I met my inner child...I think

[EmoVulcan]

I am really, really confused right now. A couple of weeks ago, I was meditating away my distress at another argument with h.
I got impatient myself, so I was thinking "Who am I?" Meditating in semi lotus, my knees are iffy with full.   As I was relaxing, and seemed to be falling asleep, I found it difficult to rouse up the will to go to bed.
Then, it seemed as if someone (no one was there) Grabbed me, forced my spine straight, (it popped and snapped, and hurt),
Slightly tilted  my head back(more snapping and popping all down my spine) and locked me in this position.
Then a powerful energy uncoiled in my pelvis shooting right up into my skull. Then it felt like my consciousness bounces of my skull, and I heard a somewhat bored, irritated tone, in essence "now, you know. Happy?"  And my consciousness was slammed back to my body, unfurling maybe, as the impression was I never left my skull.   

Thinking about this, she felt old, ancient even.  The strange thing is, I have always felt old, mature beyond years. With it, there is this depressing awareness of the way things are, and that changes nothing.  I felt born with this.  But, I have as early memories obes.  The first hazy one at two, angry father and a switch, frantic screaming mom, and dancing around trying to avoid stinging lashes...I left my body, perhaps for a couple months.   

Now feeling I have an inner adult and an outer child.     anyone else?

[I like vanilla]

EmoVulcan, that sounds like a fairly profound experience. Thank you for sharing it with us.

To answer to your question, sometimes I have an inner child and outer adult, sometimes the reverse, sometimes both adults, and sometimes both children, and sometimes, truly, I am a cat for a while (not literally, but still truly - sleep, bathe, play, eat, repeat  ).

Aside from that I also have an inner teenager, an inner infant, inner wise woman, etc., etc., etc. Although these are certainly parts of my inner Self, I tend to 'talk' to them as if they are separate beings; I find it is a useful tool when dealing with a particular issue or trigger. Sometimes, I know who to go to first for a chat, sometimes I check in with each until I figure out who is upset. Sometimes too, one will give a shout out to me to let me know about something that is going on with them. Again, this is a tool that I use; I am not really 'talking to voices in my head', though at some level I suppose I am.

I check in with the different aspects of my Self at least semi-regularly as a 'housekeeping'-type of exercise. It often helps me find clarity when I am feeling out of sorts or uncomfortable but cannot figure out why. With my new therapist, I have also discovered there are some really nurturing, protective parts of my Self that have been waiting for the opportunity to have a role in my recovery and my life. I am enjoying getting to know these aspects of my Self too.

The nutshell? The being that you met might have been a wise-beyond-years inner child, or an inner wise woman, or inner protector, or...
I am sending good thoughts that you enjoy getting to know her and that she has helpful, nurturing wisdom to bring to you. 

[arpy1]

have you ever read Women Who Run With The Wolves?  it's by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. she is a cantadora and analyst and post trauma specialist. the book is full of traditional stories that help to explain women's selves to themselves.  it is a long time since i read her but your post reminded me of it.

[woodsgnome]

Your experience reminded me of what's called kundalini. While I've read about it, I can't say I've experienced it, but I really don't know either...I think I may have, but either didn't realize it at the time or ignored it; or was even scared of it. Either way, and FWIW, here's a description of it:

"Kundalini, in yogic theory, is a primal energy, or shakti, located at the base of the spine. Different spiritual traditions teach methods of 'awakening' kundalini for the purpose of reaching spiritual enlightenment. Kundalini is described as lying 'coiled' at the base of the spine, represented as either a goddess or sleeping serpent waiting to be awakened. In modern commentaries, Kundalini has been called an unconscious, instinctive or libidinal force, or 'mother energy or intelligence of complete maturation'."

Another description puts it this way:

"Kundalini is an energy that exists in everyone's body, usually in a dormant state. This means that most people never feel it and never know it is there. But in a very few people, perhaps one in one thousand, this energy becomes aroused, activated. This can be a happy event or it can be scary and disruptive, depending on whether you aroused your kundalini on purpose or by accident."

Here's what you said: "a powerful energy uncoiled in my pelvis shooting right up into my skull." You added: "Thinking about this, she felt old, ancient even.  The strange thing is, I have always felt old, mature beyond years. With it, there is this depressing awareness of the way things are, and that changes nothing.  I felt born with this."

Again, I'm no expert in this, but just saying that your description reminded me instantly of this energy called kundalini--it probably sounds more exotic than it is. The inner child implications are of course implicit and certainly can be a part of it, I surmise.

Take good care of that inner child, no matter how you've accessed it.

[EmoVulcan]

I like vanilla, thank you, thank you, thank you.  You made me remember I have always known the voices in my head are all me?  And that wise woman is the one who has interpreted many things for me...my intuition.

[EmoVulcan]

 :hug:thank you all, I seem to have found a mystery, my inner wise woman reminds me of T'Pau. "All of Vulcan in one package" but I am not going all kolinar, she needs someone feeling.
Maybe I need a yogi, not a T.

[Dutch Uncle]

Probably the yogi could learn something from you. 

[EmoVulcan]

Woodsgnome, your reply sent me learning all sorts of things.  I have to say that kundalini seems to fit, and shamen sickness,  spiritual emergency, and epilepsy.   there is something that I have recently surmised, that the mind body connection is  deeply integral to wholeness that have been made separate disciplines, and they are going to have to integrate as well. 

I have to think that the pain in my ankles was from birth, it became part of my freeze response.  Treatment for pigeon toeing. And fallen arches transferred the pain to my knees...perhaps to maintain the freeze programming, or call to me for reprogramming...seems pretty unlikely to notice this when the response occurs from opposing and disconnected systems.
So I see maybe this is not so fantastic, but pretty logical.

Maybe, this is evolution.

[EmoVulcan]

 

Probably the yogi could learn something from you. 

that pulled me up short.  So busy being the perpetual student....though, I have this concept of enough.  I kinda been ready to exit the rollercoaster, of late...trying to find out why all my understanding intellectually did nothing to mitigate programming, even when I noticed default actions and speech.  ( which I had trouble telling myself how to disrupt the program).  I realize, when the trauma occurred in what should be the safest of sanctuary, ones home; one effectively has no sanctuary due to distrust and self.  I may subconsciously prefer tent to home..because I may flee and hide in one move. Perhaps all I need to do is work through this like a shamen, my inner wise woman seems to be saying 'at last'.  the inner guide? There is a certain relief I feel.thank you. 

[Sienna]

Im just getting on board with the inner child thing and its healing for me to read, then write, even if the thread long ended.
EmoVulcan, sounds like your inner child. What a huge experience for you.
I relate so much, to you saying that your inner child seems old,
mine does too,
and this depressing knowledge, that you remember always having, that things are not ok in the world.
Im glad that i can put that feeling into words after reading that.

I believe we did know back then, and the inner child is the sub conscious mind, so that information would have gotten stored there, because it was just too overwhelming at the time to integrate into consciousness, and the environments we were in, perhaps wouldn't have allowed us to feel that.
Especially the people that hurt us, wouldn't have understood that we were feeling strong unpleasant emotions= about them!
That was the case for me anyway, and probably for a lot of us.
The inner child holds all of this stuff, this depressing knowing, and hides with it away, so known can hurt them.

trigger warning.....
Which is similar to what Lisa A Romano was saying in one of her meditations,
-for inner child the other night, and the lady was talking about the heart, telling us to feel the heart beating in your body.
She said that that is the same heart that was there during all the horrible things you went through as a child, and that heart is still here today, years later, but it remembers.
I felt it in my body on a cellular level, i just knew, and maybe that aunt just my body but the inner child.
I was so creeped out by it, the most weird feeling and i started to feel lots of panic.

I really wish everyone luck with this. Im finding it so hard.