Does ridicule count? ASD family. Triggers, I guess

[redmum]

Hi all,
I am new here, but have read about. My psychiatrist has said she thinks I may have C-PTSD, and said to have a think about it until next week. I see her for my bipolar 1, depression and anxiety, possibly ADHD. She is thinking the ADHD may actually be a long term (since very early childhood) anxiety stemming from my home life. I am one of four children, and had both parents until I was 13 (then a step dad etc). I think now that my dad had bipolar 1 too, and it seems my mum, and older two siblings, have ASD. My son has been diagnosed, so I know it quite well. So I was surrounded by non-neurotypical people....!

I went on to marry a man with ASD. Now divorced. My new husband (of 4 years) is amazingly loving and kind. He thinks I'm smart and beautiful and worthy of love. I'm really finding that hard. I have three children, and can be very loving with them. My question about ridicule is because I'm really trying to see what it my childhood counts as abusive. I was spanked once, so hard I couldn't sit, for talking. That was my dad. The teacher at school hit me for talking too. I really did talk a lot. Mostly though, they didn't believe anything I said, and poke holes in everything I say - this still happens now. They will scoff and laugh, and I feel about 6 again. They are all so 'logical' and I am just an emotional talky mess, it seems. It doesn't matter what I achieve, its never ... valid. Or good enough. I have a PhD. It doesn't count either. My grades in school weren't perfect, like my older siblings, so I was the dummy. My little brother was super smart too, but at least he was nice. For some reason though, I still get treated like the dummy, I can't contribute to a conversation or debate, even if it is in my area. I guess we all have quite academic discussions when we get together, but I still get relegated to unheard and uninteresting status. As a child I got in a lot of trouble for talking, from siblings and my dad 'empty vessels make the most noise', 'engage your brain before your mouth' that kind of thing.

Anyway, I can see that lots fits, but I'm struggling because at the time I just thought everyone's family was like mine. My mum was cold, but loving at the same time. She's just very 'logical'. There were a lot more things in my teen years, but I have a feeling my psych is aiming at the younger years. Does ridicule count as a cause? Some people here have suffered so much more. I read Cat's post about being allowed to feel valid and worthy, and just cried.
Thanks.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi redmum  and welcome to Out of the Storm.

I'll be keeping this short, as I'm pressed for time at the moment, but I wanted to say to you:
Yes, ridicule 'counts'. Alas.

In addition: since I suspect my dad is Asperger's, I relate to your story.
I have made some posts on my relationship with my dad, and the difficulties I experience, and I want to post a link to one of them, as there might be useful information in it for you and your therapist on a the effects of ASD on those around them, identified by some Danish autism researchers as Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS)

My post: Autism (incl. Asperger's) in a parent

There's a lot of links in that post, and I suggest you just read the first one now (The burden on NT spouses and children, OTRS) because you're probably already quite overwhelmed by the possibility of cPTSD, and reading up to much in the coming week may only increase the overwhelming sensations.
In time, the other ones may be of value for you too, if the first one strikes a chord with you.

Welcome again, and I hope and wish this site and community will be of aid to you in your journey through cPTSD.

Dutch

[Blueberry]

Yes, ridicule counts. All part of verbal/emotional/psychological abuse. A really mean kind too. Because they can accuse you of being humourless etc.

I didn't realise that for a long time but a T explained a couple of years ago, it was a way of keeping me small, a way of not allowing me to grow, to develop, reach my potential. I'm sure your FOO had / have their ulterior motives too even if possibly different to my FOO's.

I don't know where I read this, but I did somewhere recently: Yes, parents make mistakes. And if they say the wrong thing once or twice, it's not generally going to lead to catastrophic problems for their children. But it's the constant, going on for years on end without any ability or readiness to change so as not to dump whatever via ridicule, invalidation or other forms of emotional abuse on their children, that's what traumatises.
This might be an over-generalisation or might leave out some people who were traumatised after one comment. Apologies to these people. But for me, it's been really helpful to have read this quotation.

[annakoen]

Dear redmum,

Others have already replied to your questions. Yes, ridicule definitely counts.

However, as you delve deeper into your history, I expect you'll find, like many other children of autistic parents, that what did the most damage aren't the things they did, bit the things your parents *didn't* do.

Autistic parents as a group, have difficulty (often even unable) to intuitively understand other people's needs, wants, desires and emotions. You may find that you were never hugged (or it felt mechanical), rarely comforted. Mostly all that matters in an ASD family are the visible things like grades. Effort is hardly rewarded. When you fall and bleed, they understand. When there is no blood, they don't understand that you are in pain, unless you explicitly tell them.

Emotional development gets terribly stunted. Parents need to recognise and identify the child's emotions in order to help them cope. ASD parents often cannot.

ASD mothers often have difficulty breastfeeding, understanding the howls of babies and the wants of toddlers. You were likely treated as an adult, not as a child. Often, there is little understanding that children are not readily equipped to deal with life.

It takes a very stable and healthy other parent to compensate for that.

Many of us find the aftereffects of our childhood are as pervasive as the disorder our parent had.

[alliematt]

Hello and welcome!  I come from the opposite side of the fence, as I am a neurotypical adult with an ASD son.  I don't know how old you are, but there have been a lot of advances in treatments and therapies for people with autism even during the lifetime of my son, who just turned 18.  Your parents/family may not have had the chance to benefit from help.  Do any of them have an official ASD diagnosis?

That said, ridicule definitely counts.  I was bullied during my childhood, and one of the ways I was bullied was through ridicule.