deficient or bad person because I can't pull solutions out of my butt. I need time to absorb, process, and do the work. I feel constantly anxious that I am being judged negatively for my performance. I don't think it's all in my head.

So tired. My dream is turning into a long-running chase dream. I need to work towards redefining the dream, because I am losing sleep over it. And so evermore contemplation and analysis begins. Maybe thinking is my addiction.

[movementforthebetter]

The weekend is almost here. I decided to take photos of things I appreciate about my commute into work. Focus on the good for today at least. Do what I can.

[movementforthebetter]

This morning has been interesting. It's not dissociation, but I am experiencing myself as an observer of my body and internal processes. I don't believe it's dissociation because I don't feel distant or zoned out. I feel aware and alert for the most part.

This morning I have been thinking about how I put myself second in pretty much everything. Especially in work and love. Or maybe more so in health, particularly.

This awareness seemed to come only in brief flashes.  The last time I experienced it was when starting my medication a year ago.

This struggle with consistency. I've mentioned is crucial, I believe. It's like a breaker trips when my brain's circuits get overloaded by life, and I shut down. I'm starting to accept that I have areal but unrecognized disability. I have been off work because of depression. In the past. Almost 20 years ago. I went back to work because I couldn't afford to live on disability. The worker asked if I. Was better and I think I said I had no choice. But no, I was not "better". Aside from short spells I haven't been better in all that time. I have just gotten better at masking my disability. At coping, as well, to varying degrees.

As I thought about all the ways I was second in my life I became angry. At men, at my work, at capitalism. But I observed myself becoming angry as well as felt it. And I observed how it started to turn inward on me. Just as myself and millions of people around the world have been conditioned to think.

Now I am so tired. I will nap for a bit but needed to get this out of my head.

[movementforthebetter]

Today is a very angry day, and a lonely day. And Father's day, so it's just a complicated mess of feelings. I am trying to clean my place. The cleaning seems to bring up more anger. The anger gives me a tension headache and makes my guts hurt. This in turn makes me want to eat or sleep, to tune the world out. I will probably nap this afternoon. Again. I'm doing the best I can. My best just doesn't feel good today. But I have to clean because I have a date tonight and I haven't done dishes in over a week. I'm thinking of cancelling the date and laying in bed all day. I probably won't, but the fact I'd consider that is sad. Just want to fast forward a couple weeks. Summers seem to be rather hard for me.

[sanmagic7]

mftb, reading over your past few posts has been very interesting, especially in the way you are processing your movement, your journey, and your awareness.   i think it's called progress.

you sound different.  yeah, you've been sick from stress, you're overworked, you're feeling emotions bubbling up and you're taking risks by dating, by letting someone into your life in a different way than before.  you're realizing how you've put yourself second too many times in your life, feeling angry about it.  to me, this says that you're getting ready to make a change.

what that change might be, i don't know.  putting yourself first?  healthier eating?  more consistency for your self and your life?  it sounds like you're about to be done with accepting the crumbs that have gotten handed to you throughout your life, like you're finding a new piece of you that you weren't able to acknowledge in the past.

i may be all wrong.  it's just what came to my mind while reading.  whatever it might be, i'm getting a good vibe from it.  a new strength.  big hug to you.  i'm looking forward to seeing where you go with all this. 

[movementforthebetter]

Not a lot to say today. I think this time in my life will teach me something. Not sure what. In my better moments I think I can handle this. I am handling it, even though it's not graceful or effortless to myself or outsiders.

I frequently feel like a colossal *-up. I dropped several balls at work. But how all those mistakes reflect on me, I don't know. It seems to be chaos everywhere for everyone. And even through all of this, life is going on. I think in my head I've been fighting the current. For today at least, I have lost the ability to care. Stuff either will get done or it won't. The amount that I control at work is miniscule. I think when I expect otherwise, that's when dissatisfaction begins.

Have slept very poorly 2nights in a row. Hoping for better tonight.