Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[sanmagic7]

good for you for taking yourself out and away from the ugly for awhile.  pretty courageous - you deserve to be proud of yourself! 

and * is right about that suitcase from mom.  i don't know what i'd do with it, but i'd feel very uncomfortable about it.  it just feels like something's up. 

i hope things smooth out for you.  sounds like it's been kind of a roller coaster lately.  big hug, mftb.

[movementforthebetter]

Today I went out in the world and met a room full of strange women for the first time and discussed intimate things with them. And had a good time. Was less nervous than going dancing! I guess because it was all women. The night I went dancing I had to actually tell myself I was safe. Not so tonight.

I'd been thinking of closing this journal for a while and starting a new one. I feel like I've made significant progress, and though I have setbacks and ongoing struggles, I'm pushing past most of my major triggers. Soon perhaps my title won't hold so true anymore.

I suppose I'll wait until after I go to therapy to process all the trauma surrounding my dad's death. Then I will have hit all my emdr targets. I am ready to go back to therapy. I have benefits. I just need to have enough space on my credit card to pay upfront.

I did realize I have a weird trigger today - my own name. I heard someone say it at work followed by "she's still new", and right away I started wondering what I had done wrong, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still am, too, and it may never fall. Just because someone's talking about me, doesn't mean that I did anything wrong. But like a kicked puppy, I hear a certain tone coupled with my name and still flinch. Not sure if that's inner critic or inner child, and if knowing about it will make it lessen.

[radical]

This is so good to hear MFTB, everything you said here!

What I've found with triggers is that I'm affected by them differently when I feel differently, I can move on faster.  Newer ones can be stopped in their tracks.  Older developmental triggers will probably always have a strong impact on how I feel at the time. 

Being able to stop and wonder, and watch the trigger progress and make a path of thoughts and feelings is so empowering.

Your 'movement' is a bit of an inspiration for me!

[movementforthebetter]

Woke from a bad nightmare about my dentist last night. Felt so much anxiety and insecurity. Now in a sensitive state. I did give myself some love though. I got up and did yoga, which was more painful than usual. But afterward i felt better, and went back to bed, so I could enjoy being in my body without any pain.

I've made myself so vulnerable lately, and while ultimately it's good for me I can't help but wonder about my motivations for doing so. I think as part of self-acceptance, I have also still been seeking acceptance from others. Like I'm not yet confident enough to like myself as-is, so votes of approval from others are signals that I can go ahead and like things I have been self-conscious of. If I lay it all out and people still like me, that's the proof I've been desparately craving that I am ok. It's progress from where I eas but still not healthy.

The bigger issue I've come to notice lately is how much attention I need and seek. I seem to want to be in someone's thoughts all the time, and want as much proof as possible. That feels like psycho territory to me, now that I've seen it. And I can only imagine how it looks to others. That neediness and desperation that's been pointed out to me at times in the past. I see it now. The only explanation I have for it is that because my sense of self was never allowed to develop fully, and because I didn't receive unconditional love as a child, I developed Schröedinger's ego, which can only be verified as existing in the presence of an observer. Therefore, I'm basically a Narcissist who doesn't love herself. It's a disheartening theory. And when I can't get my attention fix, I fall into depression or "cease to exist". Lately the intervals between needing fixes seem shorter, so that seems to indicate that attention isn't as affective as it used to be. Is that a good sign, or a bad one? Maybe this is just me learning what being alone is like, and I am way overthinking things.

It may also be that this the work of the critic again, telling me I am unworthy of any love, but I didn't hear the ICr's voice. I will try to stay with these thoughts and feelings for a while today and see if anything crystalizes.

[radical]

You're being so hard on yourself.

I relate in my own ways to everything you've written, right down to having "Schröedinger's ego" - I believe most of us with CPTSD can.  One way or another, we didn't get the kind of love, support, attention we needed when we most needed it - as children or as adults, but it's no reason to beat up on ourselves!

I think you are great MFTB.  We all need positive attention - to feel valued, and appreciated and cared for.  When there is a deficit, the need can make us feel ashamed.  I don't think you deserve to feel ashamed at all, but that's just my opinion.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks Radical. I think the nightmare sparked an e.f. and I was stuck in a rut all day.

Actually, stuck in bed all day. I didn't get up til 3 and left to visit friends at 4:30. I told them basically what's going on with me and they were supportive.

I do actually think this was my inner critic's handiwork now. People like and care for me. I just wish I felt it more consistently. I know it academically in my head, but on days like this when I need to know in my heart but I can't feel it, I see myself as a shell of a person.

I don't really know how to not be hard on myself, but I try to be kind, usually. If I could slow down my thoughts in the moment it might help. I just tend to think if it's humanly possible, I should be doing it. I guess that's not realistic.

[movementforthebetter]

This weekend I went to a different women's event and met even more new people. Some of the women from the first event were there as well so not all total strangers. Was happy how welcomed I was and how easy it's been to shake up my routines and find new things to fill my time with, once I applied myself to it. It's been a lot of progress in just accepting me for me and having a good time.

My work schedule and the social life I am working towards clash in a big way. Will have to be careful to not have too many late nights each week. 1 is manageable, 2 is tougher, and anything more than that throws everything off, including my mood. Good to keep in mind.

I did feel depressed again today. Slept extra. Possibly last week's late nights caught up with me. But got out of the house again, so that basically broke it.

I'm trying to accept that despite being a goofy * (things I see as fun qualities), I am also often "the serious one" and "the emotional one" and these are aspects of myself I don't think will ever change or lessen. I had said to my coworker "I've pretty much accepted that I am too much for most people to handle" with regards to dating, and he replied that he doubted that. It was such a sweet thing to say but I couldn't help but think that he doesn't know all the turmoil of thought and emotion that goes on just below my happy work-surface-level that I present to the world. At least he didn't then. He does now.

I wonder what it would be like to have a cuddle buddy. I miss intimacy and can't help but think that if I could have a regular source of caring touch it would do a lot for my well-being. The thing with the women's group today showed me that I can have strangers in my space without it being uncomfortable. I guess because it was women, not men.

I want to learn to trust deeply but I'm not sure if I will ever really be able to.

Anyway, it's bedtime and beyond. Some mood swings but ultimately a good week and restful weekend.

[movementforthebetter]

Woke up lonely and troubled by my needs. My inner child wants to be held. I want to be held.

My ex was neither intuitive nor particularly empathic, though he was generally nice. If I woke in the middle of the night and needed comfort he would be so fast asleep I couldn't wake him even if I tried. I've never understood how people can sleep that solidly. So I was lonely with him to almost the same degree I am now. We also ended up on different sleep cycles so that impacted things, too.

I just need someone to tell me everything will be ok sometimes. He was literally incapable of that. Like he didn't understand that it was an act of comfort that had value and healing for me.

By the end of our relationship I was desperately clinging to him at night, after waking, full spoon, trying to take a semblance of the closeness I needed. If he spooned me I'd get too hot, so I always had to be the big spoon even though I would have rather been the little. He stopped trying to spoon me after a while and I would have to ask. He didn't ask me to cuddle. He only wanted sex from me. I was trying to pretend the closeness I took in the way I needed was the same as the right kind of caring that is offered freely. But it was not.

And now, in these times when I really need someone, I have only myself, my stuffy and my body pillow.

I'm here for my inner child but I also have to be here for me. And so many times I feel like too much for even myself to handle.

I am again thinking about cuddling. It's becoming a bit of an obsession lately.

[movementforthebetter]

BOOM. Today was groundbreaking.

A coworker returned from working across the country for a while. This turned out to be a happy shakeup in the office. He is going through hard times himself, though. Despite this, he was actually quite pleasant to be around.

My other coworker, the crushy coworker, came back yesterday. I had wanted to talk to him, but he didn't take lunch and I thought he might be avoiding me. But perhaps I misinterpreted that. He's got whatever he's dealing with going on.

The two of them are very chummy and usually take breaks together. They go for lunch earliest amongst our group. About 20min later I was starving, so I went for lunch as well.

I ended up asking if I could join them and they were in deep conversation about what's going on in their lives. My crushy coworker caught me up on his week away. He attended a communication and authentic living workshop. It sounded very positive. The other coworker was describing his troubles - love life - and his girlfriend who sounded like she almost certainly has cptsd or an attachment disorder. Everything my coworker said about her, I had done or experienced and could identify with. That made me somewhat uncomfortable. She had abandonment in her past as well. He said he had cured his own depression, implying that she should be able to as well. Or at least control herself. He said he didn't deserve the abuse he was getting, and I do agree. But everything he described sounded like it came from a place of core wounds to the self.

Crushy coworker was explaining how his workshop helped him reframe his worldview and his own depression and anxiety. Basically it taught him to seperate perception from emotion. Like how there's significant power in knowing the differences between thinking

"my coworker made me anxious because he's not into the conversation and shifted away from me",

"I feel anxious because I think my coworker is not into the conversation, because he moved further away from me", and

"I percieved my coworker sit further back in his seat, and I felt anxious because I was afraid he may not be into the conversation and judging me".

It's pretty subtle. I think I'll need him to explain it to me more. The idea is that nothing has the power to affect you unless you let it, and once you examine the root feeling in any situation, it can be clarified or challenged. I think. I will see if I can get more info on this.  It's hard to make this clear second-hand.

Ultimately, it was all about personal responsibility. How you have to own your feelings and not view them as a reaction to circumstances or especially people. That people can't make you feel anything.

Partially I agree. But I felt there was a significant caveat: abuse. Damage that people inflict directly upon others. Crime and violence. I said so. And then it lead to my followup. "I'll get real now. I'll keep it 100. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder from child abuse." I loosely explained the difference between ptsd and cptsd, how developmental trauma and lack of secure attachment affect brain development in children, and how trauma short-circuits the brain and directly affects brain chemistry. I told them what emotional flashbacks were, and how they were different from ptsd flashbacks. That I suffer from them and nearly anything can trigger them and I get them at work. I used the example of hearing my name said in a certain tone. That all of this can be overcome with careful processing of emotions but there are usually multiple layers upon layers of emotions and memories, so it's a slow process. Not usually quick to reframe. It's something that is likely a permanent part of me, so I have to live with it and deal with it.

I told them I was saying all that not to side with her or excuse anything, but because what she's going through is likely very real, thinking one's way out may not really be possible, and that there's a spectrum of experiences when people talk about depression and anxiety, and it's important to understand that. It's a long road. On top of it all, women are socialized to hide their feelings of fear and insecurity lest they be judged needy, which usually makes it worse.

Phew. I'm tired from writing all that. I disclosed my abuse conversationally, calmly, to two coworkers, one I don't even know well, in our staff lunchroom. I don't remember what exactly they said. Crushy coworker seemed to be at least passingly familiar with what I was saying. He looked like he got it. The other coworker may have said I was brave. I know he thanked me for sharing. I said it was good to be in an environment where we could openly have this conversation, and that there was no way I could have said any of that 3 months ago, but lately things had been falling into place with regards to accepting myself.

So I think that's significant progress in living my truth. I surprised myself with it. Now I carry on living.

[radical]

 

I know there are costs, but however we find to 'live our truth' it's worth it.

All power to you!  Smiling as I type.  Enjoy.

[annakoen]

  What an immensely powerful way to advocate for survivors of child abuse, yourself included.

[movementforthebetter]

Have been so anxious the past 2 days - especially today. I took a clonazepam. I've had that scrip for years and am almost out now. I only take them in emergencies.

I have discovered most of the emergencies spawn from interactions with men. Stuff that seems innocent on the surface but triggers me so badly. This thing with my coworker and his girlfriend has really gotten to me to the point I'm avoiding him now.

I'm on lunch but not even hungry. I did eat a good, late breakfast at least.

I have tried to remember ro breathe and ground. For the past 2 days it hasn't helped.

The coworker said some pretty awful things yesterday. "The way she is, she'll never find happiness. She doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. She's so selfish, abusive, out of control".

Another coworker saw an old picture of a female coworker and said she used to be chunky. I was gobsmacked.

Those words came on a day I forgot my morning pill. That's on me. I couldn't filter out the words. It was like my inner critic was saying them. Ugh. Just have to make it through the next few hours. I'm taking everything so personal.

But today it feels like no matter what I do, I'll never measure up. The words weren't to me, but to women like me. And as women it's our apparent job to shoulder the emotional abuse and pretend everything's fine. I'm having a tough time being fine today.

[Wife#2]

My thoughts go with you today.

The passive aggressive in me would LOVE to drop a notebook LOUDLY when I overhear stuff like that. Maybe knowing others can hear them will SHUT THEM UP. Or not. That's the rub. GRRR.

I'm so sorry you're going through this today.

[movementforthebetter]

Ok. After two very, very anxious days, I am feeling better. Got up, ate delicious oatmeal, and did yoga. Could sleep some more now.

Am looking more closely at my finances. I can't carry on like this. Need to reduce my debt load because interest is crippling me.

Feeling generally ok again.

Met a man for coffee last night, looking to make new friends. He's another child sexual abuse survivor. I was shocked to learn it. Our childhood backgrounds and experiences are so similar despite the facts being different. Most people don't talk about it, but it seems we survivors are everywhere.

[movementforthebetter]

This post will have triggers. Like surely, for disordered eating, sexual and relationship issues. I'm sure some here will disagree with what I write or my methods. All I can say is that this is my road individually. Find what works for you.




I have insomnia again. I overate my feelings tonight. A whole thin-crust frozen pizza with extra cheese, a frozen fudge pop, and then a small blizzard when I went to the bank. I think a combination of overheating and taxed digestion woke me tonight.

I was totally broke and was about to miss a student loan payment. Applied for interest relief, which was denied while unemployed. Approved now! $260/mo. freed up til August. Also got a refund cheque from health care because work paid for it retro to my start date. Glad that worry is gone for a while.

Been craving contact with men so badly. I want to be held and cuddled and kissed and more. It's been a long time. I'm sure part of this is "daddy issues" but a really big part of it is just nature, too. I'm a highly sexual person, a woman entering her peak. I've spent my whole life made to feel ashamed of my sexuality. I'm so tired of it. So I'm starting to own these feelings and urges i have..

I've started reclaiming and owning my sexual agency. I know it's a slow process, so I'm starting now in the hope that as I heal further i may find myself in a good position for a relationship when I am eventually ready. I've always been interested in kink. And though one of my earliest abuses involved kink, curiosity grew rather than diminished along my healing journey. So I went to a couple women's meet-ups and have volunteered at an event. And I have found this community to be warm, open, and inclusive so far. It's been a nerve-wracking but positive experience for me. Events are consent-driven, and abuses and abusers are not tolerated. I know this would not be for most, but it is for me.

I've also accepted that I'm not really monogomous. I think I wouldn't have cheated if my desire for one partner had outweighed my desire to love more than one man. I am a complicated person and I am learning to accept it in the hope that I can actively steer my life's course instead of constantly drifting. Since I accepted these things, I have generally been happier and much more able to express myself.

Writing made me sleepy. Thank goodness.