Ruminating

[Dutch Uncle]

I woke up this morning at 4 AM realizing why I ruminate so much.
It's killing me. (well, not really )

I was taught to do so.

During my journey of the past years I came across this term in a video-lecture of a guy. I skipped over it (as I so often do when hearing a foreign language) but the whole video was very compelling in a lot of respects, so I reviewed it many times.
Until at some point I thought: what is this "ruminating" he talks about?

There's not even a word for it in Dutch. Well, now I know there is, but I have never heard anybody use it. It's simply called 'worrying' here.
What a 'mistakah to makah'. What a difference there is between the two, even though the process itself is exactly the same. At least this is what I understand of it now:
- worrying is about the future over which you have no control.
- ruminating is about the past over which you have no control.
This is not to say there is no use of/for making plans, getting ideas, daydream even.
Just as it is not to say there is no use of/for remembering, going over past experiences or reminiscence even.

But I'm so often stuck in ruminating. It can go on for ever, absorbing me in it.
And so tonight my unconsciousness apparently solved it:
In my FOO, specifically my female parent and my female sibling, it's ALL* about 'past mistakes/grievances'. That they have about me, of course. The only* role they play is that of the victim. How wronged I have them at some point. And that same wrong can be used time and again.
I have been confronted with the most insane connections between past events and why they resent my (then) current behavior. A favorite sentence of my female parent when I tell her she does something unpleasant to me is, after she ponders it for a while (might be a split second though), "Oh, but I know how this has come about!" and BANG, there is some misgiving from time immemorial. Which then leaves me in tatters, bullied into the ropes of the boxing ring. Practically KO'ed.


NO WONDER I RUMINATE ALL* THE TIME! 

At some point in my journey I got this mental image of both of them having a walk-in-wardrobe Imelda Marcos-style, but instead of a pair of heels for each and every occasion, they have a closet full of skeletons for each and every occasion. That made me laugh... "Funny cuz it's true." Made me sad as well.
Major lightbulb moment. I had turned on the light in their wardrobe and spotted the cob-webs...

NO WONDER I RUMINATE ALL* THE TIME! It's for my bloody survival! The past is something I always* get smacked on the head with! Or to kick me with in the nether-region. Or to pull my gut out with, twisting it along the process. Bleh.

I do so hope this revelation will help me put a stop on it. I'm wasting my time.

Thanks for reading.


*) I know I should not use terms as all, always, never, totally, ever, only etc., but I've reached a point in my process I should probably do for a while, deliberately, because "most of the time" really does injustice to the amount of 'most'. I have given them too much slack, not too little.

edited to add, for my own (self)-referencing:
This is a great and helpful thread on ruminating http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=39257.msg364728#msg364728. It has helped me reaching this realization. Thank you, Widdiful Falling, for starting it and directing my attention to it. 

[woodsgnome]

DU wrote:

"NO WONDER I RUMINATE ALL* THE TIME! It's for my bloody survival!"

Oh yeah. A favourite author had this to say about the ruminating dance: "Regret is the longing to change the past. Fear is the desire to control the future. Peace is the surrender to Now." Your m and s seem to have high regard for the "regret" tag as they cling to the history they want.

I've a slight side-story about history, okay? In my work I dealt with history a lot (that acting stuff I've mentioned). I invented a character who often used lines referring to historians as "hysterians--they study the past and go hysterical". Maybe you can re-label the fear-mongers as "ye olde hysterians". Hope you're okay with my using slang words here, despite your second-language filter.

I have 3 words from the FOO that have haunted my ruminations:

1...the m said "shame, shame, double-shame" to me, usually after molesting me; interesting twist, that one. Freudian slip, I think they call it.

2...the f was fond of reminding me "it's not what you say, it's how you say it." Whoa! No wonder I never felt understood, but I bet his "blame the victim" stance honed my acting skills for the "how you say it" parts.

3. Religious schools actually made it kinda easy--they just told me I was a sinner all the time.

You conclude by calling your ruminations time-wasters. Nah, they're only thoughts from the mind's vaults--what shows up, shows up. But now you get to clean 'em out and design your own mind-vault.

Just remember to install dustbins in your memory vault; for discarding what's no longer needed in building your new self. That's where you can put m and s, those hysterians so hysterical about the past.

So while all they wanted for you was: 

you're now free to: 


                  



 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks