A reply to your hoover, DramaSis.

[Dutch Uncle]

Which I will not send to you, sis. Pointless.
What? Getting me to respond is the point. Which I refuse you. It's bad enough I do it here. But here it's to aid my recovery.


Header: Excuses from a rule-freak.

Hi Dutch

How are you?

I keep ruminating about what went wrong between us.
(I can relate.)
I hope you believe me, but I miss you very much.
(I bet you do. I don't miss you that much though. I miss you like a pain in the butt.)
I liked that I met you at X and hoped that things could get good again. Yet you did not respond to my e-mail later.
(Yeah, the mail that is much like this one. But than condensed in one sentence. I won't respond to this one either.)

I would love to restore contact.
(I don't. I'm relieved I'm done with the lousy contact we had. I'll explain during the course of my reply. That you won't get. I'll explain that too. Why it's so much better I don't explain. I can lift one tip of the veil right here: "How to deal with emotional manipulators: Don't negotiate, Don't engage, Don't confront, Know your buttons and Don't accept help." )
I find it so hard we do not see each other anymore. Not knowing how we do, and not talk to each other. I keep ruminating over the past years to discover where/why something went wrong. And what my part in it could be.
(Did you have had any succes yet? Never mind, it's a rhetorical question. As your mail will show.)

For you it's probably obvious, but not for me.
(I suspect this is a reference to what I have told her Flying Monkeys: "She knows. She may pretend that she doesn't, but she does.")
I am still in the dark and would find it very nice if you would tell me what it is, and why you do not respond to my emails.
(I bet you'd love me to tell you what it is. Yet, you know damned well what it is. As you know it's not just one thing. But a plethora of things. Yet it's all shrouded in 'plausible deniability' on your part, so you'd love me to point it all out. So you can deny. I'm not taking the fall for that, as I used to do.)

In my experience it was just okay between us the summer before mom's jubilee. Of course we previously had a few very difficult  years together, and I have certainly made mistakes.
(Right! Here we are getting to the heart of the matter:  "it was just okay between us, we previously had a few very difficult years together". This is not a disingenuous edit sis. It's what's rotten at the core. YOU have difficulties with me, but pass it off as 'just OK'. I know our mother has this installed in us, but I never fell into the trap in my relationship with you. You on the other hand... "Whatever, I'm really sorry". Indeed: whatever. You never 'own up'. To me it's not "whatever". To me it matters. But oh boy (or I should probably say: girl) if I make clear this is what matters to me, "Whatever!" is exactly the response I get from you. In reverse, you NEVER say "whatever" if I do something that does not match up to your ridiculous high standards... No, than a point has to be driven home, a wooden stake needs to be driven through anybody's heart. Righteous sister... Yuck. )
But the contact was nevertheless restored. Perhaps not  as before, but we called occasionally and saw each other occasionally.
(Again, this goes to the heart of the matter: "contact restored, not  as before." That's not restoration, that's change. Again, I'm not being disingenuous in this edit. You are gaslighting me by writing it up as you do. It also does show that you know damned well what went 'wrong' and when.)

And now we have long been little or no contact. I find that really unfortunate.
(Fortune has nothing to with it. Your actions, or in some some cases, lack of it, are the cause of this.)
And I keep mulling over what went wrong between us. I contemplated all kind of things, and now I realized that maybe mom's Jubilee had anything to do with it. I'm not sure it is, but maybe I've done something clumsy there?
(Are you not sure? You know sis, you do. Clumsy? No. Deliberate action on your part. As you have said before: I wanted to do something with you and Bro on this jubilee. The end result was you did something with bro (and your kids, but I leave them out for argument's sake. They have after all nothing to do with the set-up you had planned) and didn't even INFORM me. I'm not even talking about inviting me or joining forces with me after you (and bro) originally were so reluctant to do so. INFORMING me was even too big an effort on your part. And you KNOW it. But as you've written below: you make it look I pulled the plug on the project, when I didn't. Neither you nor bro ever committed.)

I know that a long time prior to the jubilee you already came up with the idea to do something nice for mom, including some time in a cottage, we could go skiing or do some other activity. I found it very nice you thought of that for mom, but I didn't like the idea. Especially because me and mom have had quite changing contact for a long time. At times it's good, at times not at all. A week seemed to long for me. A weekend was all I could possibly do.
(But you needed time to commit to even that. Time you were given. Either way.)
Bro had not responded at all...
(not true sis, and you know it. He responded late, annoying late for sure, with a "I don't know yet either way".)
...and we talked about that. You were angry about that...
(Indeed. What a wimp.)
...and angry as well I did not want to spend a whole whole week.
(not true)
I had the feeling that after I gave you my explanation, you understood.
(Yes, I did indeed. Especially after you reminded me you had choked him the last time we spend a week together in a cottage 25 years ago. And made it look you were te victim for grabbing him by the throat. It reminded me of what a physically abusive women you are, sis. No surprise there why my visceral reaction was: "I'm not going to sit with her in a cottage for even a weekend." It took me a while to cognitively understand why my immediate reaction was: No sis, I'm not going to spend a weekend with you in a cottage." You are dangerous sis, you inflict bodily harm, up to the point where it is life-threatening. And it is YOU who assaults, there was no self-defense at play then. It was over him not buying a birthday cake for mom, by your own admission. I had forgotten about the whole episode, still have no recollection of it, but given the history of your violence I do not have to doubt your story in any way. If only for: Who would make up such a story in the first place? To make something like that as a pity-party? Nah. Your narrative is exactly what happened. But you feel entitled to do stuff like that... It's horrendous and dare I say: sick? Yes I dare. But not in your face. Lest I get choked as well.
"You were angry as well I did not want to spend a whole whole week, my explanation, you understood"
Again sis, not a disingenuous edit. Now what is it? Do you want to fight about about me being angry, or fight with me about me understanding you? You're right, I gave you all the understanding. And did not get angry at you.
You're making things up. Only to make sure there is still a pot to stir up. Even if I give you my understanding (which I did by your own admission here), you still need to bring up the fabrication I was angry.)
We agreed that we would leave the matter until after the summer holidays.
(ehrrrm, agreeing is not the right term here sis: You and Bro were a no show at that point in time. Perhaps you might be a 'show' after the summer holidays. Not much to 'agree' on, rather a dictate. But as far as 'agreeing' is part of it: Yes, if not at that point in time, I was certainly open to you changing your position post-summer. So for the sake of argument: let's say we agreed on that. And I do think that by the way you phrase this, it's clear I had not said to you (or bro) "Screw you all, forget it!" You left it up in the air. And so did I leave the matter open.)

And after the holiday was all wrong.
(How so?)
Is it perhaps because I still wanted to discuss something about Mom's birthday?
("Discuss" is probably key here. Yes, "discuss" is what you wanted. Not "agree" to do something. These perpetual 'battlegrounds' sis, I'm so sick of it.)
Did I not practice enough patience?
(I told you, in a mail, I was happy to hear any proposal you might have, via mail, and asked you to send our bro your proposals as well, so we could have a three-way conversation. I know, that's something else than a discussion, but hey: It's what I prefer, a conversation. You know? A process in which one tries to find common ground, and not  a process where one tries to find points of contention. Silly me)
Did I take over? Did I start arranging things too quick? Did I have to wait for your initiative?
(Wait for my initiative? Who are you kidding here sis? I already had taken the initiative. That you thwarted. What initiative did you take? I mean, an initiative that I could be part of? None. You went your own way.)
I do not know. If I have taken over than I'm sorry!
(No you're not.)
That truly was not my intention.
(Yes it was.)
I sometimes am too much of a rule-/controlefreak.
(A dictator and manipulator would be a better fitting term.)
I shouldn't be.
(And you claim not to know what went wrong? LOL.)
For that I'm truly sorry. My apologies.
(For what exactly, sis? For putting the onus on me? Because that is what this whole mail is about. About me.
And you know that the primary grievance you have on me is that it's always about me.
But could you tell me where in this mail it's exactly about you, what you have done, where you have been actively sabotaging me and any effort I made? You claim to be ignorant of what's the 'problem' yet you make so perfectly clear you know all to well. Of course you do: you planned and executed all this after all. And now you want me to reply, and make it all about me again. Now you want me to talk about me, only to turn it all back on me. Perhaps even with the very same words: "It's all about you! What about me!"
It's a Double Bind, sis. "Any which way, but lose." For me.)

Love, sis.
(I don't love you, sis. And you don't love me. I know. Because I know I have people who love me. And it's nothing like you give me. Or have ever given me.)

You know that I know that you know exactly what you have done. You just prefer to stay quiet about it. Lest you have to admit YOU did something YOU think is wrong. I can relate. From the time I was a little kid. Nowadays I own up. And don't send petty letters like you do.

Content as quoted is not verbatim.

edit: spelling, interpunction, and a few minor edits to make it more clear for myself.

[Three Roses]

"Without memory there is no healing." I love it! Her amnesia of the events is so transparent. Good letter 

[featherfalling]

Ugh, mails like that are the worst.     I think you did a great job of dissecting it, and of staying true to yourself and your boundaries.  Also, good on you for not sending this!  I agree that any reply is giving them what they want.  I'm glad you have a place where you can post it to vent and heal. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you both. It does mean a lot to get the validation from you.
I know this letter from her will be a win-win for her, as I either answer and she gets her 'supply' and the endless cycle of abuse can start all over again with denial, manipulation, victim blaming etc etc we all know so well, or I stay quiet and she can go and whine to her flying monkeys, who may then will try again to lure me back in.
As far as the latter are concerned, I think they will not do so again, but old habits die hard. And even if they don't come flying to me, they'll probably give her the pity-party she craves. I don't see them saying to her: "you know what you did, I know what you did, so quit whining..." And they know what she did, my brother for example is quite in the know concerning mom's jubilee... He's been part of it, as is evidenced in the letter itself.

So it really means a lot to "have a place where you can post it to vent and heal" indeed. I at first doubted if I would post my 'private/secret' reply here, it seems such a whine and attention seeking (especially since I had to translate my reply into English, so I actually had to make another effort), but I'm so glad I did.

Her amnesia of the events is so transparent. 

Just hearing things like this is so wonderful. I've been so brainwashed to be FOGged by the manipulative tactics of her, it really does take an effort to see through it. So it's wonderful that to others it's transparent. It really isn't me, it's her. 

[healingjourney]

Thank you both. It does mean a lot to get the validation from you.
I know this letter from her will be a win-win for her, as I either answer and she gets her 'supply' and the endless cycle of abuse can start all over again with denial, manipulation, victim blaming etc etc we all know so well, or I stay quiet and she can go and whine to her flying monkeys, who may then will try again to lure me back in.
As far as the latter are concerned, I think they will not do so again, but old habits die hard. And even if they don't come flying to me, they'll probably give her the pity-party she craves. I don't see them saying to her: "you know what you did, I know what you did, so quit whining..." And they know what she did, my brother for example is quite in the know concerning mom's jubilee... He's been part of it, as is evidenced in the letter itself.

So it really means a lot to "have a place where you can post it to vent and heal" indeed. I at first doubted if I would post my 'private/secret' reply here, it seems such a whine and attention seeking (especially since I had to translate my reply into English, so I actually had to make another effort), but I'm so glad I did.

Her amnesia of the events is so transparent. 

Just hearing things like this is so wonderful. I've been so brainwashed to be FOGged by the manipulative tactics of her, it really does take an effort to see through it. So it's wonderful that to others it's transparent. It really isn't me, it's her. 

Thanks for posting this, Dutch Uncle. I have to see my sister this weekend after going NC as of 3 weeks ago for the first time in 5 years and your silent letter helps me to prepare for her probable attempt to either shame me and/or brush everything under the carpet when I see her. The selective memory is classic behavior for my sister. She actually recently told me "I'm so evolved that you don't understand me anymore because you still have work to do." How I tolerated that nonsense is beyond me but I'm not going to be her friend this time. I think your silent letter is a new inspiration for me to try. Honesty solves nothing where my sister is concerned. Perhaps if she really pushes hard enough this weekend I'll tell her the feelings I harbor that she basically killed our mother with her behavior.